


Fairytale Gone Bad (Redux)

by ArynjaT



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, Drug Abuse, Friendship, Love, M/M, mental issues, slightly AU - no wives, vocal issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:40:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 62,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24113680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT
Summary: The first few chapters are inspired by the 'Show 'Em What You're Made Of' documentary this fiction portrays events that never happened. The story starts, when the boys are planning their 'In A World Like This' tour. Nick mentions Brians vocal issues and things spiral a bit out of control. In Later chapters we have Brian going down a dangerous path.This fic tells a story about depression and how Brian looses himself to it. It takes us along a journey of loneliness, abuse and drug use and the consequences that has. It is about Brian and how he nearly breaks on his problems and Nick, who tries to help him get through it.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Frick & Frack, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 58
Kudos: 42





	1. Uncomfortable Truths

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote this in order to take out a few things I didn't like about it the first time I wrote it. The fic might take a slightly different path, because of the changes I made.

"So are we final with our set-list?", Nick lifted the piece of paper he was holding up above his head. It had been a few hours since they had started the discussion today and they already had spent a few days before that finding the right songs for their 'In A World Like This' tour. Kevin nodded at Nicks question, who then proceeded to slam the piece of paper down on the table. Nick sighed and was silent for a moment, then he frowned before raising his voice quite a bit "And what do we do about Brians voice?", someone had to ask it. They had talked about it before, when they were talking about which songs they should include on the album. But ever since then nobody had spoken about it. Nobody wanted to bring it up in fear, that speaking about it could be hurtful for Brian. Nick however felt, that they could no longer be silent. For a few years now Brian had been struggling to perform at his usual level of quality. Back when it had all started, he hadn't worried a lot about it, thought it was only a sore throat, a slight bother, that soon would pass. Since then five year had passed though and Brian still was not able to sing properly again. Oftentimes when they were singing his voice would be raspy, it would crack or it was simply not there. The quality it once had, that had given Brian the chance to sing lead in many of their most popular songs, now it was gone. And even tho every single member of their group knew about this fact, it came as quite of a shock when Nick addressed the issue. Sure sooner or later, that talk had to happen again: they needed to think about how they could keep critics from being too harsh, about how they could give their fans a great show and about how they could protect Brian from being hurt. That Nick brought it up now however came kind of unexpected. As a result Howie and AJ looked slightly uncomfortable down to their hands, while Kevin started to frown. Brian, the man Nick was talking about had even twitched lightly when the topic was brought up and now he had his lips pressed close tightly. He didn't like it when people saw his emotions, but with this topic, he couldn't keep himself from looking sad. 

The silence seemed to drag on for a short eternity since nobody really knew how to answers Nicks question. Of course Nick did notice that, too. So he decided to clarify what he meant: "Brian, with your condition... are you sure that we really can perform songs like As Long As You Love Me and Quit Playing Games?", he looked directly at his former best buddy, who in turn lifted his head to look into his eyes. "It does not matter what I'm sure about or not. Our fans want those two songs you mentioned and we can't leave them out, just because I have problems. It will be fine Nick.“, in truth Brian felt really insecure about it. He knew that some fans were demanding, he would step away from singing altogether. But if he stopped fighting now, the battle was already lost and he didn't want to be the person to give in so easily. More importantly he didn't want to be left out, because that would have made him feel useless.

"You say it will be fine.", Nick sighed again, "Well, how can we be certain about that? How can we be certain, that your voice won't fail you. How can we know, that your voice not being up to its standard, won't lead to fans booing you off the stage?", Nick would stare at Brian, who sunk his head at that question "What do you think will happen when you sing and your voice cracks? What do you think will happen if your performance will be lousy in our first concert? Do you know what they will write in the magazines the next day? The boys lost their soul, their quality and their spice. How will it affect the Backstreet Boys, Brian? How will it affect you?", he was about to speak on but fell silent as soon as he noticed just how much his words were hurting Brian. Nick just had to look into his eyes to notice how they became clouded with deep sadness.

"Nick!“, Kevin finally raised his voice as well, "Think before you speak. Brian is part of our group. Our fans will see the documentary, they will see what's going on. And the press? They will always write bullshit, if they want to.", obviously he seemed to be trying to diffuse the situation, but all that followed were a few moments more of awkward silence. Nick didn't know what to say anymore, of course Kevin was right. But all he was thinking about was how those magazines, no matter if what they wrote was true or not, would affect Brian. Nick had known B-Rok ever since he had been a teenager, at a time Brian even had been his legal guardian, so he knew him quite well. He knew that the older Backstreet Boy was far more emotional than he let people see. As if to give a proof of that emotionality Brian stood up from his chair "Sorry guys but I can't have that talk now. I will go to my room." As he moved past the guys Nick could see how tears were starting to take shape in Brians eyes. Nick immediately regretted his harsh words since he could see that sadness that Brian didn't want anyone of them to see. It had been so obvious how much these vocal issues were affecting him and he just had dug his fingers into an open wound, driving his friend out of the room.

"Great job, Nick.“, AJ called out and sarcastically clapped his hands as they heard Brian close the door of his room behind him, "Can't you show a little bit more empathy? Try to imagine what Brian must be going through. You can't say things like that.", those words left Nick clenching his jaw. "But it's true and you guys know it!“, he regretted that his words hurt Brian, but he felt like somebody had to finally be honest. The other guys didn't seem to agree on his good intentions however and Kevin just shook his head in disbelief raising his voice for a second time: "Maybe, but you should put yourself in his shoes, man. We are all singers, just imagine how you would feel in Brians position. How would you feel if someone told you, you were not good enough anymore to sing the songs you sung all your career? Especially Brian, you know he sang lead in more than half of our early songs." He was putting an imaginative mirror in front of Nick, who only could sigh and eye the ground.

The boys were right, Nick couldn't imagine going through the same ordeal that lay ahead of Brian every day since it had gotten this bad. When he thought about it, he thought it was even quite impressive, how he could keep up his act. Maybe that was even the problem. Brian was so good in hiding his emotions and acting as if everything would be fine, that Nick really believed him. He had thought it was no problem to be honest with him, since he had perceived him as more than strong enough to handle criticism. However, had he been able to look behind the mask Brian was wearing, he could have seen a suffering man. The guys just had helped him to open his eyes for that. Perhaps he should have approached it differently. "I'll go talk to him.", it was all he could do now and so he stood up as well, leaving the table and the other men behind to make his way over to Brians room, which was located on the second floor of the city villa, they were staying at.

A moment of uncertainty and hesitation were followed by Nick knocking at the door, three careful knocks, that he hoped Brian would answer. "Brian... please let me in.“, he spoke in a soft voice against the wood of the door, but the only answer he got was silence. Brian probably hated him now, at least that was the thought that shot into Nicks head, hating him for acting like an asshole and he couldn't even blame him for that. On the other hand tho, Nick was quite a stubborn person, so he knocked a second time. "Brian... I want to apologize to you and I don't want to talk to a wooden door.", he sighed in a frustrated fashion and started to shake the door-handle. There were still no words, but suddenly the door opened and Brian stared at him. He had been crying, the reddish colour of his eyes was a proof of that and he had a stern expression looking back up to Nick. It took a good ten seconds of perfect silence, til Brian just turned around and moved back to the couch, leaving the door open for Nick to enter.  
"Listen, I'm sorry...", Nicks words cut like a knife into Brians heart. "Sorry, huh? For what?", was all he could really respond. What had been said at the table had really hurt him, hurt him enough to make him cry, even tho he was a grown man. Nick just sighed again and walked into the room closing the door silently behind him, while Brians blue eyes were still staring him down for what seemed to be an eternity. It took some time until the smaller man had stopped staring at him, but that didn't make him feel any more comfortable, since now Brian started staring at a TV that wasn't even turned on. He was acting kind of weird. 

"Why are you sorry, when you just said the truth?“, Brian asked while looking at the black screen. That was the problem, Brian wasn't actually hurt, because Nick had been saying what he said, he was mad, that what he had said was actually true. He wasn't angry with Nick, in reality, what he really was mad about was the whole situation. Years of trying to recover his voice with medical treatment and vocal training, had made Brian quite bitter about it. Nothing much had changed, he still couldn't sing the way he used to. "You shall not lie, Nick. So you did everything right.“ And at that moment he broke into sobbing again, helpless sobbing pure with emotion, leaving Nick kind of shocked.

"I'm... I'm sorry for being a dick.", the taller blonde spoke out and moved towards the couch Brian was sitting on. He looked at his friend for a moment, before sitting down on the armrest. Brian was still staring at the television screen and didn't really say anything to his apology. Instead he sighed deeply. "Remember back when it all started? You were Frack and I was Frick and it seemed like the whole wide world was at our feet? Do you remember those times?" Brian tilted his head downwards, bringing his palms up to his face. After speaking those words, he simply let go of all those tears, he had been holding back. They started to run down his cheek and drop onto his sweater. "Nick, I just want to be the same guy I was all those years ago again. I want to sing again without being ashamed of myself.", he started to sob helplessly and Nick couldn't do anything to stop that from happening. Those words however touched his heart and made him slide closer on the couch towards his bandmate. 

"Brian...", he would put his arms around his friends neck, pulling him into a hug."It's alright. Everything will be fine.", he really thought it would be, eventually. If you truly believed in it you could beat every challenge you had to face in your life or at least that was what Nick thought. But It simply wouldn't work out if you didn't believe in it and Nick did want Brian to have the necessary amount of hope to overcome his issue. Brian on the other hand was more pessimistic. Of course Nick could tell him these things, because he wasn't in his body, because he didn't feel what Brian did, when he sang. How his throat felt sore, how he was just not able to produce the same sounds, that he had been able to produce in the past. All that really made him feel melancholic: "How could it even come that far? Why me? Why do I have to have all the issues all the time? My heart, then the flu and now my voice that doesn't recover. I have been trying Nick, I really have, but nothing helped me. This has been going on for years now." He pulled from the hug and would stare Nick down trying to force the words into his head, he was not really sure if he understood the situation. How could he? If anything Nick had improved in singing over the years, he was better at it than ever before. 

Then again, maybe he did understand it, after all there had been a time, where Nick hadn't been the kind of singer he was today. Brian remembered that time, where it had been Nick that people criticized for his vocal quality and how he felt the media was unfair to the blonde guy who back then simply had been a teenager. If he thought about it, it was kind of weird how those things changed. And there was something else, that changed. When he thought back of those days, he remembered how he and Nick had been Frick and Frack. They had been inseparable. They had been so very close and now he felt kind of distant to that boy, who had grown to become a man. "Tell me why are we not like we were anymore? We used to be best friends...", Brian just had to bring it up since the thought grew loud in his mind, he missed those times. The surprise that was written in Nicks face when he spoke those words, kind of made him frown. Had he never thought about the same? Had he never felt like something was missing? Something they once had? It made him fear, that their friendship had never been as important to Nick as it had been to himself. He would keep looking at him, because if he didn't watch him now, he probably would never find out the answer to his question.  
After a moment Nicks expression changed and his voice sounded quite sad when he started to speak again "Oh, Brian. Things sometimes just change for no reason. But there were reasons, why we grew apart." Before he spoke on Nick hesitated for a moment and leaned backwards quite a bit, so he was able to face Brian better and look straight into his eyes. "You didn't speak to me for a year. And why? Because I just wanted to release a solo record?", Nick seemed to be getting slightly angry as he spoke, "I trusted you, you were everything to me and then you ignored me for a whole damn year!" Those words, they made Brian twitch for the second time this evening. Nick was right, he had treated him real bad, when he tried to go solo. "But you know I miss those times too, a lot. We were a great team, Frick and Frack.“, he said thoughtfully, sighed and turned his head to face the ground. 

He had not planned on getting angry, in fact he wanted to cheer Brian up. How could he though, when there was so many hurt emotions between them? When Nick looked back up to Brian, he put on a smile, but he didn't feel very confident in it. It was true, they used to get along so well and if he really thought of it, he would not mind those times to come back. "Who says we can't try to bring back things to how they were again?" Nicks smile grew a little bit warmer and true and Brian couldn't help but to respond with one of his own: "That would be great, I would love to hang out more with you again, like we used to, when it was just you and me against the world.“, he even chuckled now, wiping some tears away, but that chuckle wouldn't last long. His expression darkened, when he realized, that getting friends again might prove to be harder than it seemed. And even if they managed to become closer again, there were other things, which couldn't be solved: "We can be Frick and Frack again, but nothing can bring back my voice, it has been like this for many years.“ 

Nicks expression changed and became rather disappointed. It was obvious now, that Brian had given up on himself: "If you think about it like that it is no wonder, that you are still having problems. Brian, look at me!", and he would stare at the other, til he caught those eyes, still rimmed in a reddish colour from the tears he had cried: "I know you can conquer that issue of yours. You simply have to, what would we Backstreet Boys be, without your voice? You are our heart." But despite Nicks best efforts, Brian simply couldn't smile, since it was really hard for him to believe what the other was saying. Sadness was written all over his face, he was really without any hope. "C'mon Brian, you can't just give up on everything, you won't be able to achieve anything like that. And you know what I will help you to sing again.“, Nick would move over to lightly nudge Brians shoulder. 

That move produced a weak smile on Brians face, but it soon faded and was replaced by a rather stern expression as Brian looked down to the fabric the couch was made of: „Help me?“, Nick nodded, „That's what friends are for..." - "But how?", Brian looked confused, he had tried everything, medicine, vocal training, just nothing had really brought him any closer to his goal, so he wasn't really sure how Nick could change anything about that. "Don't worry. I have absolutely no clue how I can help you, but I know one thing: I'll figure something out!“, Nick grinned confidently and patted Brians back, he didn't even wait to get any answer, he had to do some research now. When Nick stood up and left the room, he left Brian alone, sitting on the couch, brooding about the words that had just been spoken. 


	2. In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick tries to give Brian some mental support, but things go awry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a few days to rewrite this chapter. I wanted to change it but still keep its essence. I hope you like it.

Things were difficult. He had not expected, that it would be easy, but looking at what he had found, things were not only hard, they were nearly impossible. Why had he thought, that he could help Brian to begin with? It's not like he was a therapist, a doctor or anything of that sort. And yet he had spoken all confident, that he would find a way to help him. Once again he cursed the fact, that he spoke so often without thinking first. Now Brian expected him to do something and he had nothing to offer. 

It wasn't fair, that Brian was the one to get sick and it hurt Nick quite a bit, that it was a possibility, that he would never be able to hear that angelic voice again. Nick could still remember the exact day, when he had first heard Brian sing. It had been one of those days he never could forget. The day it all began, when the Backstreet Boys were born. Nick still remembered how he had felt when that voice reached his ears. In that moment goosebumps had been produced all over his skin and he had not been able to hold back on shuddering lightly. That voice, it had been so great and impressed him so much, that he knew at that moment, Backstreet Boys wouldn't be a success without it. And even though AJ had been a completely amazing singer as well, Nick had always wanted to sing like Brian. He had been his idol in these early days. Not only the singing impressed him, but also how cool Brian was. On top of that he was great at sports too. He even played video games. None of the other guys really had a passion for that. Brian had just simply been the perfect guy and all that Nick had always wanted to be himself.

At the very beginning back then, they had been distant as well. How could anyone be close to someone they idolized as much? He had been afraid of rejection, so he had chosen to stay away and watch from a distance. It would have probably stayed that way if Brian had not noticed his teenage worries. He had been the one that approached young Nick to break the ice. Thinking back of that he could only smirk. He remembered, that he had been just as frozen standing in front of Brian as some fan-girls were today, when they spoke to any of the Backstreet Boys. How silly he must have looked standing there like a statue and looking up to Brian, like he was some kind of a god? Even today thinking back on that occasion resulted in Nick blushing, it had simply been that embarrassing.

As they finally had started to talk though Brian turned out to be the nicest guy he ever met and he definitely wasn't as scary as Nick thought he would be. In fact he had been and still was an amazingly funny and great guy. From then on they had spent much of their time together playing basketball and video-games or just simply hanging out. He always had been so much closer to Brian than he was to any of the other guys and they greatly enjoyed becoming the pranksters of the group. At times they had been really annoying to the rest, annoying enough to get nicknames: Frick and Frack, they even had beanies with those names printed on them.

It had been fun and simple times, without worries, when they were young and had not seen, how the world was working yet. How it was grinding on you day by day with things that simply weren't fair. Why was it always Brian that got sick? Nick had been doing so many unhealthy things to himself, but he had gotten away with surface scratches. Brian on the other hand, despite always living a healthy life, had been through open-heart-surgery, the swine-flu and now was hit with those vocal issues. He didn't deserve any of it, his heart was made of gold and yet sickness kept falling upon him like a heavy hammer, it was simply unfair. Then again, this world wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that his sister had died of drugs either. He blamed himself for it, he had been a bad example, living his life on the fast lane. It wasn't fair, that he had survived his expeditions in that area, while she had died. It wasn't fair, that he himself always got away with everything, while everybody around him seemed to suffer.  
Brian probably saw it all as a test from god, but Nick wasn't as deep of a believer. If there was a god, why did he need to put them through all that pain? He didn't like tests that involved pain, no matter if they came from heavenly beings or humans. Even if it was a test, in his opinion Brian had suffered more than enough.

It was sad, but Nick was also aware, that staring at the ceiling had never solved any problems. Laying around and thinking about things of the past wouldn't bring him any closer to the goals he had to achieve. If he wanted to change the future he needed to start now and he had already made the first step. Nick had been awake for hours, spending all night doing research on the internet about the condition that Brian had and what he could do about it. Sadly he did not really find anything good. Quite the opposite actually. All the sources he found made him believe there was nothing he could really do for his friend. It was devastating, here he was ready to move mountains and yet that seemed to be impossible. And yet he had promised Brian, that he would figure something out. He had made a promise and he had to keep it, he at least had to try something. 

The only thing he thought he could do was to give Brian some mental support. He had read, that Brians problems were related to the psyche. Nick wasn't sure what exactly that meant and he didn't think he could replace Brians therapy, but perhaps he could give him a little more confidence if he showed him, that he had his support no matter what. It was close to noon and Brian was about to come visit. Nick had thought for a long time, what he and Brian could do, when he would come visit and finally had decided on playing Mario Kart. They always had done that in the early days, when they had been on tour. It was one of the things, that made his teenage years at least a little bit normal: playing games and forgetting, that they had millions of girls screaming their names. Nick had enjoyed it and he knew Brian had as well. So it was a call-back to those old times he was missing greatly and that was part of why he chose it. He wanted Brian to remember the times, when they were young and the best of friends, cause it were positive memories. He had already prepared the console and the game and was about to start another practice run as he heard a knock at the door. So Brian had kept his promise to show up early. As he stepped towards his door to let his guest in, he took a deep breath. This meeting could go either way and part of him was afraid, that everything would go downhill and Brian and him would end up fighting. Nick didn't want that to happen, but all he could do was trying to be nice. So as he opened the door he spoke with the most gentlest of voices: "Come in!" 

Before Brian stepped into the room Nick examined him. He was dressed casual in denim and he at least seemed to be in a good mood. That was something he could build upon, so he gave Brian a smile. "So, you made it!“, Nick stated the obvious, before gesturing at the console and the couch standing in front of it. "I prepared something." Brian blinked a few times as he saw what the younger man had meant, "So, we really gonna play video-games?", oddly enough he had expected, that this was one of the things, that could happen. It was just so typical of Nick, that it was not really a surprise. "Of course we will and I'm gonna beat the heck out of you.", a challenge spoken so lightly caught his attention for sure. Brian knew Nick was good at this, but he also knew, that he wouldn't let him win easily. He had been quite good at games himself in his younger years. Perhaps he had become a bit rusty, but he would not know if he didn't try. So he moved to the couch and took a seat, grabbing one of the SNES controllers. "And here I thought you would have found a solution to my problem, when all you wanted is playing games.", he said, chuckling, but sounding a little bit sarcastic and quite bitter making Nick furrow his eyebrows. "Yeah, we will play games and we will talk. Rome wasn't built in a day, Brian.", and as Nick spoke, he sat down next to him. He would have loved to just have a solution to the problem at hand, but life never was as easy. At least he had tried and he still would keep on searching to find a way to help him. To Nicks dismay Brian on the other hand seemed to be pessimistic. 

"It's more about finding Atlantis, than building Rome.", the words Bri spoke didn't make it any better. "Listen Brian, if you keep talking like that I might just start calling you Old Grumpy-Pants.", Nick shot the smaller man a look, before huffing and looking towards the TV Screen. Brian already was picking his driver, Toad as usual. Nick preferred to pick Yoshi, so he did before speaking on: "Yes, perhaps I spoke too soon about figuring something out, or perhaps you are just being impatient.", Brian seemed skeptical, „You know how I sound...“, he spoke bitterly and let his shoulders fall low, "Hard to be optimistic if you hear you voice crack even if you are just speaking." Nick sighed, he could understand that, but he just did not want to accept Brian giving up on fighting. Knowing how sad Brian had been, when they met the day before, the pessimism didn't come unexpected, but Nick wouldn't let Brian loose himself in it.

„Yeah I know how you sound, but I also know how you sounded in the past. And I want that voice back idiot, I'm a fucking egoist...“, and he would poke his finger onto Brians forehead, who in turn started to blush. As Nick noticed that he pulled his hand back again, that was not the reaction he had been going for and he didn't understand it at all. For a moment he was confused and didn't know what to do. Why did Brian blush all of a sudden? Brian gave him a shy look. He definitely seemed embarrassed. Maybe that was it. Or maybe he was just afraid? Whatever it was, it didn't seem like Brian wanted to talk about it, since he turned his head away trying to hide the redness of his cheek. Nick respected that choice, he didn't plan on forcing Brian to do anything he didn't want. So instead of asking questions, he just started the first race. Mushroom Cup was the easiest of them all, the very first challenge. "I know, that I can't force you to be optimistic. I just want you to try. Don't dwell on what isn't good, think about the future."  
When the race started Nick focused on the task, starting to lead the race pretty quickly, he didn't look at Brian, but couldn't help thinking about him. His friend was silent too, obviously taking in the words that had been spoken. He was listening and that was good, but he still had a hard time getting out of his mood. "The future is what scares me Nick.", Brian looked at Nick just for a second letting the TV screen out of his sight, not long enough to give room to mistakes. When he looked back he noticed, that he had gathered a red shell, which he immediately used. When that shell hit Nick, causing him to spin, the taller blonde huffed, "And you shouldn't be scared. Nobody knows what the future will bring. The only reason you are afraid of it is because you expect the worst to happen.", it were wise words that Nick spoke, but Brian despite knowing they were right, had a hard time following through with what they demanded. "Let's put on some music, okay?", he finally spoke distracting from the subject, because he did not have anything positive to say about it. Brian let go of the controller in that moment, seemingly giving up. "What? You just let me win? That's no fun, Bri.", Nick sighed, he had just crossed the finish line, but there was still another lap to go. "Yeah I don't feel much like playing Mario Kart right now.", and Nick would watch as Brian stood up from where he was seated and walked over to the stereo standing on Nicks side-table. "Seriously, who still has a CD-Player in this time and age?", Brian chuckled for a moment, then pushed the play button.

Nick sighed and turned the Nintendo off, before standing up and walking over to Brian. As he came closer Linkin Park started to blare out of the speakers. He had always been a fan of their music, but he wasn't sure what his band-mate thought of them. The song playing was called 'In the End'. The song fit Brians situation so well, Nick had listened to it, when he had been doing research. As the song played his friend was silent, just listening. There was some rap and there was some singing, not so far off from some the early Backstreet Boys songs, but the guitar riffs and the drums were much harder. It was a loud song, but Nick liked it. Music always evoked emotions and those heavy songs hit him even harder. 

Nick was about to say something, when Brian suddenly started to sing along. He sure loved music, whenever he thought of a song he had to put it into a melody. But after a moment, the voice cracked again making him fall silent. When Brian turned around Nick could see his pained expression: "It hurts. Did you know that?", he put his hands to the throat that had disappointed him yet again and Nick could see tears glistening in his eyes. He had not known that. While he was aware, that the illness made his friends voice sound bad, he didn't know, that it caused pain whenever it happened. So as Brian told him so, he was surprised and immediately got an urge to hug Brian. There were not many words he could speak to make it better, any of them would have felt empty. The only thing that kept him from following through with his urge, was that Brian turned his back to him once again, eyeing the stereo playing the music. He was listening to the song, to each and every word of the lyrics, that created the story.  
_"I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter.“_ , this song was so fitting. He always had tried to be at his best, had always tried to move forward for himself and for the group and indeed they had gotten so far. But did it really not matter? He looked at Nick and shook his head, he didn't like this and the next line was pushing an invisible knife into his heart, he had fallen, he lost it all, but really. Brian reached out an arm to put the stereo on pause: "Does it really not matter Nick? Does it not matter to you? Does it not matter to me? The lyrics, that's what they are saying.“, he frowned and looked angry at Nick, who was surprised by the questions and silenced for the moment. He had to think for a while before answering, because he had not thought about it before. When he finally spoke he made it a point to look into Brians eyes "In fact that is just it: everything you lost it really doesn't matter Brian.", instead of helping him though, that answer felt to Brian like someone had smacked him right in the face. Hearing Nick speak like that, it hurt. „Maybe my vocal issues don't matter for you. But they DO matter for me, Nick.“, he moved closer and spoke quite loud and agitated. Nick was unfazed. „It shouldn't. Fuck it! If you fell, just stand up again. If you lost it all, just gain it back.“, he was really staring into Brians eyes now and tried to get his message across. For a moment it seemed like they were about to go at each others throats, Brian was clenching his jaw and Nick had put his shoulders up in quite an aggressive stance, but then Brian fell back.

"You are right...", Brian looked defeated. He was facing the ground, avoiding his gaze. "I know I have to fight and stay positive. It is just...", he paused and looked into the emptiness for a few seconds: "It's just, that every time I speak or sing I feel the pain in my throat and then I hear myself speak, sounding like a grandpa. I want to fight, but this thing keeps pushing me down. Sometimes it feels hard, to even go on like this at all." His expression was dark and Nick was shocked to hear him speak like that, "But Brian, you can't give up. Please, if you feel down like that come to me.", he put a hand on Brians shoulder and finally pulled him into a hug. It felt like the right thing to do, to hold his friend and assure him that he could rely on him and as he put his arms around Brian, he could feel how his tension fell off his shoulders. "Whatever you do, don't give up. Keep Fighting.", as Nick spoke he thought of the worst case scenario. It was a horrible thought. "Let's try to lighten up, okay?", and as he spoke those words he released Brian from the hug and smiled towards him. Before Brian could respond anything Nick put the music back on: "Let's try to play some more Mario Kart, okay?", and he moved back towards the console, coaxing Brian to join him. Eventually he did and Nick started the game back up, while the music was still sounding through the room. Now they would play.

Several hours later, it felt like they had heard 'In The End' a few thousand times. Nick was grinning, he had defeated Brian in Mario Kart, as he had promised. But what he was happy about was not only his victory, but also and mainly, that his plan had worked out. Brians mood had improved quite a lot. They had not fixed his issue, but at least they had spent time together. Brian had remembered the old days, without worries and had allowed himself to be just a little bit happier. He still would need to deal with his issue for a long time and it was nothing Nick could help him fix, but at least his friend could help him to have a better attitude about it. "You did a good job. But nobody can beat the Trackmaster.", Nick teased his older friend, being silly and acting all prideful. "But don't be sad, you may not be the best, but you are still better than AJ.", he smirked. It was true, Nick had played with AJ before. Compared to him Brian was a world champion. They both knew that and so they chuckled.

"Thank you Nick. I had fun. Actually wished it would have lasted longer.", it really had been an enjoyable experience. It had felt good to be around Nick and it had felt good to play games with him. Actually Brian couldn't remember the last time, he did have this much fun. It probably had been many, many years ago, before his problems started. "Will we repeat it?", he leaned his upper body forward lightly, putting his face closer to Nick, who nodded in a response. "Sure, but next time in your room!", and he winked, before putting a hand to Brians chest. At first Brian didn't think much of it, but then Nick grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to whisper something into his ear: "But for now I'm gonna take you to my bed. As payment for making you feel better."  
Those words shocked Brian, he wasn't actually sure if Nick was being serious, but those words drew pictures into his mind. "W-what are you talking about?", Brian sounded agitated and he pushed Nick away, much more forcefully, than he had actually planned on doing, forcefully enough to make his friend stumble and fall onto the ground. Forcefully enough to cause Nicks bum to hurt. He groaned up in pain. He had fallen hard on his butt and was now staring at Brian in disbelief. Now it was Nicks turn to look shocked, he didn't understand Brians harsh reaction, "I was just joking!", he mouthed, still not believing what just happened, it hurt and it was hurting in more than one way. Brian had never caused him pain before, most certainly not on purpose, so this was a first and since he could not even grasp why, the shock of it all went deep into his heart. "You hurt me!", he tasted every one of these three words on his lips as he spoke them out and he didn't dare to move a bit. 

By now Brian regretted pushing Nick. He had not planned on hurting him, but in that moment he had acted in an instinct, the pictures that came to his mind, he didn't want them. Now as Nick was giving him that look he felt his stomach turn. He felt like a monster. He would have hunted down any person, who just did as much as pulling Nicks hair and now he had been the one, who had caused him pain. Especially after a day like this, where he had done so much to try and help him, that felt terrible. "I'm sorry!", it was really all he could say, looking to the ground, he really felt sorry, but he also felt Nick getting angry, felt him staring and scowling at him. All he really could think of doing was to flee and so he did just that, muttering a quick: "I better go.“, before downright running out of the room, leaving Nick sitting dumbfounded on the ground.

Why did everything so good, always need to end like this? It was all his fault and as Brian finally made it back into his own room, he threw himself onto his bed to let the emotions get the better of him.


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is thinking about the past and the start of him having secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all your nice comments. This chapter is basically the first part of the next chapter. I divided them into two chapters, because the point of view between them switches from Brian to Nick.

Brian had never wanted to hurt Nick. The sheer thought of it was so far against his nature, that he still couldn't believe, that it actually had happened. And yet the picture of Nick hitting the floor of his room, grimacing in pain created by that fall was so vivid in his mind. It felt like if he simply reached out he could have touched Nick just there, but Brian knew that he could not. He couldn't reach for Nick and he couldn't turn back time to make good on what he had done wrong. For what it's worth, at least now he could be alone. Things had been awkward between him and Nick ever since they had parted ways on the fateful day. He still could remember it. It had started so well, but ended so badly and all just because he gave in to his insecurities. Since that day, they had been avoiding each other. Brian did not even dare to look at Nick anymore in fear that those blue eyes could see right through him. He didn't want to risk meeting them with his own, didn't want to give Nick the chance to read his secrets.

He had too many of those buried deep inside. There were secrets he had kept for years, which he never planned on sharing. Nick had been so close to uncovering a few of them. If Brian had not run that day, he could have read him like a book. He knew that the younger man had that ability: reading him like that. He already had been blessed with that talent, when they had first met. Over the years Brian had learned to shield those thoughts he didn't want to share, but when Nick had grabbed his shirt, he had broken that shield as well. Nick had been so close uncovering the truth. It scared Brian to think about it. What his friend didn't know, was that his solo album wasn't the only reason he had pulled away from him. That had only been the excuse he had been looking for since way before that. He had used it to explain pulling away from Nick, because he had not been able to bring up the strength to do it before that. Years had gone by since then and Brian had been so sure, that things were different now, but after the time he had spent in Nicks room it seemed to him, that some things just never changed.

The lamps in his room were turned off, he even had pulled the curtains close. Perhaps it was not the best idea to give himself to darkness like this, but he simply couldn't stand the light right now. He hold onto that darkness that did creep inside of these walls, inside of his head and inside of his heart. Everlasting darkness, that clouded, what once had been shining brightness. What had been dripping with joy, was now drowned in sadness. The only light left in the room was coming from the TV, tinting his face pale blue.

The screen was showing him pictures of a time he had nearly forgotten. It told a story of their golden years. He wasn't even sure how old he was in those moving pictures. Nineteen? Twenty? Certainly much younger and more naive, than he was today. How silly he had been, picking up plush toys, being silly and acting like a clown. Drunken on screams of girls and women, trying to catch a glimpse of them. The boys had been stars. They still were, but back then, when it all started, it had been intense. Their presence alone had been enough to cause some of their fans to faint.

It had been exciting times, when they didn't even understand what was happening to them. One day they had just been normal boys nobody cared for, the next they were the Backstreet Boys, superstars. It had been quite overwhelming and sheer unbelievable for all of them, but especially for him, Nick and AJ. The youngest two had not even finished their school, when those pictures had been captured.

Yes, Nick was on the video too, wearing an over-sized sweater, much too large for his lean and lanky body. They were having fun, Nick was holding some box full of toothbrushes, which had been thrown across the fence. They had been good friends back then, it was before he had secrets, simpler times. If only it could have stayed the way it was, when there were no worries on their mind, when they were carried by the first wave of their success.

But where some things stayed the same other things changed and he noticed it when the video showed a new clip, one that had been filmed two years later, 1997. _'And this is where we do our makeup...'_ , Nick was talking to the camera, his face still sparkling of youth. He had been filming a lot in these days, but Brian remembered the exact occasion of this particular video.

There it was, Nick was turning the camera, then Brian noticed his own younger self. It had been right after one of their shows. _'Brian?'_ , maybe he should have just died back then. The camera was soon pointing at him, he was panting, pale and sweaty. _'Oh my god Brian are you alright?'_ , Nick was moving towards him in the video. _'I'm fine...'_ , the response had been a lie, he hadn't told them about his heart at that time yet. He had not wanted them to worry, had not wanted to be a bother to them. Nick had known, that he was lying and he had placed the camera down to take a place next to him. 'No, you are not!', and Nick had touched his forehead, making his younger self freeze in motion. _'You got a fever Brian'_ , watching the scenes Brian just had to shake his head.

That had been the beginning of the secrets, he remembered the thoughts he had back then. Nick had leaned over him, coming so close, that he could feel the Carter boys breath hit his skin. Seeing those pictures he still could feel the spot, where the goosebumps had taken form all those years ago. As he had come that close all Brian had seen were those lips. They were speaking words, but they seemed so inviting. He had wanted to touch them in that moment. But at the same time he had known, that it would have been wrong. It would have destroyed their relationship in so many ways. As he watched his younger self standing up and walking away from Nick it seemed quite rude. But that had not been his intention. He just did have to escape in that moment. So he ran away, out of the room, somewhere else to gather his thoughts. It was one of his faults: if there was something he couldn't handle, most of the time he just fled the scene.

Ever since that day Brian had occasionally wondered, what would have happened if he had indeed kissed Nick back then. He had come to the conclusion, that first of all it would have destroyed their friendship. Nick was into girls and getting kissed by the guy he considered to be his best friend would have probably made things more than awkward.

Secondly, if anyone would have found out about it, it would have been a big scandal in every piece of media. The Backstreet Boys probably would not have survived that. That alone made him realize, that his decision back then had been the right one.  
Thirdly how would he have explained himself to his family? Brian had a pretty cool attitude about his religion. He believed in god, but he also believed that the heavenly father loved everyone, straight or not. But when it came to his family Brian wasn't sure, if they shared his thoughts. Most probably they did not and since family was important to him, that was a problem. 

Brian had come to the conclusion, that it was good, that things happened exactly the way they did. And yet, despite that thought, Brian was feeling mostly sadness about his decision. Why was his heart hurting so much thinking about it? Rationally all he had done was right, or at least that was what he thought. Emotionally though, watching himself flee was something he simply could not accept. If only he had shown a little more courage to take the opportunity and the risk. It might have ended in disaster, but it could have also lead him on a happier path. Perhaps he would not have lost himself in depression then.

The thought of him acting differently that day, just kissing Nick, grew quite vivid infront of his inner eye. It grew vivid and overbearing. His lips laying on Nicks soft lips, biting, suckling. Feeling the warmth of that body against his. Those pictures made him slap the palms of his hands against the side of his head. "Shut up.“, he called out into the nothingness. There really was no one to shout at, but the thoughts were loud enough, that they didn't need to speak. He felt like an idiot to have thoughts like that. What if he had acted that way? What about their career? Brian was certain, that it would have been the end of it. How could he have been happy, when that was the result of his actions? Of course it didn't make sense to think so intensely about something that happened more than a decade ago, but he couldn't help it. It was devastating not to know what could have been. He still felt like he had done the right thing, but part of him wished he knew what a different choice would have lead to. Somehow it seemed to him, that no matter what he would have chosen, things would have turned out dire.

But he couldn't help it: always when he looked at Nick he remembered it. Those lips, they had always been just a tiny bit too red. He still couldn't help staring at them, whenever Nick talked. Every time they were alone he had felt nervous and worried that he would do something, that wasn't in his control. And now it had happened. He had known, that Nick had be joking with him, when he grabbed his shirt and said those things to him. That wasn't the problem. What really got to him, was that he had wanted Nick to be true with words and actions. He had wanted to kiss and feel him. When he had thought about that he had blushed and all those secrets he had kept for years had been easy to read on his cheek. But he didn't want Nick to read them. He was afraid of how he would react to them. He was afraid of rejection. So when he had shoved Nick away it had been to protect himself from emotion.

For what it was worth, he was now alone. But he realized, that things weren't really better, than they would have been if he had not been such a coward. If Nick had rejected him, they probably would have stopped talking to another, but they weren't talking to each other now either. More than that, they were even avoiding each other. His best friend was staying in the same house as he was, but it felt like they were separated by a million miles.

Brian wondered what Nick was doing. Was he feeling sad about all this, too? Was he even missing him? Or was he spending his time with the others? Thinking about it made him pout. He didn't like thinking about Nick having fun with the other men. Of course he wanted him to be happy, but the thought of Nick spending his time with anyone else but him made him jealous. Brian couldn't deny being a little bit possessive, but he hated himself for having these thoughts. Nick was not his possession, they weren't an item and even though part of him wished they were, the situation was much too complicated for Brian to make any step towards changing that. 

He would have kept brooding, but a sudden knock on his door pulled him away from his thoughts. "Brian?“, it was Kevins voice that accompanied the knocking. "Huh?“, he answered, standing up from where he was sitting to make his way to the door and unlock it. "We're discussing what kind of bands to include as warm-up acts for the tour, you coming?" His cousin sounded like he wasn't sure what Brians answer would be. Since he had been locked up in his room for most of the day, that probably was no wonder. Even now he wasn't really sure if he wanted to go, it would mean seeing Nick after all. On the other hand he was curious and wanted to bring up his own ideas to the discussion.

So he finally answered, "Yeah, I guess.“, and proceeded to open the door. He was greeted by his cousin looking at him with a frown. "And I thought you didn't want to be part of the group anymore.“, he examined him critically and Brian could only blink. He didn't know where that came from. Kevin had been the one to leave them behind. Brian was very well aware, that his voice wasn't what it used to be, but not one second had he thought about leaving the group. It simply wouldn't work that way, he knew his fans would be heartbroken, if he did that. So he gave Kevin an irritated look, before walking past him towards the stairs. "Won't do you that favor, Kev!“, he said sarcastically. As he approached the steps Kevin just shrugged: "Well that's good then."

Downstairs in the living room Brian could spot, that the other guys were already there. AJ was sitting in an armchair, while Nick and Howie sat opposite to each other on the two couches. Brian frowned lightly as he looked at Nick, then avoided his gaze as he sat down next to Howie. Despite not even looking at Nick, he could feel his stomach turn. This was not going to be easy.


	4. Unspoken Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Brian argue. Then Brian confuses Nick by coming close to him.

Nick had been feeling uncomfortable. They had been sitting around the table for about half an hour and Brian had not even looked at him once. It bothered him. Of course he was still angry and shocked, that Brian had shoved him, but being avoided like that was even worse. It was hard for him to think about anything else. They had been here for a while already, but both Brian and him had stayed rather silent. It was not like Nick did not care, who their opener act was, but his mind was set on something else: understanding Brian. Usually Nick did not have any problems doing that. He always had been able to read his friend. Sometimes it was as if he knew Brian better, than he knew himself. The fact that he didn't understand him now worried him deeply. All he could do, was to stare at him. Perhaps if he only looked long enough he would get some kind of epiphany about his friends emotions. Why was he so angry? Nick regretted the stupid joke he had shot at Brian after their video game session, but he still couldn't understand why his friend was that angry. It had been a bad joke, alright, but it wasn't fair, that Brian shunned him for it. After all, what he had done that day, had been done with the purest of intentions. All he had wanted to do was to make Brian laugh. It was a quite disappointing, that Brian couldn't see that.

Nick really had wanted to see him laugh. He really loved the way he closed his eyes slightly and the way dimples formed on his cheeks, when Brian smiled. It was a beautiful sight really, one that he had been missing sorely in those last few years. Of course Brian had still smiled now and then, but the fire that once had been burning brightly behind his baby blue eyes had been dead. Nick didn't know why his friend seemed so sad. First he had assumed, that it was because of his failing voice, but after their gaming session it dawned on him, that there probably was a deeper reason for it. Depression was a bitch and Nick didn't need to be a psychologist to see, that it was probably what Brian was suffering from. Maybe it was at fault for his voice as well or the other way around. Whatever it was, that was bothering his friend, Nick wanted to help. It was not only that the Backstreet Boys needed the recovery of that voice, but also the fact, that he didn't like to see Brian like this. Nicks heart was aching in empathy and he wanted nothing more but to see Brian happy again.

Of course Brians voice was important as well, without it their quintet wasn't complete. Without it, their music didn't have the same harmony and without it Nick was afraid to never again feel goosebumps running up and down his skin, while they performed. That voice had done that to him, making him shudder in awe again and again. He missed it so much, but he missed the old carefree Brian even more.

It was not only his voice that had changed, his whole personality had as well. He wasn't as fun anymore as he used to be. Sometimes he was even quite melancholic. Depression did that to you, Nick was well aware of that. But if that was the cause, then Brian had dealt with it for a long time. He couldn't remember the exact date when the happiness had faded from Brians eyes, but Nick blamed himself for not doing anything about it sooner. 

“Nick?”, it was at that moment, that AJ leaned over to him to nudge his shoulder, while pointing at Kevin. Obviously the oldest of the group had spoken something, but Nick had been so distracted in his thoughts, that he had not quite gathered the words. “Um, yeah?“, he faced Kevin, hoping he would repeat what he wanted, “I asked if you do not have any ideas? I mean, you haven't said a thing about the bands suggested by management.”, Kevin gave him a stern look, seemingly not all that happy about the fact, that Nick hadn't been paying attention. It was not like he could blame him, after all this was about their show, it was important they all agreed on what was going on with it. But luckily Nick had at least thought about the subject matter, before coming to their meeting today, so he sighed, before speaking up: "Well, I thought about it. Do we even need a warm-up act? Isn't some nineties music from the stereo enough?", Nick leaned forward asking that question.

From the silence that followed he knew, that his suggestion was not really a popular one. He even could feel Brians eyes on him. So now he was looking? Nick raised his head to meet his gaze, but as soon as their eyes met Brian turned to look at AJ instead. "Now, that would be boring, wouldn't it?“, AJ spoke huffing lightly, but Nick had another idea: "Or we find a singer, that had the same issue as Brian, but overcame it. Maybe that could help him.“, he spoke the words a bit faster than needed, he knew, that they would probably lead to awkwardness, mostly because Brian didn't like to talk about his issue at all. As expected the room fell into silence. He felt slightly bad for it, but he couldn't hold himself back trying to help Brian. So he kept his head up, moving it lightly to look at each one of them individually. His intentions once again had been good and he hoped Brian would see that.

Sadly it didn't seem that way, as his band-mate was glaring angrily at him. Brian was shooting daggers with his gaze and Nick had a hard time not to avoid it when their eyes met. "Another one of your plans, Nick?“, Brian finally spoke, too „Nick, you aren't a vocal therapist, you don't even have a clue what I need.“ Of course he did not, but Nick couldn't help to feel his temper rising as those words were spoken. "At least I am trying to do something Brian. What have you been doing, except for sitting in your room sulking all day?“, he was getting louder, he could feel each word escaping his throat with force. Part of him knew, that getting angry was not really helping, but he was frustrated. Brian was avoiding him and when they spoke all he mentioned was that he couldn't do this and that. Nick hated arguing, but it seemed, that in these last days, whenever they spoke it ended up with them being at each others throats. If Brian would just listen to him: "How can you be sure, that nothing I suggest will help you? Have you even really tried to get better? Have you even once believed in yourself?" Now it was Nicks turn to stare Brian down. Evidently those words hit their mark as Brian grimaced mildly looking hurt. Great, that was not what he had wanted. For a second Brian seemed to be thinking about his words, then he spoke on: "I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't need anybody to talk to. I don't need any other singer with the same problem. Don't you think I tried everything, that was in my power already?“, he gave a frustrated kind of grunt, "Why do you feel the need to turn the focus onto my voice again?", Nick noticed how Brian was trying to get louder, but in the end his voice left him again, leaving his words pressed and breathy. “Just leave me alone!”, were the final words he spoke and Nick heard a heap of sadness dripping with those words.

"But I just want to help you, Brian.“, Nick mumbled, as he felt slightly defeated. Did Brian really want to be left alone by him? Why did it hurt so much to hear him say that? As he felt, that his heart started ache lightly in his emotional pain, he couldn't take it anymore. Nick didn't want Brian to say these kind of things, so he started to shout as loud as he possibly could: "Stop pushing me away! I want to help you, man!" It hurt him a lot, that Brian was so stubborn and it hurt him, that he was pulling away from him. Why couldn't they just be Frick and Frack? They had always gone through the worst together. Why was that suddenly so hard now? He had wondered about that a lot recently. Brian was looking away again and Nick noticed how the other three men in the room looked back and forth between them.

"I think you two seriously need to talk!“, Howie spoke rather seriously, while standing up from his seat "If we want this to work, we need you two to stop acting like teenagers.", Sweet D gave them another look, before he put his hands into his pocket as he walked out of the room. "He's kind of right. It sucks when we need to talk business and you two start arguing all the time.“, Kevin agreed and gave them a stare down, before nodding to AJ, "Let's Go, we can continue this talk tomorrow!" Both AJ and Kevin stood up, just like Howie had done before them. They seemed to be disappointed and Nick could perfectly understand why. The thing was, that he didn't know what he could do to mend this situation.

After the other men left there were only Nick, Brian and the returned silence left inside the room. The older singer was staring at the table now. There was an expression of regret written all over his face. He seemed to be thinking. At least he was not leaving. Even if he wasn't talking, that was a good sign. The fact, that he didn't leave meant, that he was there to listen to what Nick had to say: „Brian, what has gotten into you? I mean... I am sorry for what I said, but it was only a joke. You know that, right?", he tilted his head to the side as if to underline his question. Brian nodded. "Then why are you avoiding me?“, Nick asked and he wanted to say more but he stopped when he saw that Brian standing up from the couch. „Where are you going?“, there was still no response. 

It was a confusing situation for Nick, but it didn't seem like Brian wanted to leave the room. He was just standing there for a while staring at the table. „Why are you not talking?“, it was kind of annoying, too. They wouldn't be able to put their problems aside, if Nick was the only one doing the talking. But things only got more confusing, when Brian started to walk over to him. What was his friend up to? Did he want to punch him? Brian was shivering as he came closer in slow steps and out of instinct Nick moved backwards lightly. “You're freaking me out!“ And it was true, Brians behaviour being silent like that was kind of creepy. But despite his protests Brian didn't stop and Nick wanted to speak again, when he was silenced by what happened next, because as the other man finally was close enough to act he put his finger onto Nicks lips. He still didn't speak, but the gesture was enough to keep Nick silent. Of course he still felt tense, since he didn't know what the other was planning, but there was something else too. Being so close to Brian, it felt oddly right so he didn't move, not even when Brian sat down next to him. What was going on? Before he could even think about it Brian made another move, grabbing him by the shoulder with one hand and by the hip with the other. What was going on? The question again shot into his head. Why was Brian so close all of a sudden? Why did Nick feel his cheeks getting warm? And why did his heart suddenly beat so fast? Again Nick wondered, what had gotten into his friend, as the older man moved his arms around him to pull him into a hug.

That was unexpected, he couldn't understand, why Brian all of a sudden wanted to hug him, when they had been arguing only seconds ago. There were many things in this moment, that he didn't understand. While Brian was nuzzling against his shoulders hiding his face Nick was getting nervous. He had felt himself blushing, but he didn't know why, after all this was his best friend who had his arms around him. They had hugged before and often, but something about this hug right now, made him feel all kinds of confused.   
„I'm sorry, Nick.“, he heard Brian whisper against his shoulder, and as he turned his head to face him, he could see that he was crying. „It is not your fault, that things are the way they are. I shouldn't push you away. But it's for the best, can't you see that? It's the only thing I can do.“ Suddenly Brian pulled back from the hug only to push Nick lightly down onto the couch. He was hovering above him now, the ceiling lamp illuminating his back, masking his facial features in the shadows. With Brian on top of him like that Nick was frozen. His heart beat so fast, it surprised him, that it wasn't jumping out of his chest already. Nick still couldn't understand what was going on. He was so nervous and confused, that it rendered him completely unable to do or say anything. Brian was his friend, he shouldn't be feeling, what he was feeling right now. The things he was feeling, were things you should only feel for your lover. 

His eyes were wide open when he felt Brian touch his lip. It made him gasp and made him bend his back against the pillows. Brian was staring down into his eyes, while his finger trailed along Nicks lip, to feel the shape of it. Nick greatly enjoyed the feeling of it, but was too overwhelmed to show it. He didn't know what to do. So all he did was laying there frozen and meeting the Brians gaze with his own. What was going on with both of them? There was electricity buzzing in the air for sure, but they weren't supposed to do these kind of things with each other. Maybe Brian had thought the same, because suddenly he moved off of him, sitting up straight again. „Can't you see, why I need to push you away?“, and he stared at him, making Nick gasp yet again, when he understood what Brian meant. 

„It's better that way!“, and there was this incredible sadness speaking dripping out of his words again. A sadness, that said more, than the actual words did by themselves. „It's better for all of us if I stay away from you as far as possible. It's particulary better for you and for me.“, he smiled softly, but his eyes were revealing how sad he truely felt. It was the same hearbreaking picture Nick had seen so many times over the last years and it made him sit up as well to put a hand on his friends shoulder. It was all he could do, since he was still at a loss of words. But as soon as he touched Brians shoulder, the older man shook it off and stood up. “Don't touch me!“, his words shot like a dagger into Nicks heart. “Thank you for worrying about me and my voice, tho. I'll get me some help from a doctor. Someone who actually knows about vocal chords.“, when Brian spoke these words it was like he twisted that dagger, that was now stuck in Nicks heart. It was painful to hear him speak like that, it felt like he was not honest in his appreciation of Nicks attempts to help him. Of course Nick didn't know shit about vocal chord therapy, but he had still attempted to help his friend, because he had actually believed, that he could. It probably didn't matter now, since all he could see was Brians back. He didn't even see his expression. The only thing he saw were his movements and the steps he made towards the door. Brian was leaving and that hurt as well.

It hurt, but Nick didn't know what words to speak to make him stop. He didn't even know what to feel right now. There were so many thoughts on his mind, that it was hard to put them in order. Should he be flustered by Brians earlier advances? Should he be weirded out, that his heart beat so fast for a man, who used to be his best friend? Should he be angry about Brian, being mean? Should he angry about him running away like he always did? He felt all of it at once, so he could really only stare, as the door opened and Brian stepped out. There was the same dumbfounded expression on his face, that had been there, the last time Brian had run away. But this time he was hurting and more confused.   
He didn't know when, how or why it could have come to this. If he was true to himself, he wasn't even exactly sure he understood what Brian was feeling, Did he love him or did he just lust for him? There was a difference between those two for sure. Both options were making him nervous and perhaps there were even more options, that he didn't think about. It definitly seemed like attraction of some kind. He had seen that in Brians eyes when he had looked up into them. One thing was certain tho: thinking about it now was definitly not helping, since it made the anger rise up inside of him. Nick just couldn't believe the way Brian had left him sitting here alone, especially after the things he had done with him on the couch: „You're a fucking asshole Brian Littrell!“, he shouted out in his frustration and lowered his head down onto his palms, covering his eyes. „Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!“, he punched the couch pillow, before throwing himself onto it. All those feelings, they were mixing up, but both sadness and anger were overwhelming all other emotions and drove tears into his eyes. How could Brian just leave him like that? Why did he always have to be such a coward?


	5. In Darkness I Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian quits the band and looses himself in depression.

And then there was darkness: it was like suddenly the sun, the moon and all the stars had vanished. There was nothing shining for him anymore. Nothing was bright enough to lighten his mood. He felt so numb, empty, void of any emotion, he couldn't even shed any tears anymore, because all of them had fallen already.   
The room was as dark as his soul felt, the curtains heavy and thick had been pulled infront of the windows for days. He had denied to leave the room, didn't want to speak to anybody. He just kept his door locked, for everyone. Even if they would have tried to pull him out of his swamp, they probably would have failed. Most likely any attempt of getting him out of it would have only dragged him further down. Perhaps he was being pessimistic, but for Brian it felt more like finally being realistic. He should have put down his foot earlier, instead of giving in to false hopes.

Regrets and worries were covering his heart with a thick blanket. He was embarassed and afraid of what he had done. Two days had passed since he had basically admitted having feelings for Nick. The words he had spoken then, the things he had done, Brian felt ashamed for it. It had been better when these things still had been his secrets. Now he just didn't want to see Nick anymore, not even from the distance. He was much too afraid of rejection and even more scared of ridicule. What he had done that day had driven him and his best friend further apart. And yet perhaps it was the best thing he could have done. Now at least things were clear and they would be able to stay away from each other. Well, they could if there was not the problem, that they were still together in one band. 

He had not been thinking straight, when he put out his raw emotions towards Nick. When he had spoken them it was already too late. Brian had seen the confusion in the younger mans eyes, it was not like he had expected him to be fine with it. At the time he had not expected anything to happen, but he just had to speak. Had it been the right thing to do in order to push Nick away? In that moment he had certainly thought so. However, it had not even taken a second for him to regret every word that had dropped from his lips. While he had thought, that he had it all figured out, the chaos of his emotions came crashing down on him right away. Those words he had spoken, they were enough to make things difficult. If only he could have taken them back. As it was however, he had spoken them and all he felt he could do now was to pull away not only from Nick, but from everyone else as well. It was important that he did, because else it might have destroyed everything, he was so sure of that. 

Things like that were awkward enough behind closed doors, where he could avoid Nick, but on stage that was no option. He didn't even want to think about going on shows with him. How should he portray the usual closeness between them? The fans surely would notice something was wrong, you couldn't hide these kind of things. Brian was well aware how all of this was capable of destroying everything they had built for themselves in the last 20 years. He couldn't allow that to happen, he needed to protect the band, himself and Nick. A choice had to be made. But why was it so hard?

All that was on his mind was Nick, from the first breath of the morning, to the last gasp of the evening. The youngest member of their band, his best friend, the guy he had fallen for, it was like the thought of him was sent to torture him night and day. Brian was being rational by staying away from him. Had he followed his emotions he just would have declared his undying love to Nick. If he followed his emotions, he could have tried to win him over, but he could not allow that to happen so he kept himself in check. It was better that way. He kept repeating that thought over and over in his mind. Maybe he would start believing it if he just repeated it often enough.

Never before had he felt so torn. The worst part was, that he was certain, that Nick hated him for what he had done. Maybe he was even disgusted by him and his advances. And even if he was not disgusted, he surely at least would be weirded out. Perhaps he even had told their band-mates. Told them that Brian was gay and how it creeped him out. That thought was one of the horrors that kept hunting his mind and kept him locked in the room. He didn't want to face anyone, that could have judged him. All he wanted to be, was alone.

At least the darkness didn't hurt him, it kept him save, nobody could see him when he used it as a blanket to hide. He didn't want to be seen, because he did not plan to share his suffering. He was drinking melancholy and spitting sadness. It all made no sense anymore. He avoided his friends and he couldn't even sing. And there it was again, that thought about the choice he had to make. He had to leave the Backstreet Boys. Why was he even still part of them anyway? He was only a burden. They were better off without him. If he simply wasn't there, Nick could stop his efforts trying to make him feel better, then he could focus on more important things. Without him Nick wouldn't have to deal with the silly emotions Brian had towards him either. Without him nobody had to worry about his voice anymore and the four of them could split his parts. Infact, right now Brian was certain, that it was pretty much the only way for them to survive.

He had given up trying to be what he was not anymore. Without his voice, he was no singer. He had not been one in a long time. In those last few years all he had been, was a clown, hiding his sadness behind a mask. To his credit he was pretty good in playing that part. It had helped him fool many people, even Nick for a while. His acting skills were to thank for the fact, that no journalist had written about his failing voice yet. But an actor was not worth a dime, in a vocal harmony group.

He couldn't postpone the decision any longer, he had to act now or never. So as he pushed himself off the bed, there was determination written on his face. This was the Brian not many people got to see, this was his business side, that made him seem years older than he was. When he was in this mode, his emotions were put away behind a secure lock. Like this nobody could stop him doing what he had planned. Not even the brightness outside of his room could keep him from doing what had to be done. Even as the light nearly blinded him when he opened the door he pushed himself forward. If he didn't do this now, he would never find the same strength again. He had to do it now, it was the best thing he could do. So his steps lead him down the stairs straight to the living room, which was located on the west side of the mansion. This was where he hoped the guys would be hanging out at this time of the day.

And infact he found AJ and Kev sitting on the couch. He didn't see Nick or Howie anywhere though, not that he minded. Not seeing Nick made things easier for him. As he walked into the doorframe, he caught their attention without even needing to say a word. His presence and demeanor seemed to be prominent enough, that the other two men in the room turned their head to face him. That was a good thing, because he didn't feel like making an entrance speech to get them to listen to him. There were only two words he wanted to say and without hesitation he just blurted them out: „I quit!“, and as he spoke them he tasted them. Obviously unexpected for the other men, those words tasted like bitter iron on his tongue and they were heavy, hitting AJ and Kev with full force.

„What?“, AJ looked at him with an expression, that told him, that he wasn't sure he could believe what he just heard. So Brian had to repeat it. However unlike the first time he had planned ahead for, the second time was much harder. Suddenly there they were again, those thoughts. There were emotions, because he was attached to each and every one of his band-mates and there were memories of all the times they had lived through, the good and the bad. But he had to stay focussed, had to be firm, it was better for all of them. So he suppressed the part of him, that doubted what he was doing right now and raised his voice again: „Like I said, I quit. I don't want to be part of the Backstreet Boys anymore.“, now he had spelled it out for them, clear as day and his voice sounded angrier than he had meant it to be. He had no reason to be angry with them, the only person he had reason to be angry with was himself. 

“You can't be serious, Brian!”, Kevin looked similary confused as AJ did. It seemed like this was coming to a surprise to them and it probably was. And yet Brian kept wondering how they could not have felt it coming. Kevin in particular, since he had asked him if he wanted to leave before. His cousin knew how it felt needing to leave the band behind. He was the one who had left before. That had been different times though. When Kev had left them, they had not been planning for an upcoming tour. To Brian it made no difference though, because he felt like he was doing the right thing, so he spoke on: “But I am serious. I quit! Tomorrow I will leave this place.“ and with that it was final. The expression on his face made it clear, that those were his last word on the subject. Both AJ and Keve seemed to be shocked and unable to find the right words to say. What could you say to something like that coming out of nowhere? They had not been prepared for it. The thing that broke the silence came rather suddenly with the sound of glass shattering behind Brian, something that made AJ gasp.

When Brian turned around to search the source of the sound, he saw Nick staring at him in disbelief. Those blue eyes, they were so wide, that he had a hard time not to loose himself in them. It took a great amount of willpower to keep up his stern expression, but he managed. When what he read in Nicks eyes changed from shock to hurt though, Brian felt pain rising in his stomach. He wanted to hug Nick so badly right now, but if he would, he would never be able to go through with this. 

As Nicks expression changed again it made Brian freeze. There was anger in those eyes and then there was pain, followed by disappointment. Suddenly it was as if the whole air around them became cold. So cold, that he had to squeeze his own hands into fists tightly. Nick leaned closer towards him, shaking his head. “You are such a coward Littrell!“, his voice was colder even than the atmosphere, sharply spoken and devoid of all emotion. Brian hearing these words so close to his ear shuddered as he felt how that coldness set upon his heart. Despite the fact, that he had expected Nick to react negatively, he had not been prepared for the coldness of his voice. When Nick simply pushed him to the side lightly, to walk past him into the living room and out towards the garden, Brian felt as if chains were being pulled tight around his heart. Frick and Frack were dead, it was over, Nick would never forgive him.

As he watched the blonde man leave, he felt himself falling into a deep pit of sadness, “I... sorry...“, his words were whispered too late, Nick didn't hear them anymore. He just had left him standing in the doorframe, facing the other two men. He looked at Kevin and AJ, who still were looking at him from the living room. Neither of them really seemed willing to speak anymore. Brian was not in a mood for it either and perhaps they had noticed. Once again he started to feel the strong urge to flee. He needed to get away from here. It was too bright, the light it was burning in his eyes, where was the darkness to hold him? Before Brian even realized it, he had turned around and his legs were carrying him up the stairs. 

When he ran back into his room, he felt like a rope was being pulled tight around his throat. He needed to lock the door, he wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anyone. It was so hard to breath under the tears that found their way down his cheek and then as he locked the door the darkness gathered around him. Oh that sweet darkness: if he opened his heart for it, maybe it would fill the holes, that the last days had left in it. Nick had never been so cold, he never had spoken like that to him. His sweet Nick had always smiled and joked, when he had been around. He had hugged him when he was down, he had left him in peace, when he needed to think. The way he had been able to read his emotions was scary sometimes. Why wasn't he showing this empathy now?

Then again, why should he? Thinking about it, he pretty much had been the one who pushed Nick away. He should have been careful, what he had wished for. Without Frack, Frick was nothing only a shell without a name. Without Nick, he was incomplete. Brian sobbed, when their song came to his mind, Nicks voice, right now it made his heart shatter. As the music in his mind made him shudder once again he sank down against the wall to the ground. This moment, it was like his world was falling apart. Where there had been emptyness earlier, now all he felt was pain. It had been gathering in his stomach for days. Now he could cry again, but he felt like numbness was only waiting around the corner.   
Once the pain would fade it would leave an even bigger hole, where it had been burning like a fire. Nothing could stop him from falling anymore, he felt like he would never be able to smile again. He was sick of his masks, sick of his failing voice, sick of being scared, sick of the fact that whatever he did lead to even more pain. Shadows were consuming him, shadows of the past and present, they all were dancing around him like wolves circling their prey. It was hard to get any a clear thought with them stabbing at him with needles, because everytime they stabbed, he was reminded of that cold expression on Nicks face. 

As the darkness consumed him, the numbness he expected came back. He felt how it changed him, how it left him staring into nothingness. He felt so empty, as if he had lost all of his power. All those years he always had been strong, for himself and for others, but he was done. There was simply no way he could keep staying the way he was. Because Frick couldn't exist anymore, it had been a part of himself, his enthusiasm, his will, his hope and strength. But Frick and Frack were dead, so now he was left to be the other half. The sick, little boy with a heart condition, the man with the failing voice, that guy, who was the coward. Brian didn't think too highly of himself. Before he had met Nick, he had nearly already given up on everything. Only the masks he wore had kept people from noticing. If Frick and Frack hadn't been, he wouldn't have survived 1998, he was sure of that. The only reason he survived had been Nick. The younger man had always made him strong and without him he felt hopeless.


	6. The Broken Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian leaves, Nick is sad. Brian falls into depression.

He had been standing at the curtain for quite some time now staring out of the window and watching the scenes that unfolded down in front of the mansion. Brian was loading a car with his luggage and Kevin was there talking to him. He couldn't understand what they were saying, but he saw the oldest Backstreet Boy was pretty agitated and Nick couldn't blame him for that either.

Brian was just running away, that was nothing new, but this time it all seemed so much more final. More than that he was letting them down. Of course his voice wasn't alright, but he still was an important member of their group and Nick didn't even have the slightest idea, how they would explain Brians departure to their fan-base. The fans didn't even know of Brians vocal issues, so they weren't expecting anything in that direction. 

Besides of that Nick also knew, that the real problem was much different. He didn't know how to feel about it yet, but he knew that Brian was attracted to him. The problem with Brian was, that he was a coward, afraid of handling that situation. It was perfectly clear to Nick, but still he didn't know what he could do or say to take that fear away. Brian had always been a coward and had always needed that push to stand up to his own problems. But this time he didn't want to be the one to run after him. He always had done that and always Brian had started running away again a few days later. His pride was hurt and this time it was Brians turn to come to him. 

While his fingers danced along the lace pattern of the curtain, his mind painted him pictures of playing with Brians hair, back in the days when it was still kind of curly. He hadn't thought anything of it in that time, they had been friends. Had been. He wasn't even sure how he and Brian were standing to each other anymore. What he knew was, that the knots in his stomach were painful enough to draw a frown onto his face. As certain as he was about not changing his decision to let Brian go, he didn't know if it was really the right thing to do.

Sure he was too proud to keep running after Frick, but part of him was afraid that this would be the last time he saw him. Even though he wanted to believe, that Brian would be able to fight his own cowardice, he didn't really know what he would do if that wasn't the case.

'Don't worry I will always be at your side Frack.', Brians words echoed in his mind, mocking him. He still remembered them after all those years. Once Nick had been the coward, too afraid to travel the world alone. Every night he had sobbed, because he had missed his home so much. But Brian had been there to hold him close, making sure that he was able to sleep. It had been an innocent and simple gesture of friendship, but to Nick it was one of the most important memories of his life.  
And now it all seemed forgotten. Brian was a liar. The words he had said back then, now he was breaking them. And even if it was out of fear, it wasn't supposed to be that way. Maybe he didn't even remember. He had promised to be with him and now he was running away, leaving him alone. He felt betrayed and heartbroken.

A sudden knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. "Nick?", it was AJs voice, it was sounding shaky, as if he had been sobbing. "Come in.", Nick didn't want to move away from the curtain, he was still watching Brian and Kevin, who by now were shouting words at each other. He didn't pull his eyes away from them, but the sound of the door opening and the footsteps that followed alerted him of AJ coming closer.

"Why are you here, shouldn't you be down there with Brian?", Nick asked, his voice seemed kind of cold, but he really just wanted to be alone now. "I could ask you the same question.", Nick could hear how AJs voice was wavering at his response, he was still sobbing. "What should I do down there? He made his decision. I'm not the puppy who always runs after him.", he gave a frustrated sigh and let go of the curtain, turning around. "Why are you crying AJ? He isn't worth it, he's leaving us all alone, you should be fucking angry!“, he shouted at the older Backstreet Boy, who kind of let his shoulders hang at the reaction. 

"He is our friend, Nick!", AJs voice was mirroring his irritation. "Maybe he is yours, but he obviously isn't mine.", Nick crossed his arms, no matter what the other man said, he simply didn't want to hear it. He had made his decision and his decision was final. "Anything else?", he lifted his chin challenging AJ to speak up again and for a moment it seemed like he would, but then he just shook his head and lifted a CD. "What is that?", AJ huffed at Nicks question. "So suddenly you care? Whatever... It's Brians, I think you should have it. It's...", he wanted to speak on but Nick fell into his word: "What kinda bullshit is that?", he grabbed the CD out of AJs hand and threw it onto the blanket of his bed.

–--

It was early in the morning, the temperatures were still low and bearable and the birds were singing melodies from the trees. The day seemed so peaceful, a peace that was only broken by the voices shouting across the plaza in front of the mansion. “You can't seriously be thinking about leaving us?“, Kevin had come after him as he had left the mansion after breakfast and he seemed more than agitated. “I told you yesterday didn't I?“, Brian did not really want to discuss it at all. Right now he was determined to follow through with his promise of leaving them, but he knew he was not nearly certain enough of it to withstand a long discussion with his cousin. “You got to be kidding me! You are really doing this?“, now his older cousin was storming towards him. “You can't leave! We still have appointments to do, duties to fulfill. You can't just simply quit!“, Brian had only seen Kevin as agitated once before in his life. That time when AJ was being a drunk shit. Back then his cousin had brought up the same voice and the same expression. It was hard not to get swayed by his objections, but Brian had known Kevin quite a bit longer than AJ. Standing up to his cousin was nothing he was doing for the first time. So he only huffed staring back at Kev “It's not for you to decide what I do with my life!“, he spoke and threw one of his bags into the back of the car. “Do you think this is easy for me?“, he questioned and sighed as he saw, that Kevin was still fuming with anger. “You are being an egoistic prick. Have you ever thought about anybody else but of you? Have you one minute thought about how we are supposed to explain that to our fans?“, and carried by that anger Kev came close enough to grab Brians arm, squeezing it tightly. “I have thought about nothing else but the band. I can't do this anymore.... I can't fucking sing... Can't you hear my voice?“, it was already cracking and failing again, and he wasn't even singing, just shouting. "We would have found a solution!", obviously he was sharing the same false hopes Nick had for him. "Yeah, right. There is no other solution but the one I'm offering you now! So stop talking. I made my decision. I will leave and you can't stop me Kevin. Even if you shout so loud that the whole street will hear you. I will be leaving!", and with those words, he pulled his arm away from Kevin and threw the second bag into the back of the car. He had enough, he could have reminded Kevin, how he had been the one to leave the group behind before as well. But he was sick of it, he had enough of fighting and was sick of explaining himself. He just wanted to get home.

–--

"Please, just go AJ!", Nick didn't feel like talking to any of his band-mates. He just wanted to look out of his window again. He knew AJ had just meant it well, but right now standing here with him didn't help. So Nick was thankful, as the older guy simply accepted his wish and left the room. He was thankful, since he wasn't able to hold back his tears anymore. While he was angry, he also was sad and as his hands touched the curtain again he could see how the car was leaving. How his friend was leaving, that one guy, that had really known him. That one guy, that ever truly meant something to him.

And as the car vanished behind the trees in the distance, he felt a stinging pain inside of his chest. It felt like his heart was breaking into two and in that moment, he felt like he was falling. Deeper and deeper. The CD AJ had brought him, it was Brians, he remembered it. Frick had made it for him, after Nick had told him his favorite bands. In their days traveling through Europe, far away from his home in Florida Nick had felt gloomy quite a lot. Sometimes he had even cried and playing music was one of the many methods Brian used to cheer him up. He had been really good in cheering him up in all those years and now it was so different. It hurt so much to have him leave like that, it felt like he was breaking. The pain was just too much and he couldn't help but sink onto his knees. It was as if he was loosing the ground under his feet. Wherever Brian was going, he was taking part of Nick with him.

–--

As he arrived at the airport he was exhausted. The road leading there had not been long and yet most of his energy had been drained from him through circumstances. Half of his journey Brian had been sobbing already. So he had decided to leave his band-mates behind, but he did not have any idea where his path would lead him. Where he was going nobody was waiting for him. Of course Brian had his parents in Kentucky, but he wasn't going there. He was heading to Georgia, where he lived alone in a much too big mansion. It was not the place he wanted to be right now, but it was were he was going. There had been a time, when he couldn't think of a more beautiful place to be. His home was where he had wanted to build a family of his own. All those big dreams he had, they were still present, but he realized now, that whenever he had dreamed them, they told a story about Nick being his partner. Nobody else had ever found a way to his heart, no man and most certainly not a woman. Secretly Brian had always known he was gay, but he had denied it for most of his life. He honestly did not have much time to think about it either. First there was school, then came Kevins call and when Brian joined the Backstreet Boys they all had worked so hard. Everything on their minds had been connected to their career in one way or the other. There was no room to think about sexuality. Even when he was on stage and the girls were screaming their names, it was all business. It was not until his heart problems slowed them down, that Brian did have enough time to think about it. By then he had already fallen for Nick, even if that was hard to accept in the beginning. It was still hard to accept now, especially after his feelings had lead him to leave his career behind. Part of him just wanted to turn around, run back to the band and apologize, but he forced himself not to think about that. 

His heart was aching, it was as if he had lost everything he ever cared about and it hit him hard. Brian knew, that he was feeling more depressed lately and at times when his mind was clear enough he noticed, that it was becoming a problem. In the days leading up to his departure he had found it increasingly hard to cheer himself up and he knew, that getting back to a home where he was all alone wouldn't really do him well. Being alone would make things worse, but at the same time he did not want to see anybody he knew. He didn't want to answer questions, not to his parents, not to his fans and most certainly not to journalists. So Georgia was the best idea for now. Would he stay there? Probably not, since dreams of Nick were painted on every furniture of that place, but for now it had to do. As Brian boarded the plane, part of him was already thinking about where to go to after he arrived.

\---

As the taxi drove into the driveway of his mansion Brian was exhausted. He had spent hours on that plane, half of it crying, the rest of it thinking. For a while he had hoped to get some sleep, but he was much too agitated still to calm himself down enough. It proved to be quite difficult to keep his mind away from thinking about the future. He had made the choice to leave the Backstreet Boys now, but he really did not know what to do next. What did a singer with a vocal illness do, after leaving his band behind? Certainly doing anything entertainment related was no option for him. And yet the thought of moving to Los Angeles the city of Angels kept popping up in his mind. What better place in the world was there to escape anything really? That was the plan after all, leaving everything behind, his career, his fame, most of all memories of his forbidden love, perhaps even depression. If he did not want to go under, he had to move on, find something else he could fill his life with. Maybe he could finally start trying to live. There were so many things he had denied himself all those years, now he wanted to get them. So while for now he entered his front door, he was already planning to move on. He couldn't stay here and that became even more evident, when the silence of this place gathered around him. Nobody else was in these halls, that were so large, filled with furniture, but still so empty. Once he had loved this place, now it made him feel small and useless. As he set his luggage down sadness came washing over him again. It was done, he had fled and now he was alone in halls much too big for one person alone. What had he done? Now he was standing here like a shadow, the hull of what he once used to be. He couldn't go back, he had made his choice and he had been so certain of it. He wasn't so certain anymore now. Being away from what had been like a second family for the last 20 years felt so weird. But as he had left them, with all that pure emotion and chaos, he had burned the bridges behind him, so it seemed. Nothing he would say or do now would be able to make things right again. For the first time in his life he was truly and fully on his own, alone with all his pain. Suddenly there it was again, the dark shadow, that had been inching closer and closer for so long. Now it had him in its grasp. There was nobody here to rescue him from its claws and he didn't feel strong enough to fight it. Depression was a vile beast and it overwhelmed him now, much stronger than usual. When it came it brought all his self-doubts and hatred for everything he was with it. Really, what was left of him, but a caricature of his former self? He couldn't sing, he was no Backstreet Boy anymore and now he was all alone wandering the halls of his mansion. 

As he reached his living room, he paused on his way, staring at the couch he had only bought a year ago. This was where he had wanted to sit with Nick, cuddle him when they played video games. He had denied having this thought, when he had first put it here, but there was no use in denying anymore. Everything here had been chosen with Nick in his mind. The television, where he wanted to watch movies with him, the stereo for which he had bought Nicks favorite music, even the basketball court next door, where he had wanted to play against him. It hurt so much now to look at it, when they weren't even friends anymore. When he looked around, everything seemed so tidy and in order, but in reality, his whole life was laying in pieces all around himself. Brian wasn't sure if he would ever be strong enough to pick them up, since an invisible force hold him in place. What he saw were webs of darkness. They were pulling him into their hold, their hug, so sweet and tempting. It was so easy to loose himself to those thoughts. They whistled a melody of things that had been, things that were and things that never would be. Such a devastating song that it threw him down onto the ground, onto his knees.

And then there were those thoughts again about all the things he had done wrong. Thoughts of self-hatred, that only had waited for their moment to consume him. How could he have been such a fool? At least he finally had gotten what he deserved. Nobody would ever love him again and he would be forever alone. Those thoughts were getting so vivid in his head that they nearly had faces. He had to do something. This was no good, he had to get out of this. "Stop!“, Brian threw his hands to the sides of his head. He already was kneeling on the ground but he made himself even smaller, when the thoughts suddenly gained voices. This was getting too much. When the voices started to morph into terrible laughter Brian grabbed his ears pressing onto them. "Go away!“, he shouted again and started to bob back and forth lightly. But his shadows did not do him the favor of leaving. They were after all figments of his memories mixed with his current thoughts. 'Coward, you're a coward, running away.', that voice sounded hauntingly similar to Nicks and it mirrored the words he had spoken. It had to stop. Brian didn't knew how he found the strength but finally he pushed himself up from the ground to achieve, what needed to be achieved. Two large steps and he was able to reach the curtains and pull them close, to give him back the safety of darkness, that he had sought out a lot recently. If only he had known how treacherous the darkness was. Darkness was nobody's friend, it could give you a cover, it could hide yourself and sometimes it could even give you comfort, but none of those things were given to Brian when he closed the curtains. 

As soon as the darkness started to cover the room, he felt how his thoughts became more intense. He saw pictures of the past, of all he had lost. He saw the smile Nick had given, when 'We've Got It Going On', became a hit. Then he saw Nick when they reunited for the Never Gone Album. Finally he saw the day when they had played video games a few days ago. But when all that faded he saw different pictures, that started to get colour and shape. He remembered how after his heart surgery, he had awoken in his hospital room all alone, no sign of his friends. Then he remembered, that Nick had called him a coward, with anger in his eyes, like he had never seen in them before. Finally he also remembered once again, how much of a coward he was.  
'You're alone...', the voices whispered into his ear and it felt like they were breaking him. What broke him, was the fact, that they were right. Nobody was here and nobody would come. He was alone and his only friend was the darkness, that covered him like a blanket. 

Suddenly there was silence again, so loud it was deafening. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he wasn't even sure if he could still feel or smell. He felt as if he was sitting in a gap, between reality and the world his shadows had created for him. A safe haven to recover from the exhaustion he came from and the exhaustion that lay ahead. Nobody would find him here, since nobody was looking for him. This void made him feel so empty. Why should he strife on? Why was he not just ending it, right here and right now?   
He knew the answer and it was bittersweet, since it was the same reason, that made Nick angry with him: "I'm a coward.", he whispered to himself. Just as he had spoken those two words his dark thoughts came back to him 'They never really loved you anyway, none of them. Why would anybody ever love you?' It was a good question, what was there to like about him? The things he had liked about himself were all gone. Maybe those thoughts were true. Maybe he was just looking at his life through the broken mirror in front of his eyes. If that was the case, then it would be his task to look through the shards, to find the path, he had to walk. 

"Maybe it's true. Nobody does love me.“, he whispered as an answer. Thinking about it, he wasn't sure if he had ever really been loved by anyone. He never even had loved himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the rewrite done. Next up, finally a new chapter :)


	7. Masks of Agony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian looses himself to Drugs and in the hands of a cruel man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Rape

_3 months later:_

Loud music, strobe lightning, bodies covered in sweat from quick dancing. This place was different to anything he had known until recently. Sure he had been to clubs before, but never alone and never long enough to feel this kind of energy. When he came here it had been out of desperation. Brian had felt lost, unable to feel anything but emptiness and he had been looking for something to fill the void. He had found it here in Santa Monica, when he stepped through the gates leading to Unity-Club for the first time. Those doors had opened up a whole new world for him. A world that gave him the chance to forget his worries. Of course he had to make sure, that nobody recognized him, so he could have his peace, but that proved to be much easier, than he had first expected. He pretty much had stayed unrecognized, by wearing a hoodie and staying away from most people. This also gave him the opportunity to stay silent. If he didn't approach anybody, he would not need to talk and if he didn't talk he would not need to use his broken voice. The techno beats that were echoing through this chambers were too loud to invite a conversation at any proper volume anyhow. So instead of talking, he allowed the music to carry him through the halls and through crowds of people. None of them really saw him or knew what was going on with him. Nobody saw, that he was on the path down to his own destruction.

That was the problem really. While originally his intention in going out had been to fight depression, he had lost his path somewhat along the way. At first it had started with a glass of vodka every night before he went out. He had needed that little bit of extra courage, the clear liquid was so good at giving him. Brian had never been the guy to go out and party, that had always been Nick or AJs part, so he needed some extra push. Before he had really thought about it, that glass every night had become a habit. Soon one glass wasn't even enough anymore and he started to empty half a bottle of that stuff, before he even came to the Club. In there it was not like he stopped drinking either. His nights became increasingly blurry memories in these months. He remembered dancing, he remembered drinking and he remembered throwing up once or twice, but there were no details to the pictures he saw. While with every morning headache he was aware, that this was no good behavior, he still threw himself back into this world whenever the sun set in the west. What did it matter anyway? Nobody was waiting for him, nobody was needing him sober. He had given up taking care of his life it was not worth to be preserved. He could as well lead it down a path, that lead to quick destruction. Perhaps that was the goal, perhaps he wanted to destroy himself, punish himself for the things he had said and done. He was already on a good path towards that goal.

And then one night he had met the owner of the club. The night had been no different, than the nights before. It had been close to midnight and he couldn't stand straight anymore, so he was swaying to the rhythm of the music, somewhere close to the back entrance of the club. That is where he found him. The clubs owner had seen Brian here before and he had recognized who he was many days earlier. _"A Backstreet Boy in my club?"_ , he still remembered the words directed at him that night, because they had annoyed him. The only reason he had hold back on shouting at that guy, had been the fact, that he seemed to be the owner of this place. It was no good to start a fight with the parties host. Besides, the man had only smiled, seemingly friendly as he had gestured him to follow and after a moment of hesitation Brian did, walking with him through a corridor and up some stairs. 

The place he had lead him to was designed as a private area. There was no strobe lighting here and the bass of the music downstairs was subdued by thick walls. In the middle of the room he had noticed a bar with a huge assortment of all kinds of drinks and around the walls of the room there were several private chambers, closed off with metal doors. It was one of those chambers the man lead him into. The room was small but big enough to house a few couches on the outer walls and a movable dancing pole in its center. The man had gestured for Brian to sit down and after he did, he raised his voice again: _"My name is Peter, Unity is mine."_ , he began to speak and put on a smile, _"I have seen you come here over those last weeks."_ , he gave a soft chuckle, "Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys dancing in my club. Mh, I guess that's an honor!" Those words, they had been spoken gently and yet they made Brian huff. He didn't like to be reminded who he was, because he didn't want to be that person anymore. Still he hold back on saying anything. _"So, I guess I have a gift for you."_ , Peter spoke and that's when he pulled it out: a package filled with white powder.

That was coke, Brian didn't even need to ask to know it. He had seen it before, that drug was quite the welcome guest at some celebrity parties. Of course he had never taken it himself, so getting it offered like that felt weird. And yet taking this was only the logical conclusion to the path he had already started to walk. He already was feeling dizzy from all the alcohol he drank, so what difference did it make if he took something else? Certainly, a part of him knew it was a shitty idea to accept it, but the part of him that was out to destroy himself had become so loud, that he simply couldn't resist it. 

That was the night when he first did coke and as he did Peter left him alone with the on-setting high. Cocaine was a drug that pushed your body to work at full capacity. It stimulated your nerves and made you wide awake. As Brian took it for the first time snorting it up his nose it didn't take long til he felt its power. A force that brought him back to the dancing floor downstairs. For hours and hours he danced feeling as alive as he never had before. Forgotten were all his worries about Nick, forgotten were the dark thoughts and the voices, that tortured him when he was alone. All that was left on his mind was the wish to celebrate life and so he did.

_another 3 months later:_

Summer had come and gone, leaving the once green world in autumns hands. November had finally arrived and brought Nick the chance to return home and get away from touring for a while. The 'In A World Like This' tour had started as planned in May and they had already finished two Asian and one North American leg. Things had been weird. Without Brian on stage everything felt so different. The problem was not only dividing up his parts, but also the fact, that everybody missed him. Every evening when they had gone on stage, they inevitably thought of him. Their songs just didn't sound the same without him and their choreography lacked the joyful spirit Brian brought to it. Sometimes it felt to Nick like he was dancing and singing with B-Roks ghost, so very palpable was his presence all around them. And thus it was not surprising, that every time before they went on stage, when they had said their prayer, they had included him in it as well. But even though they were holding onto that presence of their former band-mate, it still wasn't the same. The fans felt it too, some even got pretty vocal with it on social media. Most of them weren't really happy with Brian being gone and the few that were had hated him to begin with. Quite annoying was the speculation going on. Management had released a statement, that said Brian had left because of personal reasons. They didn't want to go into the details, because that was a story for Brian to tell, which he didn't do. That however lead to rumors being thrown around. Some fans were writing their assumptions down. There were several reports on fan-sites talking about Bri having been thrown out of the band for his bad vocal performance. Ever since Nick had read that, he had avoided going online altogether. It was quite tiring to read these kind of things, when it was exactly the opposite of what they had wanted. Especially since some fans became so outraged about it, that they blamed him or Kevin or whoever else they felt like blaming on that particular day. With that reaction online neither of them had been surprised, that their concerts weren't nearly as well-visited as they had expected. Some of the fans that came even booed when Brians parts came up and one of the others sang them. Of course the majority of their fans was very supportive, but the vocal minority lead to the tour being quite a bit more exhausting than it could have been with Brian on board.

So when they finally had a little time off in November Nick wanted to use it for two things. The first was spending time on his hobbies and the second was trying to reach out to Bri. While the first was an easy task, the second proved to be a lot more difficult. Ever since Brian had left the band Nick had been unable to reach him. In the first few weeks he had been so angry, he had not even wanted to try calling him and when he finally did call in Georgia the line was dead. Of course the next thing he had done was trying to reach his mobile number, with a similar result. Brian did read his texts, he could see that, but he did not respond. Immediately he felt put back to the time before the 'Never Gone' Album, when B-Rok had ignored him the first time. This time he at least knew why he did it, that did not make it feel any better though. When Brian did not reply to him, Nick had reached out to Kevin in hopes, that he at least had some contact to his cousin, but surprisingly he had not heard a word of him either. It was as if he had cut them out of his life completely and that was a thought that weighed pretty heavily on him. How could Brian just simply forget about them? He wondered what was going on in his head. 

Nick would have probably given up on him, had it not been for a stroke of fate, that hit him with the November 7th issue of the LA Gatherer a local tabloid. Usually Nick only skimmed through the pages, but this time the paper caught his attention, when he saw a picture of somebody he only barely recognized. Had it not been for that characteristic jawline of his, he probably would not have looked twice. This was Brian for sure, but Nick did feel a jab in his heart as he saw him. It was not easy to see him after the last words they had exchanged, but even worse was seeing him like this. This was really bad. What he saw on the picture frightened him immensely. The last time Nick had seen Brian he looked sad, but at least he looked healthy, what he saw now was a man that was only the ghost of his former self. He was so frail on that image, skin and bones and very pale. Gently Nick caressed that face on the paper. What had happened to him? Why was he so thin? Where was he? A frown appeared on Nicks face as he found the answer on the picture, where a big Neon sign above Brians head read 'Unity'. He knew that place, it was a club in Santa Monica. Not that he had ever been there, but he had heard about it. Nothing good sadly. As Nick was trying to find out more he looked at the headline: 'Exclusive: What is wrong with Brian Littrell?'. Now that did not help much, since that was the same question he was wondering himself. Even looking further into the report didn't help much. It said, that Brian had been seen around Los Angeles' party scene recently and that he lost a lot of weight. The rest was only speculation. The Unity sign however was a big hint. If Brian was spending his nights there, he had to go find him. That place was known for all kinds of weird stories. Most of them circled around drugs and prostitution. Nick prayed to god, that Brian had nothing to do with either of those. Man, this felt so far off from everything he had expected. He needed to do something.

\---

Peter had Brian exactly where he wanted him to be. Fortuna must have been smiling down on him when he sent this man to his club for the first time. He immediately had seen how lost that washed-up celebrity was, perfectly ready to be manipulated. It was not the first time he had seen men and women like him. People who had lost their way could be used so very easily. But this was the very first time he had found someone so lost, that was a celebrity. It was an opportunity he needed to use for his profit. Unsurprisingly it had been very easy to get him hooked on coke. The way Brian had given himself to alcohol before made it evident what path he was going down. Peter only needed to give him a little push so that he would fall even quicker. It had almost been too easy to make him take it. But he didn't complain, because as soon as he took the drug, Peter knew he had him in his hands. 

Not only was he the one to give Brian drugs and the one he had to go to if he wanted more, no he also had cameras around the place, that filmed his antics. That gave him enough leverage over the man and he intended using it. For a while he just watched as the former Backstreet Boy kept coming back for more and more coke. Then as he felt certain enough, that B-Rok was completely dependent on that substance he started with the demands. Peter was a man, that had a hand in all kinds of businesses. Unity was his base of operation and it was where he invited his most wealthy clients, with the most distinguished tastes. That Backstreet Boy he was using might have been rich, but he didn't compare to the men and women he did his real business with. Just like the coke had been a gift to Brian, he would be a gift to them. _"If you want more, you need to work for it!"_ , he was still amused when he was reminded of the shocked expression the man had given him, when he first made demands. These were the kind of things that gave him joy. Playing with people like that, it was something he loved. "I want you to dance for some friends of mine. Let them touch you and stuff.", he had been pretty straight to the point. Of course Brian had denied his request at first, rather adamantly so, but that was where he mentioned the videos _"If you don't do it I am going to sell you out to the press. What would that mean for your former band? How would that make them look?"_ , he had gotten to known the former singer well enough to know, that the way to get him was through his friends, so he used that card well. It had been a glorious sight to see him hurt and defeated by his words. Yes, he had him on a leash and on that night he presented him.

\---

Brian blamed himself. He hated himself for getting addicted to drugs and for giving Peter the chance to control him like that. Now he was lost, depending on the whim of another. If he didn't do what he said, he would destroy the Backstreet Boys. He could not allow that, he had to prevent it. And so he had done what Peter demanded. Nauseating thoughts came to his mind as he remembered the first night he had whored him out. That night Peter had brought him into one of the chambers in the private area. People had waited there for him, a whole group of them four men and two women. Bri didn't know who they were. They were dressed in fine clothes and they wore masks in all kinds of shapes: some in the shape of animal heads, others more classical Venetian. When he had stepped into that room, they had all stared him down with the empty expressions of those masks. The way they were looking at him had made his whole body shudder. Of course he had been drunk out of his mind, but instead of swaying he froze, when the man wearing the lion-mask came closer. Whoever it was, that man was at least twice his size and he seemed pretty buff. Brian was by no means weak, but that man was something else. It had been quite intimidating when he had leaned over him, Bri could still smell the bitter scent of the perfume he had been wearing. Thinking about it made him feel sick. As Peter had left him in that room, the man in the lion-mask had been the first to touch him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, before ripping it open in one forceful motion. His whole body had twitched as his chest was revealed like that to the guests in the room. Before he had been able to do anything in protest, the man had grabbed him by his wrist, pulling him close then twirling him around. "Stop it!", he heard his words echoing in his mind and felt the pain of his arm being twisted in response all over again. Whoever these people were, they did not seem to care for his suffering. Quite the opposite, while he was groaning up in pain it seemed to Brian as if the people observing seemed to be quite amused. _"Shh, you're our toy tonight. Be nice."_ , he could remember the dripping words spoken in a deep voice into his ear. They had a thick accent to it, but he couldn't quite place where it originated. He didn't have the time to think about it either, since the man attempted to push him to the ground. That had been too much. When he realized what this was about, he had started to struggle, he even managed to get himself free. But his hopes of escaping were smashed, when he stumbled towards the door only to find it locked. His observers chuckled and one of the women raised her voice mockingly: "There's no use in running singer boy. As he said, you are our toy.", those words they rang into his ear and traveled through his muscles and bones. She was right, there was no escape. The sudden realization of that fact brought him to his knees and as the man in the lion mask caught up to him, he had an easy time to press him onto the ground, face upwards. _"Good Boy..."_ , he had whispered while caressing his cheeks, making his whole body shiver again. The situation had seemed so hopeless and yet Brian had not given up to fight yet. So as the man was laying over him like that he had kicked at him, with all the force he had left. A groan coming from the taller mans throat told him that he had succeeded in causing at least a little bit of damage, but it was not enough to make him move. Instead it had caused one of the other men to come closer. This one was wearing a mask in the shape of a wolfs head and as he was close enough he kicked Brian in the side. The pain that shot through his body was enough to paralyze him for long enough, that the lion man took control again. _"You little prick!"_ , and suddenly he pulled a knife from his pocket. A second later said knife was on his throat: _"I see you and me are going to have some fun tonight."_ , the words were spoken sharp and angry and Brian still struggling with the pain of being kicked could do nothing as the man turned him around onto his belly. Another motion later and he had pulled down Brians pants. "No, stop! Please, somebody help me!", Bri cried out, but there was nobody here to answer his pleas for help. Anybody who was in this room was enjoying seeing him like this. The man in the lion mask had control over him and soon he dropped his pants as well. He heard the crowd chuckle, as a hard and large cock was closing in on him. Then he entered, not carefully or with preparation, just with sheer force and it hurt so much. He felt the pain, it started at his back, but it soon filled him up. With every forceful thrust he felt that pain again and with it he felt as if another piece of him was broken apart. _"Stop..."_ , he gave out one last pleading cry, but as his voice broke all the lion man did in respond was thrusting even harder. As it went on Brian felt tears stating to run down his cheeks, while pain and agony were mixing up in his mind. He wanted to flee this place, but physically he was trapped, so all he could do is try to dream himself away. When he closed his eyes as his soul was being ripped apart like this, he dreamed of Nick again. Oh, if only he could have been with him now. If only Frack was here to keep him save. But he was not and yet all he could do to keep his strength, was thinking of him. 

The guests had no mercy with him. Even as the lion man was done for that night, he knew that they would be back. This was his fate now, he had taken the wrong turn and trusted the wrong people. Now he was trapped in Peters House of Horrors. There was nothing he could do to escape it. Even if he wasn't physically locked up in the club at night, he had to come back every day. If he didn't do what Peter wanted, he would have brought down the Backstreet Boys. After all he had done to them already, he couldn't let that happen. So over the months Brian kept coming back and Peters guests took everything that was left of him. With every person that touched him, used him and abused him another part of him died until nothing was left. And every night, after they used him, they left him with his prize: coke to wash the problems away. That drug was his treacherous friend. It had lead him down this part to begin with, but also promised a sweet escape from this hell. So he snorted each line as quick as he could. He was trying everything he could to escape reality and if coke wasn't enough, he took whatever else they offered him: alcohol, E, Ketamine, Speed. With all the stuff he took it was a wonder, that he didn't die from it. Of course everything that happened left traces on his body. The months went by and he lost weight, strength and the colour to his face. He hardly could recognize himself anymore when he looked in the mirror. But even though Bri looked like a corpse, it did not scare him. It was a welcome sight. All that suffering he was going through: one look in the mirror told him, that it would all be over soon. The final solution was edging closer. Soon he would be gone and with his last breath, he would be able to let go of all of his suffering.


	8. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick comes to Unity Club to look for Brian.

The scent of this place was quite typical for a club as the smell of brimstone created by the fog machines mixed up with sweat of thousands of bodies dancing the night away. Overlaying all that was the scent of perfume, probably coming from the air-ducts to cover the more unpleasant odors. As Nick entered those halls, that was the first thing he noticed, even before he became aware of the strobe lighting or the techno music. It all seemed so familiar, reminding him of days long gone by, when he had spent every night in one club or the other. Times were different now, because his reason for being here was not to celebrate, but to find his friend. Even before he stepped into the room with the huge dance-floor he had known that would not be an easy task. This place despite or maybe just cause of it's reputation was really popular. Everybody, who loved the kind of music that played here or who just enjoyed partying, wanted to come to Santa Monica just to see it. If you came here and didn't see Unity, you missed something. However despite that popularity Nick was here for the first time. Still it was not so complicated to get an overview of the club. There was only one floor open to the public. Of course that floor was quite large and there were bars on both ends of the hall. Somewhat behind said bars on both sides were small doors. On the right side yellowish light signaled the way to the toilets, while on the left side a black door was closing off what lay behind it. Judging by the architecture of the place, Nick assumed that was the doorway leading towards the upper floors. Right now it was closed though and that made his endeavor to find Brian a little bit easier. Now he only had to examine one floor and that was still hard enough. 

While the structure of the room was pretty simple the fact, that it was filled to bursting-point with people did not make it easy to spot anyone in particular. Bodies of sweaty dancers were combined into one pulsating mass. Additionally the strobe lighting and the artificial fog overlaying everything made it hard to make out any faces. Nick had to sigh as he realized that finding Brian would prove to be harder than expected. Still, there was no way he would simply give up. So as the pulsating bass of the music started to flow into the melodic refrain Nick pushed his way into the crowd. At least nobody would notice him for who he was here, hidden in-between all those dancers. Now he just needed to make out Brian.

\---

Today they had given him Special K or Kate how Brian preferred to call it. Recently he had been happier with that anyway. Coke had always made him hyper, but with how much weight he had lost, dancing all night had become rather taxing. Ketamine felt much easier to handle, even though that probably was just an illusion. After all that stuff was an anesthetic albeit one that wasn't used as much anymore. The reason doctors avoided using it if they could were the hallucinations, which in turn for Brian were an integral part of what made the drug attractive. Giving himself to that he had a way to escape the horrors of reality. The K-Hole as they called it was a much nicer place than Unity and yet like with any hallucinogenic drug there was always the danger of getting stuck on psychosis. It probably was not a great idea to take that risk, particulary since he already was in a bad mental state, but the chance of Kate helping him to escape his suffering was so high, that he couldn't let it pass. 

That was what had lead him to the facilities of this place. It was where everybody else took their drugs, too. The men's toilet was a room that housed four stalls and four pissoirs. On the far end of the room were two washing basins and a small mirror. Once there had been a second mirror as well, but that one had been broken a week ago, when two of his junkie colleagues had gotten into a fight. Brian usually tried to stay away from fighting, but that meant he had to be extremely careful and guarded. Luckily for him the room seemed to be rather empty today. Only Jimmy was there, wearing his usual yellow shirt. Not that Brian had talked to him much, but when you spent so much time laying on the ground next to someone you got to know them. Last time when Bri had been enjoying Valium he had been able to listen to that guys telephone conversation with his girlfriend. Not that he remembered the details, but he knew they had shouted at each other. That is where he had heard his name for the first time. It was kind of odd, they never talked and yet he felt close to that man in the yellow shirt, with the dark messy hair and the pale complexion. They shared the fate of being addicts, nobody who was not like them could understand their world. At the same time he knew, that junkies were no material for friends, since they always fought over drugs. Right now however Jimmy was on a trip. Bri did not know what he took, judging by his state it probably was some kind of narcotic, perhaps he was dancing with Kate as well. That or heroine, the worst of the bunch and the only drug Brian had been too afraid to use yet. 

Curiously Brian checked the man out looking for an answer to his question. No, it probably wasn't 'H', there was no syringe to be seen anywhere. Of course you could still snort 'H', but who did that? Carefully he stepped closer and moved his right hand to wave it in front of Jimmys eyes. Just another way to make sure, he was out and Brian was save to consume his own package of Kate. When there was no reaction a sigh of relieve escaped his throat and Brian pulled the little plastic bag out from his pocket as he made his way to the washing basin. This was most certainly not the cleanest spot to take drugs, but he did not care about that much. What he cared for is that the porcelain was dry, so he used one sleeve of his over-sized sweater to wipe the basin. Feeling the wetness gathering on the cloth was kind of disgusting, but it was much less disgusting, than snorting that water up together with the powder. Snorting was after all what was going to happen next. One trained rip later the plastic bag was open and Brian proceeded to put it onto the white sink. Trained hands got out his credit card to make a nice line, then the card was changed for a dollar note, that he had rolled up before. Finally he leaned over his escape ticket using the note, snorting it up. It was done. The drug was in his body now. Snorting it like that he knew that he had about two minutes to make himself comfy before the drug would kick in. He had done it before and he knew the restrooms. Next to Jimmy was kind of his usual spot. Not that he had an exact spot, but here somewhere under the sink was where he usually had his trips. There was no reason to be picky now. So he just let himself sink down on the wall putting his back up against it. The dizziness was already coming over his mind when his bottom hit the ground. K-Hole was approaching.

Now this was good stuff, he noticed immediately as the drug started to work. He felt his eyes getting heavy, but the dosage was low enough that he wasn't falling asleep right away. Of course higher dosages had their niceties too, the out of body experiences were quite something, but they could be scary, so he preferred his Kate gentle. It was caressing him as the walls around him felt like they were moving away from him. The bass of the techno music, that was echoing past the stalls into his ears was warping as well. While it had been numb before now it became even more distant and somehow it seemed like it was becoming slower as well. Kate was such a curious lady to be able to warp time like that and what an artist she was. After the music got slower Brian saw colors spreading right in front of his nose. Like millions of tiny flowers that started to bloom first yellow, then pink, then red and yellow again. It was so beautiful and he felt so calm, he just loved the K-Hole. If he could have, he would have stayed here forever with those flowers, but Kate sang him a lullaby and as his eyes fell close the flowers were gone and left was only the music.

Badum! Badum! Badum! Was that his heart or the beat of the music? It was vibrating so strongly, he felt it in his whole body. Badum! Badum! And it grew louder, while he felt so small. Perhaps Kate had been stronger than he thought? Was she taking him to different places? 

Suddenly there was a silhouette. It was strange, that he could see it with the darkness all around him and yet there it was moving closer and then it had him by the wrist. What a strange dream and yet, was it? In A Flash there was light again as that silhouette pulled him up to a stand with one hand, while putting the other hand on his waist. So this was real? Brians eyes were open again and yet he didn't know if they really were or if he was still dreaming. It must have been a dream, because there he was again his Frack. He was so close, right in front of his face, and even though it was just a dream, Brian reached out his hand to touch that face. Odd, he felt something with his hand. The illusion was not vanishing. It had never stayed before.

\---

Nick was in shock. He finally had found B-Rok, but it was so bad, worse than what he had imagined. When he had seen the picture he already had been aware, that Brian was not doing well. He had looked so frail, but now he had found him sleeping on the floor of a dirty bathroom. Hopefully he was just sleeping. Nicks stomach had been aching with fear as he had reached for Bris wrist. Then he had felt even more devastated, because it felt like he was touching a skeleton. Lifting him up from the ground had been so easy, he was as light as a feather. Of course his friend had always been small, but he had been quite the athlete with a sturdy frame in the recent years. Now he was so light, lighter even than he had been shortly before his surgery in '98. 

Finally he opened his eyes, but what Nick saw was not good. Those eyes, oh he knew those blue eyes so well, but he also knew the look they had. The way the pupils were all wide, big like dimes. Brian was taking drugs. His Frick was taking drugs. When the smaller man touched his face Nick nearly started to cry seeing how confused he was. But he couldn't do that now, he had to be strong, he had to take care of this. This was so much worse, than the voice problems. Before he did anything though all he did was to pull Brian into a hug, a long and warm hug. "I'm here now Bri. I'm here.", he spoke and nuzzled his head against his friends neck just for a second. "Let's get you out of here.", and before the other man could respond or even grasp the situation he put his arm under his shoulder and started to lead him along, out of the club.

\---

When the realization hit Brian, that this wasn't a dream, they had already made it way past the entrance. The music was still audible, but the club was two street corners away. Nick was still holding him up, which was really needed, since Kate made it hard for him to stand on his own. It was still hard for him to understand, that all he was experiencing right now was real. He would have never imagined to see any of the Boys again. How had Nick found him and why did he come? The more he grasped of reality, the less comfy he felt. While his friend was just holding him upright to stand, he still felt dirty. After all that had been done to him, he did not like to be touched anymore. Not by anybody, not even the person he still loved. Too many memories of unwanted hands touching his body came to his mind. As all of that hit him, he finally came enough to his senses to pull himself away from Nick, leaving him staring at Bri surprised: "No!", was all he managed to say before his memories mixed with Special K made him bend over. The lion mask flashed quite vividly up in his mind and he felt what that man did to him all over again. He felt so disgusted about it and about himself, that he could not hold back on vomiting. 

Nick had expected Brian to vomit, but he was surprised how it happened. The way he pulled back from him, it felt as if he had been hurting him. Confusion lay on his face as he looked at the smaller man who just had emptied the contents of his stomach onto the ground. He was about to step closer when Brian turned around and looked at him as straight as he could in his current condition: "You have to go.", Nick shook his head, "No, I won't. Not without you.", he was determined to get Brian to a better place. Never would he allow him to leave again, not after he had failed him the last time. "Please Nick, you have to understand. It's better that way. Please!", Brian was pleading with him. What was he talking about? "Nonsense!", Nick shook his head and made a step towards Brian. He wanted to take him by the wrist again, but as he came closer his friend stepped back. Why did he see fear in those eyes? What had happened to him? "Hey! It's me... look stupid old Nicky! I won't hurt you.", he kept standing where he was, even though he would have preferred to take Brian by the wrist and drag him along, but it was obvious, that his friend was scared of something. As he stayed silent Nick spoke on: "Whatever you do, I won't allow you to go back there. So if you don't want me to call an ambulance and make drama, you better come along." Those words seemed to have an effect as Brian seemed to be confused now: "Ambulance?", Nick nodded, "Yes, my friend looks like a skeleton and is on drugs, so yes an ambulance."

Of course Nick had seen, what was up with him. He had always known everything about him and the drugs, they were obvious even for people who did not know Brian. It was so very obvious to see, that he was a junkie, he had all the tell-tale signs. Still he was surprised, when Nick used that argument to get him to come along. It left him in quite the predicament. If he did not go along Nick would call the ambulance, possibly causing a scene and doing bad PR for the Backstreet Boys. If he came along, Peter might release information to the press and the same thing would happen. So whatever he did it probably would end badly. For a second he tried to think about another way, but finally after realizing he was not even able to think clearly he sighed: "Alright, I will come with you.", he looked up to Nick but didn't move any closer, he was still too afraid to be touched. Even though he agreed to come along, he did not know if it had been the right choice. He hoped it was.

Those eyes, they had been sad for so long, but they had always been filled with something. What Nick saw now was a huge and blue ocean, but it was empty, so empty. What he saw in Brians eyes it hurt him, scared him and made him feel worried. Unity had a bad reputation, but he had not believed in those rumors until he had found his friend in this state. Now he was worried about all the things that might have happened to him. He shook his head as if to push all those worries away. That simply could not have been the truth. And yet, when he looked at Brian and those eyes, the worries came back. Whatever had happened, Brian was traumatized, he could see that, so he had to be very careful with him. At least he had agreed to come along, so he gestured him to follow, before starting to walk: "Come then Bri, let's get to a nicer place, okay?", he spoke as gently as he could, but he knew the sadness in his voice was audible. The smaller man responded with a simple nod and started to walk along. As much as he would have loved to hug Brian again, he felt at the moment it was better not to. Now the main goal was to get him to a safer place.


	9. To Keep Him Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick brings Brian to his home.

Somehow he had to get Brian home to his place and that was no easy task to accomplish. Whatever the smaller man had taken, it made him drowsy. As a result nearly immediately after sitting down in the car Bri had been lights out again. Nick had already been worried, but as his friends eyes fell close, he became even more alarmed. Only the fact that Brian was still breathing normally, kept him from calling the ambulance right away. That did not mean, he would not call for medical help. In fact he had planned to contact his own doctor, who he trusted to be discreet, as soon as he had gotten Bri to his place. Someone had to look him over. It was obvious that he was sick, but Nick didn't have enough medical expertise to know how sick exactly. As he bend over his friend to fasten his seat-belt he was careful to be gentle. While he wasn't completely sure how to feel about Brian being lights out like that, right now it at least made things easier. That way, he wouldn't scurry away from him again. Another thing that was weighing heavily on him. He couldn't remember any other time he had seen Brian as frightened as tonight. Anger was flaming up in his heart at whoever had managed to make him that afraid. Terrible things must have happened to him if things had gone so dire in only half a year.

The drive home gave Nick time enough to try and get some order into his thoughts and that was truly needed. Things had changed so drastically for the worse and he partly blamed himself for it. As he started his car, he thought about the way they had parted all the way back in May. In those six months since then Nick had thought about it a lot, but despite that he had not worked everything out. The memory of the way Brian had kind of declared his love to him still made him sigh. Since then he did have enough time to think about how that made him feel, but it was difficult. There had been a time as they were younger, when Nick had most certainly felt the same, he had realized that, but since then so many things had happened. When Brian had stopped talking to him the first time it had broken his heart. It had been left in pieces and even though he had been able to gather some of them back up, putting his heart back together was no easy task. With a broken heart it was hard to understand what he felt. There certainly was some kind of emotion, whenever he thought of Brian. He did not know if that was still the love his younger self had felt for Bri or not, but he did feel something. It was some kind of attachment, that he felt for B-Rok and that was different to the attachment he felt to his other band-mates. Brian still was special to him. That was also the reason, why he felt it was his responsibility to take care of him. They always looked out for each other and when he had seen the picture in that tabloid, he immediately had felt the need to protect him and make sure he was safe. So perhaps he did still love him, but part of him still wasn't sure. He only knew that seeing Brian in that state on the picture had hurt him so much.  
Right now it did not matter whether or not he loved him anyway. With Brian as thin as he was and addicted to drugs their feelings for each other weren't top priority. Before they could talk about their emotions, the smaller man had to get better. Judging by how emaciated Bri looked, that would take some time. 

He was still out of it as they reached Nicks mansion. The plan had been to get him to walk along, but like this Nick wasn't sure if he could wake him up. So after a moment of hesitation, he decided just to carry his friend. Sadly with how thin he was, that probably was no problem anymore. What he did not expect was for Brian to stir as he bend over him to open his seat-belt. "No touch...", those words, Brian mumbled them while his eyes were still closed. They were barely audible and Nick needed a moment to understand them. His drugged friend was not really wide awake when he spoke them. Even as Brian opened his eyes shortly after speaking them, he did not seem like he was fully there yet. So Nick shook his head: "Dude, I need to get you inside. I have to touch you to do that. Or do you feel like you can stand on your own?", he at least had to offer him another way, since it felt wrong not to do it. Unsurprisingly that was exactly what Bri attempted to do next. He had to respect, that he was at least trying, but after just barely managing to stand up on his own he was swaying and clinging on the cars door as if his life depended on it. Nick sighed "Bri, that won't work, you will hurt yourself. Let me hold you! I promise I won't hurt you!", the fact that he even had to say that made him sad. 

-

Brian hesitated. He knew that Nick only wanted to take care of him, but to be touched by him felt wrong. All those men and women that had touched him over the last weeks and months had only ever hurt him. While he was aware, that Nick wouldn't do the same, he didn't want to remember what they did, only because of feeling his friends hand on his body. He did not want to connect bad memories with a good person like Nick was. It still was true though, that right now he could not walk on his own, so there was no other choice: "I... You can touch me. But...", and then he reached out for Nicks hand. If he had to touch him Brian at least wanted to be the one to decide where and his friend allowed him to take that control. Strange, feeling the others hand like this would have made him so happy only half a year ago, now it stressed him out. Gently he pulled Nicks arm around his back putting the hand he was holding to a place under his arm, where it would have a good hold of him. Then he looked back up to Nick: "Alright, let's go.", he was ready and Frack did not wait any longer to lead him along. 

As they made the first steps Bri looked around to make out where they were. While he had not been here before he recognized the place from pictures Nick had shown him a while back. This was his L.A. mansion, located somewhere in the Hollywood Hills if he remembered correctly, probably in a gated community. Perhaps he would be safe here, at least for a night or two, but he knew he would eventually need to get back to the club. "So... what did you take?", he was pulled from his thoughts when Nick broke the silence as they approached the huge entrance door to this place. There it was the conversation about his drug intake. "Ketamine. Tonight.", he kept it short, there were no further words needed and he also didn't like to talk about it in length, because he felt embarassed for it. While the drugs were his escape from reality, he was very well aware, that taking them was wrong. Nick did not seem satisfied with his answer though, because after he had unlocked the door and led him in he spoke again: "Tonight? What do you mean with Tonight?", so the taller blonde was skeptical. Brian huffed, what did he want to hear? "Yes, tonight. I also take coke, Ecstasy, sometimes LSD, I also tried Speed once. Never did H or Meth though.", now he had spelled it out, there was no use hiding it anyway, but it left his friend in shock as was evident by his wide-eyed expression. Brian couldn't help but to sink his head, he was ashamed as he raised his voice again: "Yeah, I know." Nick sighed at his words and lead him on towards one of the guest rooms, before he continued the conversation: "But why Bri?", that question was harder to answer and Brian wasn't sure he could explain it right now. 

How did you explain to somebody that you wanted to destroy yourself? That it started with alcohol and coke and got worse when tragedy happened? Tragedy. He didn't even want to think about the word describing what really happened to him. Speaking it out would have even been worse, it would have made it true. So he kept his mouth shut, which did not went unnoticed by Nick: "I'm worried about you.", as if he had needed to explain why he had asked the question. Brian was very well aware, that Nick worried about him, there had been no need for him to speak it out, but if he was true to himself it kind of felt good to have someone care about you. 

As they entered the guest room Nick immediately sat him down on the bed. The room was rather large for its purpose and for Brians taste it was kind of empty as well. There was a huge mirror on one of the walls and a dresser underneath it. The furniture were white just as the walls and the carpet. Here and there were some golden applications to make everything look a little bit more fancy. All of it seemed kind of tacky, but it fit Nicks taste. Brian sat on the bed in the center of the room, but he took notice of an open door behind him, which lead into a bathroom. So this was where he would be staying for the night. 

"I'm really worried about you.", Nick repeated what he had said before and it was only then that Brian noticed, that he still had not responded. "I'm sorry.", he tilted his head to face the carpet. It was still hard to find the proper words to say, so his answer once again was rather short. When he noticed that he possibly was being rude like that he spoke again though: "But thank you.", as if those few words made a whole lot of a difference. Nick shook his head: "You don't have to thank me. I just wished I knew what was going on in that head of yours.", he sighed, "Anyway I'm going to get a doctor to have a look at you." Now it was Brians turn to widen his eyes. If he got a doctor everything might come out. "No Nick! No doctors, we can't tell anyone!", Nick frowned at that response, "Brian! Have you looked at yourself? You look like deaths skinnier brother and you are on drugs. I can't have you laying around in my guest room and then die on me." As sharp as those words were, they hit a spot in Brians heart that hurt, because he was speaking the truth: "I won't die I promise, but a doctor... What if he tells the press?"

-

He could not believe what he was hearing. There was Brian sitting there as gaunt as he was with issues far beyond Nicks comprehension and all he was worried about was the press. "Fuck the press. Man, I couldn't give any less about what some crappy reporter writes right now. This is about YOU and your health. That's endlessly more important than reputation.", those words were spoken in agitation and probably a bit louder, than he had meant to be. As Brian twitched at the noise Nick regretted the volume he used right away, but not what he had said. "I'll call the doctor, he will look you over and then you will sleep. Tomorrow we will talk about everything else. I'm sorry if that is not what you want, but you have to trust me now Bri. It's for the best." While he had spoken calmer now, Brian didn't seem any less uncomfortable with the words spoken. It was obvious, that he didn't like the idea of someone having a look at him, but Nick was determined to make sure his friend was okay enough to make it through the night. Looking at Brian he noticed, that he was thinking about something to say in protest, but when some tension fell off the mans body it was obvious that he had given in. When Bri finally raised his voice, the question spoken surprised him "But you will stay with me, won't you?" Of course he would. He would stay with Brian no matter what, he never wanted to leave him alone again. So he nodded and even gave his friend a gentle smile. "Okay, I'm going to call the doc now.", that said he took out his phone and dialed a number he had saved.

\---

The doctor had come and gone and while he had said, that Brian was alright to stay here for the night, there were many other things that left Nick worrying. While the doctor had urged him to make sure, that Bri went into rehab, that was not even the worst part. That had been expected, but what came surprising and as a shock was what he saw when Brians shirt was removed for the check-up. Not only had he seen every single bone in Brians body, but he had also noticed that he was covered in bruises. Some were new, others were older but they all looked pretty bad. As soon as he had seen them Nick had known, that his friend had been through hell. For a moment he had wanted to ask about them, he was sure the doctor wanted to as well, but neither of them did. Nick did not ask, because he had seen how traumatized his friend was, the doctor did not, because he knew it wasn't right to pry in these situations. If Brian wanted to talk he would eventually and it was for him to decide when that time had come. Perhaps he could try to coax the words out of him, when he was doing better, but right now he allowed him to stay silent. All Nick could do was to make sure he stayed away from whatever had caused him that harm. He was pretty determined to do that, to keep him safe and out of harms way, but he also knew, that Brians urges to get more drugs would soon kick in. So despite hating the idea of it he had locked the door to the guest room, after his friend had finally fallen asleep. While it brought him no joy to lock him up, that was the only way he could make sure, he wouldn't run away, when he wasn't looking. Of course he would look after him and he planned to stay in Brians room over the night, but he did not want to risk him running, if he fell asleep by accident. The doctor had treated some of the worst wounds before he left, but if his friend went back to the club, he was sure that would prove for naught. So he had to make sure he stayed away from there. 

Additionally he would need some help to look after Brian until he was ready to go to rehab. There was one person that came to his mind when he thought about who that help could be: AJ. If there was anybody who had any idea what Brian was going through it was him. While Nick had some idea about drug abuse, having done some Ecstasy in the past himself, AJ had even more experience with it. Right now that experience would really be helpful and so Nick took his mobile to send him a message:  
_  
From: Nick Carter_

_To: AJ McLean_

_Hey Alex, I need your help!_

_Or rather Brian needs your help. He got some real issues. Don't want to write it on the phone, please come to my place tomorrow, okay?_

_Thanks in advance,_

_Nick  
_

After sending the message he put his phone away. The night would be long and he did not want to be distracted by it. Nick had to make sure Bri was doing well. So while his friend slept, he sat on floor in the corner of the room, just observing him.


	10. Sad Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Brian finally declare their Love to each other.

The scent of coffee woke him from his slumber, woke him into a place he did not quite recognize at first. This place was so bright and the bed felt so comfy. Slowly he turned pulling the pillow just a little be closer. It smelled so fresh, fresher than anything he had laid in, in those last few weeks. Being a drug addict he never really had found any time left to clean up behind himself, so this was a welcome change, but where was he? As he opened his eyes just a little bit more he noticed the room was illuminated with sunlight and everything it shined upon was shining back in intense whiteness. It was so bright that it nearly blinded him until his eyes started to get used to being open. Then it dawned upon him where he was as the events of the prior night were put together piece by piece. This was Nicks place. "Good morning sunshine.", and that was Nicks voice. It came from a place closer than expected. Surprised Brian pulled himself into a sitting position. The words came from right next to him on the bed. For a moment Brian was alarmed, but as he turned his head to look at his friend he relaxed quickly. No, nobody was touching him or doing anything inappropriate. Nick was only sitting next to him on the edge of the bed holding a tray carrying a plate with some waffles and a cup possibly filled with the coffee he smelled. "Morning.", he muttered back still with a certain degree of sleepiness in his voice. "I made you breakfast, I hope you like my waffles.", as Nick placed the tray down next to him Brian had time to examine him. His friend looked really tired, like he had not slept in an eternity. The dark circles under his eyes were betraying him and it came to no surprise, that he yawned a moment later. "Thanks...", Brian started the sentence and took the fork to get himself a bite of the breakfast so lovingly made by the younger man, "Did you have anything to eat, yet? You look tired." As he took the first bite of the waffle he looked to Nick, who just gave him half a smile: "Don't worry about me I ate. I didn't sleep but I ate.", it was not like the blonde was complaining but Brian felt kind of bad about it still. "I'm sorry for being such an inconvenience. I really am." He hesitated with the second bite, but Nick just shook his head and sighed: "Brian.", he paused looking him over before he continued, "You got some major issues, that's true. But, and I want you to remember that, it does not bother me to take care of you. It's only natural that I do. I mean you are special to me.", his expression was rather stern at those words. Special. What was that supposed to mean? After taking another bite Brian eyed Nick skeptically. Of course he had not forgotten, that he had told him before, that he loved him, kind of at least. So Nick saying he was special was only confusing, especially after they had argued when he departed. "What do you mean?", he just had to ask it, had to understand the reason, why Nick did even care what was up with him. 

Silence followed and for a moment Brian thought the other man was trying to ignore his question, but then he sighed again, this time deeper. A moment later he finally seemed to have found an answer: "I don't know...", or perhaps he had not, "Right now it is important to get you healthy. We can talk about emotions later." The hold Brian was having on the fork got firmer the moment Nick was trying to just push the question away, he shook his head, "No, I want to know. Last time I saw you in London I thought you hated me and now you say I'm special? That's confusing. I know what I said to you and I know what I feel for you, but I don't know what you think about it.", it surprised him how easy it was to speak those words now. How it had seemed like such a terribly hard thing to do half a year ago, when now he had no trouble at all to put Nick in the spotlight. Perhaps he just didn't care anymore, he had given up on his life and was still sure he would die soon. So if Nick didn't love him back, it did not matter anyway. Since his friend took some time to come up with an answer Brian did have the time to examine him again. He really did look tired, but despite that all his features were still a beautiful as always. That blonde hair, that had grown a bit longer since he had seen him in London, that clean-shaved wonderful face and those blue eyes. For Brian Nick looked just as he always had imagined an angel to look like. Right now in a way he was one, since he was his light that had taken him away from a dark place. He hoped the words he was about to speak wouldn't put that light out: "Well. I don't know what I would call the emotion I feel for you. That's the honest truth. Only thing I know is that I feel a lot for you. I want you to be well and I hate seeing you like this. I don't know if that is love, but I most certainly do not want to miss you again.", he could see the pain on Nicks face as he spoke, but that expression soon changed as he seemed to get a sudden realization "Maybe... maybe I do love you. But right now that hurts. It hurts because I am afraid that you will leave me, like you did before, but this time forever."

Brian widened his eyes, he had not expected that. That confession of loving him as well it made him feel warmth in his heart, that was still destroyed by what he had been through. He was surprised and happy that Nick felt that way, but he also felt sad and guilty because he was so worried. It was strange how you could be happy and sad at the same time, but right now he couldn't describe what he was feeling in any other way. 

"I will never leave you.", he just had to say something to make Nick feel better. "You say that now, but you said that before you left me the first time as well.", there was bitterness in that voice and once again Brian was reminded of the year in which he ignored Nick. Sometimes he truly wished he could turn back time, just like he had been singing all those years. But he could not, he could only try not to repeat the same mistakes. It sounded so easy and yet he was aware, that he could make no promises. Even now as he was having breakfast his mind was planning for a way to get out, so he would get his next pack of K, coke or even alcohol. Despite hearing what he had wanted to hear so long, the priority on his mind was drugs and he noticed that. It made him sigh and as much as he would have loved to assure Nick, that he would stay this time it would have been a lie. So instead he apologized for the past: "I'm so sorry that I ever did leave you. I was so stupid, so egocentric. When you went solo all I thought about is you abandoning us, when in fact it became me who abandoned you.", those were his true feelings, but he couldn't quite read Nicks reaction. It was something between sadness and anger "It's in the past. You can't change that and I know you regret it. But the last half year you did the same shit. You ignored me.", he frowned deeply and stared at him, "You ignored all my calls. Why did you not take them? I'm so sorry that I was cold to you when you departed, but did I not have the right to be angry, when you treated me the way you did then?", he huffed and looked kind of desperate: "If you had just once talked to me, maybe... just maybe it would have never gotten this far.", he made a gesture presenting Brians body, but he was looking down towards the plate of waffles, "How could you take drugs? Just explain that to me, how?"

Those words Brian understood them all, what they meant and also the emotions they carried. He was very well aware, that he had once again had messed it all up, but he wanted to explain his reasoning: "I know, I know and I'm sorry. I fucked it up again. I should have taken your call, but I was so depressed. I wanted to die... I didn't want to be a bother to you or any of the others anymore. And look at me now. Look at what I've become. Am I not a bother to you now? And you don't even know half of it...", Nicks expression got warmer at his explanation, but as soon as he had finished his sentence Brian felt like he had said too much. The things he didn't tell Nick, they had been locked away, but by mentioning them the door that held them at bay swung open. There he was again, the man with the lion mask, there was the laughter and there was the pain of being abused. The man had punched him, kicked him, raped him. Violent pictures shot into his mind and where he had just been talking, he now started to breath heavily, panic written in his eyes. All of a sudden he felt like he was falling and loosing his grip on reality and all he could do to hold onto it was to grab his blanket as firm as he could. 

-

It didn't take long for Nick to realize that something was off. Damn, he shouldn't have pushed Bri much. What he was seeing was a full-blown panic attack and immediately his instinct kicked in. Disregarding the coffee that stood in-between them Nick made a swift motion forward to pull Brian into a hug. It didn't matter, that it resulted in the cup falling over or that the bed got wet because of it. What mattered now was, that he needed to comfort Bri. "Shh... everything is alright... we... we can work it out.", he tried to calm him down, but Brian immediately tried to pull away from him, "Let me go, let me go! I-I can't breathe." And after managing to push Nick off of him he jumped from the bed. Brian was breathing heavily and he was crying. Tears were running down his face and he was shivering, "I... just can't stay here. I can't... I can't handle this. I need.... Kate. Nick please give me Ketamine, please, oh please." 

-

He needed his escape from reality and he needed it now. The pictures in his mind were becoming more vivid by the second. As he looked down to Nick, who was still sitting on the bed, he hoped so dearly, that he would understand and just give him his drug. However it soon became obvious that he would not, even before he raised his voice again. "Brian I need you to calm down.", was he mocking him? How could he calm down, when that masked face was hunting him. And then Nick was standing up trying to get closer again. He meant it well, but it only made things worse: "No stop!", but it was too late, when he looked at Nick he didn't see his friends face anymore for it had warped into the lion-mask. All of the colour left his face as he stared: "No, don't touch me. Let me go! Don't hurt me again! I'm not your toy!", he shouted now. Reality became something far away as the room he was in warped into the room in Unity. Now he would be hurt again, mocked again, abused again. As he felt like he was in a situation he couldn't escape he let himself fall to the ground, where he stayed motionless.

-

The confusion Nick felt as he witnessed Brians more than strange behavior was replaced by horror, when he heard the sentence he spoke. That was the last puzzle piece that he needed. While he had expected it before, he had simply refused to accept it. But now it was clear as day. Brian did not want to be touched, he was scared whenever he came close, he had bruises all over his body, some in the shape of hand-prints and now he was having some kind of flashback telling whoever he saw not to hurt him again. Now it all made sense, it wasn't good it was terrible, but now he could understand the way Brian acted. He didn't know what to do about it though and the realization how much hurt his Frick had been through hit Nick hard. As Brian laid down motionless on the ground he felt tears starting to run down his cheek. They were both crying now. What should he do?

Brian was so scared of being touched and yet hugging him was the only idea Nick had to help him. Perhaps he would feel better if he only noticed, that he would not be hurt by his touch. So despite half of his instincts telling him not to do it, he laid down next to Brian and put one arm around him. He twitched and cried, but he did not defend, not even as Nick nuzzled up against his neck. "Shh... it's alright, I'm here Bri. Don't be afraid.", he spoke those words gently as he spooned Brian. And as another idea came to his mind he started to hum the melody of Siberia. That song, it had always been Bris favorite and Nicks plan had been to calm him down with it. At first it did not seem to work, but as he reached the chorus Nick noticed how Brian suddenly started humming along as the tension fell off his body. It was strange, he never had noticed how truly sad this song was until now, that they hummed it.

-

When the song was over Brian was calmer than before. As the taller blonde had laid down next to him he had still been stuck in a nightmare with the man in the lion-mask. At first the tight hug that followed had made him afraid to be hurt again, but then he had heard the song. Nick had been smart to use music, which was the one path that lead directly to his heart. That way he had been able to push all his fears away and pull him back to reality. There was nothing to fear here. Nobody in this room wanted to hurt him. The only person that was here with him was Nick and even though he was holding him tightly, he was not trying to use him. This did not feel bad, this felt good. And as they stopped humming Siberia he heard a soft whisper against his ear: "Yes I love you stupid. Please let me help you." and Brian could not keep himself from sobbing. Where had he lost his path? "I Love you too.", he heard himself speak and then they were crying in unison again as sadness and happiness once again clashed with each other.


	11. For Everything That I Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Nick cuddle. Also AJ comes along.

How long they had laid on the ground, he wasn't sure, but they still did when their tears had long dried up. Neither of them wanted to move away from each other. Brian had calmed down considerably and even though he still was in pain for the first time in a long while his mind was set on something positive. Finally those three words had been spoken by both of them. Nick loved him and he loved Nick. It had been what he had always dreamed about and now it was reality. What a fool would he be if he just parted from that beautiful angel now? How long had he wanted to feel Nick holding him close? Now he was doing it and god did it feel good. Never before in his life had he felt so protected and warm as he did now. And as he turned around to face Nick, he found him smiling. He didn't show his teeth with that smile, but it was so true and so heartfelt, that Brian could not help but to respond with one of his own. They felt the same and no words were needed anymore to explain their emotions. Their hearts were beating in unison with a quick pace produced by the excitement of loving each other. Their eyes still red from crying found each other and let both men sink deep into the blue oceans they carried. And their hands: while Nicks were motionless, Brian moved his left to gently move a strand of hair away from Nicks face. How beautiful he was, not only superficially, but with his whole being. He certainly had him enchanted and all those fears about being touched seemed forgotten with him. Right now, he did not want it any different. In fact he only wanted to move closer and then he did. Inching just a tiny bit nearer, just close enough that he could place a single gentle kiss onto Nicks smiling lips. As he did the smile did not fade, but Nick moved the arm that was still slung around him. He pulled it away and moved his hand up so he could caress Brians face. It was obvious, that he was being careful, afraid to hurt or scare him. Of course he was, after he had witnessed how Bri had acted earlier. He was thankful for that care. While part of him would have loved for Nick to be less careful, it still was for the best. This was the surest way to avoid provoking his trauma again. The touch felt good and loving, so he tilted his head lightly to lean into those caressing fingers traveling along his cheek. As he did his angels smile started to grow a bit wider. 

It was still visible even as Nick started to speak, breaking the silence that had lasted for so long: "Do you even know how beautiful you are?", and as he spoke he traced his fingers along the lines of his face. "You have always been." Brian couldn't help but to blush at those words. He didn't think he was very beautiful, not recently at least "No, you are beautiful. I'm just... how did you say? Deaths skinnier brother?", it had indeed been a rather fitting description. Nick sighed, well so much for romantic conversation. "Well, your weight IS worrying. But you are sick Brian and we can work on that. You will get healthy again!", and he leaned forward. Before he spoke on he brought his lips up to Brians forehead, placing the gentlest of kisses there. As he moved his head back again he was smiling: "You are still beautiful though, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." While he still was not sure he agreed, Brian did not speak up again until Nick suddenly moved away from him to stand up from the floor: "Where you going?", was the obvious question on his mind and Nick stretched his body lightly before he answered: "Well I'm going to get you a new cup of coffee and I will have to clean up your bed.", he gestured as the spot of coffee that was now all over the once white sheets. "You can take a shower while I'm gone, I already put some fresh clothes in there.", and he pointed at the bathroom, "They are mine so they might not fit you so well, but for now they have to do. We can drive by your place later to get your stuff." As Nick was finished with that explanation he was about to go, but Brian managed to get up in time to grab him on the arm lightly: "Wait!", and Nick blinked a little bit confused as he turned around to face him: "So, your plan is to get my stuff here? You want me to stay with you?" Nick nodded at that question, but Brian was still not ready to let him go: "You know that things will get intense, right? I... already can feel that urge. I want... a drink, coke, Kate. Just anything. I can already feel it and I'm not even into withdrawal yet.", those concerns were only logical and even though logic had never been Nicks thing, he understood where Bri was coming from: "I know and I know that you need to go to rehab to get better. But until you can go there I would prefer it if you stayed here, where I can watch you." Speaking those words he got a key from his pocket to show it to him: "Here I can make sure you won't run to your dealers anymore. I can't do that when you are at your place."

Brian frowned he was not sure how he felt about the idea of being locked up. Of course Nick wanted to prevent him from getting away, but it felt strange to be locked away like a prisoner. Additionally there was the problem that he didn't know what Peter would do if he did not show up at Unity anymore. At best he didn't care, at worst he might check the tapes of the clubs security cams. Then he would find out Bri went with Nick and he didn't even want to think about what would happen then. That man was capable of anything and thinking of him dampened his mood immediately. "I don't know how to feel about that, Nick.", he spoke honestly but still released grip on Nicks arm. The taller blonde gave him a sympathetic look: "Trust me, alright? I'll try my best for you.", he paused only to lead one hand to Brians face again. There he caressed his cheek with his thumb: "I love you." And as Nick said those words again any thoughts of protest escaped Bris mind. If there was anybody he could trust it was Nick. He was his friend and now he also was his lover. So he nodded: "Alright...", and as he looked back up Nick was moving towards the door. Before he could leave Brian raised his voice again: "I love you too.", he had to make sure that Nick knew that, no matter what would happen. His lover answered by turning once more to give him a smile, before he stepped through the door closing and locking it behind him. 

So a shower he said? Slow steps were already carrying Brian to the bathroom next door. He didn't know what to expect, but he was pleasantly surprised when he stepped into the room only to find it was quite luxurious. The room was not only clean, but also quite spacious. There was a bathing tub standing in the center of the room, which seemed quite inviting, but the shower was even more impressive. It was large enough that ten people would have fit in it without it getting crammed and the shower heads were the kind which made you feel like you were standing in a warm summer rain. On the opposite wall he noticed a mirror and a large basin combined with a shelf. That was also where he saw the clothes Nick had prepared for him. They probably would be much too large for him, but at least his angel had made sure, that he liked the colors or rather the lack thereof. Black pants and a white blouse, and gray Calvin Klein underwear. Not that Brian was excited to wear Nicks underwear, but they seemed to be clean and fresh. Still underwear was definitely something they would have to get from his place. He didn't want to wear Nicks boxer shorts any longer than needed. 

Getting clean would certainly feel good since he felt kind of messy. Being a junkie he had forgotten to care about things like hygiene or cleanliness. When your mind was always set on how to get your next high you had no time to think about things like that. Even now he was thinking about whether or not Nick had something to drink in his house and how he could get to it. However being locked away like that, he couldn't do anything about his urge, so he had to focus on other things. Taking a shower was not the worst thing he could have focused on. Actually he was kind of looking forward to it. 

-

When Nick heard the water starting to run in the distance he couldn't help but smile. While it might not be able to wash Brians worries away, he still hoped it would feel good. He wanted his Frick to feel comfy at his place, he wanted him to enjoy staying here. He loved him. It had been so unexpected, that it had happened that way. One night earlier he had not even been sure what he felt for Brian and now it had become so crystal clear. He wasn't even sure how it had happened that fast, but he didn't regret it. What had happened and what he had said felt so real. It was as if he had finally met his destiny. And yet there was a darkness looming over everything, a darkness, that their common light still had to break. Love was never easy, but what he faced with Brian was more than challenging. Drugs, weight issues and worst of all his lover had been through trauma. Nick wanted to face all those problems, fight them for him, but he knew, that he would need help. The seriousness of Brians troubles demanded professional help and therapy, but Nick was determined to be by his side, wherever his path lead him. 

_*Ding Dong*_

Thinking about help. As Nick heard the doorbell he gasped lightly. He had nearly forgotten, that he had contacted AJ the night before, but as he lead his fast steps towards the mansions entrance he felt kind of relieved. Not that he would have minded to stay alone with Brian if the circumstances were different. Right now though he welcomed the idea of AJ being here. So he opened the door without hesitation as he reached it. "AJ!", there he was standing in front of his door with a slight frown written on his face. Of course he wasn't smiling: "Yo Nick, I'm here. What's up with Brian?", straight to the point as usual AJ pushed past him into the house without even waiting for an answer. Closing the door behind them Nick sighed: "Much, bad stuff. You know?", it felt awkward to speak about another persons problems, but he had to do it: "Brian is in trouble. He's doing drugs." In response AJ stared at him in disbelief, that did not come as a surprise. If Nick would not have seen it with it own eyes, he would not have believed it either. His band-mate didn't say anything, but Nick still had to assure him: "No AJ, it's true. I know how it sounds, but... it's bad." The stern expression on his face seemed to be enough for his friend to believe him. That didn't mean he knew how to react to it and that became obvious through his prolonged silence. "Oh boy...", before he said anything else he started to walk down the hallway leading towards the living room. "How did that happen and where is he now?", valid questions but Nick only knew the answer to one of them. "I don't know exactly. He said something about depression, but I don't know the details of how he got into drugs. Said he did coke, Ketamine, Ecstasy, Speed and LSD.", AJ gasped at hearing all the stuff their mate took, "Yeah.", Nick sighed, "But the good news is, I have him here at my place... the water running, that's him.", he mentioned the sound of the shower that still was running in the distance and AJ looked at him with a mixture of relieve and worry. "That's a lot of shit, Nick. How long has he been using?", before Nick spoke on he sat down on the living room couch as they finally reached it, then he patted the cushion next to him inviting AJ to sit down. "I don't know exactly. I would guess a few months. He looks really sick, but... he's been through stuff.", the dark-haired man raised his eyebrows as he heard Nicks words. He was about to ask something when Nick silenced him: "I can't tell you more, it's not my story to tell. But, I need your help. Bri needs to get to rehab. You know more about that stuff than I do. If you would... I mean I would be thankful if you could help me look after him." As he had spoken those words AJ looked him over obviously examining him, then it was he who sighed. "Well shit, but of course I will help you, Bri is my friend, too. Bring me to him."

-

The shower had been refreshing. After stepping out of it Brian felt wide awake and ready to face another day. But first he had to face himself. One of the harder challenges that had laid ahead of him in those last few months. Once there had been a time when he did not mind looking into the mirror. That had been before he became a walking skeleton, before he had been covered in bruises. They didn't hurt as bad as they looked and he only ever felt them when someone touched them, but they were a constant reminder of a much bigger underlying pain. When he looked at them he was reminded of how he got them. The cut near his belly button, he got it when he tried to get away from his tormentors. The dark spot on his chest, he had gotten that when he was not quick enough to turn around. And the marks of hand-prints on his waist, he had gotten them, the last time that monster took him forcefully. He shook his head at that thought, closing his eyes firmly. Those images he had to put them away, couldn't dwell on them. Not now when it was important to change something. Change for Nick. Luckily the fact, that his lover had prepared new clothes for him helped with focusing on something else. As Brian lifted the Blouse a wave of Nicks scent hit his nostrils and that made him smile. Dark thoughts were pushed away by memories of Nick and as Brian put the blouse on he wished to be back in his arms. That was where he truly felt safe and at home, but right now a locked door isolated him away from his lover. Well at least it had done so, because just as he was about to put on the boxer shorts he heard the door to the guest-room unlock again. Impatiently he rushed dressing himself, so he could run back to the love of his life. He didn't even finish completely before he moved toward the door leading back to the guest room. As he opened it he had barely managed to close the button of the pants in time.

"Brian?", now that was not the voice he had expected. That was not Nick, that was AJ and that left Brian confused as he opened the door. But indeed there he was standing looking tough as usual and yet he looked like he was full of worries. So he knew? Had Nick called him? Before he even answered AJs question he looked at the tall blonde who entered the room behind the other. There was an apologetic look on his face, but Brian wasn't angry, he just was surprised. Finally he looked back to AJ, who was quite shocked now. "So... I guess you know too then.", Brian sighed and moved closer. "I told him about your drug-abuse, yeah.", it was Nicks way of saying, he had not spoken about the bruises. Bri got that hint and he nodded just lightly. "He did and he wasn't kidding when he said you look really sick. Man, shit. You need help!" As was to be expected AJ noticed how thin he was. Being dressed in Nicks clothes like that it was even more obvious. Even as he was at a healthy weight Nick had always been taller than him and so his clothes were more than over-sized on Brian. It looked like he was drowning in them. Somehow it was odd how the tables were reversed now. He could remember a time, when it had been AJ who needed help. He had never fallen as deep as Brian had, but he had come pretty close to drowning in a swamp as well. Perhaps that was why Nick had gotten him to come. "I know I do. Is that why you are here? To tell me I need help? I already know that.", he didn't know why but all of a sudden he felt defensive and slightly angry. Why did they keep telling him things he already knew? That little outburst did not go unnoticed and while Nick moved past the other to move closer to Brian, AJ shook his head: "Na, Nick called me to help you. Best way I know how to help is to contact my therapist. She can get you into rehab!"

As Nick finally reached him Brian examined him for a second. What was he going to do with their common friend in the room? Did he tell them, that they loved each other? That would certainly sound weird, especially when it came next to the announcement that Brian did drugs. When Nick simply stopped right next to him Brian just sighed and looked back to AJ: "But me going to rehab would mean the press finds out.", Nick shot him a look as he said that and Alex frowned as well. "I told you before, press doesn't matter. You matter and you need help.", his lover sounded angry and Brian ducked his head lightly. "Yepp, what he says.", AJ nodded at Nicks words. Now there were two against one and even though that was unfair, he knew they were right. If he didn't go to rehab, if he didn't get proper therapy, he knew he would die from his addiction eventually. And while that had been such a welcome idea a few days ago, now there was something, someone to live for: Nick. Carefully he glanced over to him and as there eyes met he felt his love again. He kept his eyes locked on those blues, even as he raised his voice again: "Alright, I'll do it.", finally he looked away from Nick, to face AJ: "I will try it. For everything that I love."If Nick was good with cryptic messages, Brian was a master and he had to hold back a smile as he noticed his lover leaning a bit closer to him. They would need to tell AJ, eventually.


	12. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian runs away again.

When it hit him, it hit him hard. One moment he had been talking with AJ, answering one of what felt like billions of questions he had to ask. The next moment he was gone. Not literally gone, like in a different place, but gone with his mind. While he was still sitting in a bright room it seemed to Brian, as if clouds of darkness gathered around him. He knew that sensation, what had once been his already major depression was only amplified by the drugs withdrawal symptoms. This was what Ketamine did, when you just stopped taking it. A substance usually used as anesthetic K had the nice additional effect of working against severe depression. Like with most antidepressants that meant, that as soon as you stopped taking it, those came back and even worse than before. The moment it hit him, he started wondering what he was doing here with Nick and AJ. He was a danger to them and a bother. Now, that Nick had declared his love to him even more so than before. Who needed a junkie as a boyfriend? And surely for AJ it was a terrible idea to hang out with another addict. Sure Alex was clean, but once an addict always an addict. You always had to face the danger to fall for the drug again and being around the wrong people increased the risk of relapse.

"Hey Bri, you listening?", as AJ waved his hands in front of his eyes he got his attention back. But the only response Brian had was a confused expression. What had he even said? After Nick had finally went to his room to get back some of the sleep he had missed in the night, AJ had been the one to keep him company. They had talked a lot, but he could really not remember what the last topic had been. Another symptom of K-withdrawal: Confusion. It was written all over his face when he answered: "Eh... nah.", he breathed in deeply and looked around the room for a moment. He had examined it before, but this time he looked for a way to possibly escape this place. The door was still locked, Nick had given AJ the key before he left. But there were tall windows on both sides of this room and another one in the bathroom. Those were a way to escape as well. The only problem was they weren't the kind you could open. 

"It's hitting you isn't it?", once again he was confused, when Alex asked that question. For a moment he had forgotten, his former band-mate had even been here. "Yes...", he heard himself speak, but felt like he had no control over it. There were other things on his mind. He needed to get another dose of Kate, if he wanted to keep himself from going crazy. His mind was already starting to to be enveloped by darkness. Of course he had promised Nick, that he would stay, but if he stayed he was a danger to him. What if Peter really found out where he was? What if he sent someone to get him or even worse hurt Nick? What kind of boyfriend would he be if he allowed any harm to even come close to his angel? Brian needed to get away from here, it was for the best. At least that was what all of his senses were telling him.

Had he not been so deep in this swamp of addiction he might have seen, that he was only trying to make excuses for himself. Excuses to feel better about himself and his urge to get more drugs, his urge to leave. Excuses for planning to leave the love of his life. Because that was what he wanted to do now more than anything. He needed to get that Ketamine urgently. "Brian?", as AJ once again was waving the hand in front of his face Brian groaned lightly. He had said more words, that Bri did not listen to, but he was annoyed by his waving. "What?", the annoyance was audible in his voice, he didn't want to talk anymore. Alex was certainly taken aback by the aggressive tone in Brians voice, but after a moment of silence he gave him a compassionate look: "Just try to focus. Focus on the furniture in the room, every detail of them, focus on my voice or focus on your breathing.", as AJ explained one of the exercises he probably had learned in therapy himself Bri rolled his eyes. "You're no doctor AJ!", he was still irritated and sitting on the bed with Alex was only wasting valuable time, that could be spent getting away from here. Things were getting worse and he knew that even before the taunting voices came back to him. But then they were there: 'Just knock him out.' Usually Bri hated those tormenting clouds and the things, they said, but what they were suggesting now actually didn't seem like a bad idea. If he wanted to get away, he had to get rid of AJ somehow. Under normal circumstances he would have never considered to hurt anyone. But with withdrawal symptoms, he was not a good judge of what was right or wrong anymore. As AJ spoke again this time he was paying attention "No, but I'm your friend and I know how withdrawal is.", Brian huffed: "No you don't. Withdrawal from coke and alcohol is different to this.", he groaned and after shooting Alex a look he stood up from the bed. Should he really do that? He eyed the bedside lamp for a moment thoughtfully. To hell with it! And before AJ could even respond to his words Brian had grabbed the lamp. A swift motion later and he had knocked his friend in the head with it.

AJ had not seen it coming. How did he not? If he knew so much about withdrawal, how did he not? If Brian had been clear headed this would never have happened. But he was so focused on the drug, that he did not even have time for remorse as he saw AJ drop over in the bed. No time to worry, even as he saw that he was bleeding from the temple. He had to find the key and he hurried to do so. It didn't take long to find it. As soon as he reached into the left pocket on his unconscious friends jacket he felt his small metal prize. Bingo!

What happened next, felt as if he was in a haze. Brian was running. Unlocking the door, out of the room, into the living-room, through it to the hallway, out of the mansion. He was free. The sun was shining on his face and he was free.

-

"Nick!", it was AJs agitated voice that pulled him out of his deep slumber. The urgency of that call was alarming and as he shot up into a sitting position to look at the man who had called him he gasped. "What happened?", before he even was fully aware why AJ was here again, he noticed that the whole left side of his face was covered in blood and he was leaning against the door-frame. "Brian, he's gone!" No, he couldn't be. "What?", he asked in disbelief. He had hoped with AJ being here, this happening would have been impossible. Of course he had not expected Brian to actually attack someone, especially being as frail as he was. He should have never underestimated a junkie and he should have never given AJ the key and put him at a risk like that. For a moment he blamed himself for all this happening, but he did not have the time to dwell on it. "We need to get him back.", that was the first thing on his mind, but then there was something else: "But we need to get you to the doctor, too." While it was imperative for him to get to Brian, he cared for Alex as well. It was a different kind of care, the one you had for good friends, but it was still care. But AJ was shaking his head lightly: "Don't worry about it, I will call a doc myself. You make sure to get Bri back.", after finishing his sentence AJ walked over to a seat located in Nicks room next to his wardrobe. He let himself fall down on it. "You sure?", he was a little bit worried about his friends state, "Yes, this here...", and AJ pointed to his bleeding temple "Just a bruise. Nothing I can't handle.", he was probably playing it down, but Nick was thankful, that he gave him an opportunity to care for his Frick. Why was he always so damn good with running away? "Go after Bri, I will take care of myself and I will call the other guys and the cops.", when Alex spoke those words Nick sighed. He had planned to tell Kev and Howie about Bris state, but he did not find the time to do it yet. It was the right thing to do, he knew that. Calling his friends, calling the cops, it was the right thing to do in a situation that was out of his control. And even if it meant, that Brians struggles could be exposed to the public, it was more important to get him back.

So while AJ took the mobile from his pocket to call a doctor, Nick jumped out of his bed. He had to get to his car and as he was running there, grabbing the keys from his jacket he wondered where Brian would have gone. It was crystal clear what he wanted to do. An addict always was striving for one thing and one thing only. Of course it hurt to know, that the drug was more important to Bri than he was. But it was not like Brian had control over it so Nick couldn't be angry. But he was worried. So as he had made it into the car, the first thing he did was to get out his phone. Sure, Brian had ignored all the last messages he sent him. But this time he was his boyfriend, so he called him.

What followed was a moment of silence and tension. Would his lover take the call or would he ignore him? He worried about that so much, that he was actually surprised as the signal tone vanished and he suddenly heard a voice on the other end. He loved that voice, but it was breaking as it answered: "Nick..." Brian spoke in a guilty voice, of course he felt like that. "Where are you Bri?", he practically shouted into the phone and he could hear a sigh in response. "I need to get my K and I need to get away from you." What did he mean get away from him? "Why?" was the question that shot out of his mouth and a moment of silence followed before Bri answered. "Because I have to keep you safe. If I stay with you, they might come for you.", that left Nick speechless for a moment. Who was he worried about? Nicks mansion was in a gated community, nobody could get in here easily, he was rich and he had spent a good amount of money on security. But then it dawned on him, that Brian wasn't being rational right now: "Nobody will come for me. Bri, please tell me where you are. Please don't do this. I love you.", there was no answer for a long drawn-out moment. Then the voice, that he loved so much despite its struggles against sickness spoke again. Spoke again, but really weak and he could hear sadness speaking through it: "I'm sorry, Nick. I love you, too.", and then the voice was gone, replaced by the monotone beep of the signal tone coming back.

Fuck. With Bri just hanging up on him like that it felt for a moment as if he was fighting a hopeless war. How could he fight something, that was altering the way his boyfriends brain worked? That was what drugs did after all and it was obvious, that it had happened with Brian. Otherwise he would have never even thought about attacking Alex like that. Otherwise he would have stayed with him. He felt overwhelmed by this, but he had to fight this battle. He had promised to try his best for Bri. And giving up did not fit that description. The only positive side of it was that the drugs made his lovers next move kind of predictable. He needed drugs, so he would probably go back to his dealer. And his dealer, Nick assumed, could be found at Unity. He frowned at the idea, that he might have gone back to the hell-hole that had left him traumatized. He needed to save him.

-

Getting back to Unity had been easier than he had expected. As soon as he had made it past the gate to Nicks neighborhood all that it had needed was one call for a taxi. The taxi had come and taken him along for a ride, back to the destination he needed to be at even though he loathed it. And now he was back in front of this place he hated so much, it was where he needed to go. An irony, that didn't escape his mind. There was no other place to go if he wanted to get drugs, he didn't know any dealers beside of Peter. Peter, who he didn't want to see. That man that was equally as cruel as the people he sold him to. No, he didn't want to see Peter and he wanted to see his tormentors even less. If they got to him, they would hurt him again a thought that made fear run through his body. A fear so strong that it pulled like a tight rope around his stomach. And yet he was here. It would have been common sense not to go. Not to risk getting caught by those bastards. But Brian had no common sense left, it was eaten by his addiction. His withdrawal symptoms were getting stronger by the minute. At first it had only been the Keta-withdrawal, but by the time he got closer to Santa Monica he had started sweating and feeling nauseous. This was the need for alcohol. He certainly needed a drink and that was another thing he could find at the club. Certainly he could have gotten a drink at any other bar, but he needed to be here, because he was looking for Jimmy. That guy he had last seen laying around the bathrooms of Unity. If there was any way to get drugs without meeting Peter it was through Jim. That guy had been in the drug business a lot longer than Brian, he probably knew plenty of people that could sell him Kate. If getting to him who was Brians best chance for more drugs meant putting himself in dangers way it was a risk worth taking. That was why he was here. That was why he had hung up on Nick. Oh, his beautiful Nick, he felt so bad for disappointing him. But there was nothing he could do, this was for the best for both of them. 

By the time he had stepped out of the taxi it was only afternoon. At this time of the day the club did not play the haunting techno beats, that made his body move out of instinct. It was nevertheless open, but the music playing was pop, turned down quite a bit and nearly swallowed by the voices of the few people that did make it here early. Brian had entered the place through the back door and he was looking around now, trying to see who of the people he knew were there. There was the bartender, her name was Kelly and she was one of the many people he had seen working the bar before. So it was her shift today. Brian didn't know her per se, he didn't really know anybody in this place, but they had exchanged words before. So it was her he approached first, after getting close enough to the left bar, which at the moment was the only one that was open. "Hey Kelly... gimme a glass of vodka.", he called towards her as soon as he was there. Of course he drew peoples attention the way he looked. Skinny and now sweating from withdrawal. It was not a nice sight, especially since he was still dressed in Nicks much too large white blouse, that was stained with sweat spots. People looked at him now, but he didn't care, not when he needed to get his fix. The bartender eyed him too, anybody with just a little bit of conscience would have sent him away. But people with conscience didn't work at Unity. So the woman working on the bar didn't ask questions, she just did what her job asked of her, serving drinks and of vodka she had plenty.  
A moment later a glass full of the clear liquid had made its way into Brians hand. Finally some relieve. There was no time to waste, so he brought the sweet stuff up to his lips. His hands were so jittery, that some of the drink made its way out of the glass and onto his shirt. He didn't care as long as the majority of it made its way to its destination. And it did. Instant relief washed over him as he emptied the glass quickly not even taking the time to really taste it. The stuff was burning in his throat, it was strong alcohol and he had needed that. Oh how he had needed that and he needed more. More of the alcohol and more of the drugs he was longing for. As he put the glass back on the counter Kelly filled it back up without him needing to ask. She knew what he wanted, she knew how to keep a client hooked. It was a cruel thing to help him to get drunk, he could have seen that if his mind wasn't set on getting his fix. Like this though he only accepted. He was already bringing the glass back up to his lips as he started to look around to search for the way to get his drugs: Jimmy.

After spending some time examining people Bri became aware, that the person he was looking for wasn't at the bar. Slight disappointment set in, but he didn't give up yet. After all it was not the bar, where that dude spent most of his time. No, Brian knew where he and the other junkies always met. With the glass still in his hand Brian made his way towards the bathrooms. If Jimmy was here, then this would be the place. And indeed as Bri entered the window-less room only lighted by phosphor lamps he saw him. There he was leaning against the back wall of the room. The twenty-something-year-old was standing and awake this time, the phone in his hand. The trademark messy black hair fell down around his pale face. If it had not been for the bright green colour of his shirt Jim could have made a wonderful vampire. But vampires didn't wear bright clothes, techno-heads did. And that was what Jimmy was a techno-head, a techno-head and a junkie. 

As he approached him he raised his head: "Jimmy... I was looking for you.", there was no further explanation needed, the younger man knew the reason he came to him. "I got no stuff, man.", it was a defensive sentence, but Brian looked at him skeptical: "I'm sure you do... you just not giving.", he made a little bit of a growling sound, somehow getting agitated. He had to calm down, but while taking another sip from the vodka he stepped closer towards Jimmy: "I need Kate.", he huffed and was staring the man down, "Call your dealer for me.", it took some will-power not to jump onto this kid to search him for drugs. He was sure he had some. Certainly he did. He always had. As Brians grip on his glass was getting firmer, the younger man looked at the phone in his hand. "Shit man, okay.", he nodded and dialed a number, before bringing the phone up to his ear, "Why don't you get your stuff, where you usually do?", Jimmy spoke before whoever he was calling answered him. The question hit Brian pretty strong. Why didn't he? Why was today so different than yesterday? Before Nick he would not have hesitated to go to Peter. Despite all the pain he went through, he had always come back. At first it had been only because of Peters threat to expose him and BSB to the press, but later it had become some kind of a routine. When he had stopped caring about his life, he had stopped caring about what happened to him. And after all, when the things got bad, he could lock his mind away. His mind was free and if he dreamed himself away to different places he could endure the pain. Especially if that was what he had to do in order to get drugs. Over time the drugs had become more than an escape from reality. They had become a way to end his life. A slow suicide, which had seemed like the only way out of his suffering.

But things were different now. Now he didn't want to go back to Peter, because now he had someone to live for. It hurt to realize, that this person he loved was also the reason why had to go back to the bastard club-owner eventually. If he truly wanted to make sure Nick was alright, he felt like going back to Peter was the only way to make sure of that. Right now though, there was something on his mind that kept him from running upstairs into the VIP lounge to search for that man that always held his medicine. It was the little light that Nick had planted with his love. Brian didn't know it, but that light was trying its best to fight the darkness. And to fight the darkness meant to keep Brian from going back to the people who caused it. 

Sadly it was ultimately a futile fight, since Brian had walked back into the monsters cave. How could he have thought to step into Unity without Peter noticing him? It was his club, he noticed everything that was going on in it. It had been a stupid assumption, to think he could just go in here and not be seen and Brian realized that the moment the air around him started to get colder. He felt it. And then he saw it while he was still looking at Jimmy. He was moving his eyes, there was something behind Brian, he started to focus on. When a large hand fell onto his shoulder he already knew who it was. "Brian...", and as he heard the voice his horror was back. And as he heard the voice he lost the grip on his glass, lost the grip on his new found confidence. "You are coming with me!", and as the glass broke with a high pitched sound another hand took him by the wrist to forcefully pull him along. Peter had found him and this time he would not let him go that easily.


	13. Dying Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter torments Brian and Nick arrives at Unity trying to rescue his love.

_  
From: Nick Carter_

_To: AJ McLean_

_I'm at Unity Club in Santa Monica now. I believe Brian is here. I'm gonna get him.  
Are you alright?_

_Bye,_

_Nick_

Nick just had to send that message, before he entered the club. It was the best thing to do. After all he didn't know in what state Brian would be when he found him. Ever since he had experienced Bris trauma, he had known that the rumors about this Club were all true. That made it dangerous to go here alone and that was why he let AJ know where he was. And AJ didn't take long to reply. As Nick approached Unitys front door, the vibration in his pocket made him pull out his phone once more.

_  
From: AJ McLean_

_To: Nick Carter_

_Be careful, you don't hear good things about that place._

_I called Howie and Kev about Brian. They be shocked. Think I'm gonna text Howie, so he can get me to that club._

_Heads fine, already stopped bleeding._

_See you soon_

After he read AJs response-text he sighed. That did not sound as if AJ had even called a doctor to check after him. For a moment he thought about writing him to go to the hospital instead of coming here, but then he decided against it. If Alex had set his mind on something he could be quite stubborn and starting a discussion would help nobody. Right now it was important to act quick, so he could find Brian, before fell back down into a pit. So Nick only send a single word as an answer: 'Okay'.

Nothing was really okay though and as he entered the place that had changed Brian so much, he felt anger rising from deep inside of him. He hated this place and what it had done to a person so sweet and kind. Nick didn't know all the tiny details of how Unity had managed to steal the shine from Bris eyes, but he had heard enough to make assumptions. While it made him shudder to even think that word it was pretty obvious that Brian had been raped and abused. By whom, he did not know, but the anger inside of him flamed up even higher as he approached the bar and the small group of people who had gathered there. Anyone of them could have been the one that touched the person he loved so much. Anyone of them could have been so cruel to have tried destroying something so pure. And yet his biggest fear was, that Brians abusers weren't right here but instead somewhere, where he couldn't find them, taking advantage of his Fricks weakened state. He closed his eyes to push away that thought to focus on the matter at hand, but it felt impossible not to feel fear for somebody he cared so much about.

As he stepped up to the bar he caught the attention of the crowd. Of course he did, he didn't wear anything to mask his identity and he was a celebrity after all. It wouldn't have surprised him if somebody came up to ask for a photo or an autograph, but nobody did. They all just stared, their eyes like needles in his back and they whispered, words he didn't quite get. The murmurs that went through the crowd were drowned by the pop music coming from the speakers, which wasn't loud, but loud enough. Nick tried to focus. Brian was nowhere to be seen and yet he was certain he was here. He just had to be. So after a moment of gathering himself he raised his words towards the person tending the bar, a woman in her twenties, pretty short and with purple hair: "I'm looking for my band-mate Brian Littrell. Have you seen him?" 

The woman looked at him silently for a moment, examining him seemingly thoughtful. "Never heard of him.", she finally said before going back to wiping the counter clean from some beverage somebody had spilled. "He's about this size.", Nick spoke on and made a gesture indicating Bris height, "Got quite a distinctive jawline. And... well he's quite thin.", he looked a bit worried at the last part. The woman only frowned as she looked back at him and shook her head: "Sorry.", she apologized and Nick sighed. For a moment he wondered if he had been wrong to assume that Bri had went here, but then he realized, that he had not even been to the place where he had found him the first time: the toilets. Pushing himself away from the bar he turned to face the hallway leading to that destination. Quick steps took him there and part of him hoped to just find his lover at the same spot as last time. But as he entered the bathroom all he saw was emptiness. Nobody was here, not Brian, not anybody else. Except. 

After making a few steps into the room he suddenly heard a cough behind him. Half in shock, half in instinct he turned around. There was somebody here after all. But that someone had followed him from the bar. He had seen him before. This was the man that had been laying on the ground with Bri, when he had first found him at Unity: "I know where your friend is.", the words that man spoke definitely caught Nicks attention, "Where is he?", he spoke faster than he could think making the pale male standing across from him smile lightly: "What you paying?" Of course, the guy was a junkie, he had seen that the night before. It was not really surprising that he asked for money. In any other situation Nick would have sent him away, but now he was possibly the only lead he had on finding the man he loved. So he didn't hesitate to pull out his purse, producing a 50 Dollar bill from it. "That enough?", the man grinned and grabbed the note, putting it into the pocket of his pants: "Is enough, yeah. Your friend... I've seen him, he was here wanted some keta. But then boss man came and took him." Nick frowned: "Boss man? Who? And where did he take him?", with a smirk the junkie opened his hand again holding it out. So he really was making a business out of this? Nick huffed, but he didn't say a word and instead produced another 50 handing it over again. "Peter Lancaster, man. The guy who owns Unity. Guess he owns your friend, too. He owned me once as well.... yeah. Anyway, he took him up to the play-rooms.", as Jimmy made that revelation Nick gasped. 

That did sound ANYTHING but good. Play-rooms, he could have asked what that meant, but that junkie would probably have only asked for more money and Nick didn't really need to ask. "Shit.", with exclamation he started to walk off quickly. He hurried out of the bathroom, past Jimmy who shot him a "Thanks for the money." Nick had to get upstairs, he needed to get Brian out of there. Could it be so easy as to just run towards the door leading upstairs? Of course not. He came so close and then he suddenly was stopped. 

Just as he was about to make it a hand grabbed him by the shoulder: "Where do you think you are going?", strong hands pulled him back and as Nick turned around he noticed one of the security men, who was twice his size. His appearance was quite intimidating but there was a flame burning inside of Nick, that did stop him from cowering. "Let me go! I need to get up there.", he tried to pull himself away from the brute, but that man was stronger. With a simple tug of his hand he had Nick by the collar and pulled him the few steps towards the back door. "No you leave.", was the only thing the man said in a deep resonating voice, before shoving him out the door. There was nothing he could do, he felt like a child in strength compared to that man, who closed the door behind him. 

Fuck. He needed to get to Brian. He didn't want to imagine what was going on in a place Jimmy named the 'play-rooms'. It made Nick shudder, but with a brute like that defending the way upstairs, there was nothing he could do alone. But he had to do something. There was only one thing he could do really. He had to call the cops. And as he took out his phone to dial 911 he looked up along the building.

-

No matter how many times he had walked the path up towards the VIP-area, he couldn't get used to that feeling of dread washing over him with every step he took. The emotion so strong, it made it hard for him to breath. Like a demon sitting on his shoulder getting heavier and heavier. He wanted to stop, turn around and get away from Peter. But he was holding onto him tightly and even though that bastard didn't compare in size to the lion-masked man, he still was quite a bit taller than Brian. Taller and right now also stronger. When they had first met, Brian could have probably put him down, but not anymore. He had lost most of his strength together with his weight. And yet the forceful nature of Peters pull and the expectation of what was to come made him struggle. To no avail, Peter didn't let him go. Instead the grip he had on his wrist only grew firmer, making him squirm. "Ow. Let me go", Brians voice was breaking and it sounded quite a bit more scared, than he had wanted it to. Peter didn't respond, he just kept pulling him along right into the VIP-area. He hated this place, and he started to feel dizzy as the memories of what happened up here came back to him. "No.", he heard himself whimpering as he started to sob. Peter only laughed. He didn't speak until they reached a door he had never been through before. Where was he leading him? 

"You are pathetic. Look at you crying those salty tears. The great Brian Littrell, former singer in a world famous boyband. Turns out he's nothing more than a crybaby.", with those words he opened the door. He didn't even give Brian time to react, before with the next move he pushed him inside with great force, causing him to fall. That hurt. Adding to the words ridiculing him the violence in which his body collided with the ground shocked him. There was a not so pretty cracking sound to be heard as his arm took the brunt of the force when trying to catch the fall. Then the pain shook his body, terrible pain, pain so strong that it made him see blackness for a second and there was a cry he couldn't stop from escaping his throat. It was loud and echoing. "Oh, shut UP!", the fact that he still could hear and understand Peters voice made it obvious that unconsciousness wouldn't come. Nothing and nobody could save him now from whatever was about to happen.

It took some time but eventually he regained just a little bit of composure. Even though his mind was still clouded, he finally managed to move into a sitting position. Pain was still radiating from his arm and it felt so bad, that he just kept on sobbing. It was probably broken, since he wasn't able to move it at all. As he tried the pain only got worse causing him to cry out again. So he stopped trying. Instead he quickly looked around in the room he was in. It was hard to concentrate, but he noticed, that he had not been here before. The room was a lot smaller than the one Peter usually brought him to. It looked like nothing more than a storage chamber. In fact that was probably exactly what it was. On two sides of the room there were metal shelves filled up with boxes. It wasn't obvious what those boxes contained, but judging by the fact that this was Unity Brian did think they probably contained either alcohol or something illegal. "You like this place?", Peter had obviously noticed him looking around and his words caused Brian to shift his focus back onto his tormentor. The expression on his face made him shudder. There he stood the man that he had suffered so much under and he was grinning. Smirking at the fact that Brian was in pain, that he was still sobbing and at the fact, that he looked so scared. "You thought you could escape me. Didn't you, faggot?", demeaning words made to hurt him. They did, but if he compared it with all he had been through the word faggot couldn't shake him. "And that blonde prick you left with. Nick Carter, right? Thought he could just gather you up.", he laughed and shook his head, "How stupid! Everybody knows junkies always come back to their dealers. And now look at you.", he stepped closer towards him. Then he was standing right at Brians feet and crouched down to look into his teary eyes. So he knew, that Nick had taken him away? Immediately he got worried for the one light left in his life. What did Peter plan on doing? It was not that question however, that made its way past his lips, no it was another one. One he had been wondering about for so long: "Why are you doing this?", his words were painted by tears and sounded rather pressed. They made Peter smile, a cunning and arrogant smile, one that was amused to see him in this state: "Tell me why, huh? Guess you are a Backstreet Boy after all.", he shook his head and reached into his pocket, "Well, you see. guys like you, they disgust me. You have everything and then you just throw it away. Cause you always have some kind of world shattering problems right?", he sounded bitter as he spoke and looked him over, "People like you, the popular kind, it just comes to you doesn't it? Everybody likes you for your looks and for your fame. You have it so easy.", the more Peter spoke, the more confused Brian got. It became obvious that his words came from something he experienced in his past. “I never had it that easy, never was a pretty boy like you. It was your kind that bullied me and put me down.”, Brian frowned he had never bullied anybody. It was true, for his taste Peter had less than average looks: his dark hair and beard were messy, he had a bald spot on his head and moles all over his face. But even if he would be the ugliest person in the world, he would have never considered putting someone down for their looks. His looks were not the reason he hated him, his true ugly came from the inside. “But those times are gone. Now I have power, now I know people. And you...”, he pointed a finger at his forehead touching it lightly, “You are irrelevant. Unimportant. Nothing.”, he paused, “I mean have you seen yourself recently? You're not so pretty anymore. You're a junkie. I can't even offer you to my clients anymore. Backstreet Boy or not, it would embarrass me to offer such a piece of smelly dirt like you to them. They deserve something better than your lanky ass.” 

The tirade of words was cutting into his emotions like a cleaver. What hurt the most was the fact, that Brian believed them. He had thought low of himself for a long time now. Irrelevant, unimportant, nothing. All words that had come up in his mind before to describe himself. And that his looks had suffered was no secret either. Peter was right, there was nothing about him anymore to like. How could Nick have been so blind to not see that? Brian was reminded of his words calling him beautiful. Had he lied just to make Brian feel better about himself? If he had not already been crying, tears would have started to run down his face now. But instead the pace in which the salty liquid ran along his cheeks increased. There was only one thing he didn't understand. Peter didn't want to offer him to his 'clients' anymore, so there was one question he just had to speak: “Why am I here then?”, his voice was really wavery and he sobbed, causing the other man to chuckle once more: “Pathetic!”, he then pulled his hand from the pocket and with it an injection he had been hiding in there. “You are here, because I can't have you telling on me. You want some ketamine right? I have a special mixture for you.”, and he used his free hand to flick the injection lightly, grinning at him. Brians eyes widened. This situation he found himself in, it was terrible, but as soon as he saw his drug, he could only focus on that. He didn't know what exactly Peter had meant with his words, but any thought about it had vanished as soon as he saw the K-injection. That was his escape. “See Brian, you wanted to die anyway, I'm just doing you a favor.”, and before Brian could react Peter grabbed his unbroken arm and started to look for a vein. “Die?”, he heard himself speak. Perhaps dying was really the best solution. The sheer amount of darkness that was piling up through depression, drug addiction, abuse and now through the way Peter treated him, it was just so much. It would have been easy to finally accept the all encompassing silence of death. But there was one thing, that shot into his mind and protested any thought he had of giving up. He thought about Nick again. His love was the only light shining for him. Deep inside of himself he saw it and felt its warmth.

So even though it seemed pointless to try, he wanted to live. So even though it was too late, he tried to pull his arm away from Peter. He just had to try even though his tormentor had already found a vein and was about to put in the needle. But Peter grip was firm, he had not expected Brian to fight, but he was not stupid either. He hold onto his wrist tightly against the pull and just continued pushing the needle under his skin. A second later he was pressing down on the injection, pushing its content into his vein.  
And then there was pain once more. So much pain. The sensation he felt when whatever it was Peter injected him with found its way into his blood-stream was worse than the pain coming from the broken arm. It was as if he had invited a friend, who showed up unexpectedly violent. Part of what he started feeling was known to him, making it obvious that this was indeed ketamine, but there was something else mixed with it. Something terrible. Something that made it feel like his veins were bursting from the inside, as if someone had put sulfuric acid into them. He gasped for breath as the pain made him collapse back onto the ground, where he started to squirm like a worm. It didn't help. He couldn't escape the pain like that. All he achieved through squirming was to bring his tormentor joy. He heard him cackle: “See, isn't dying fun?” and then Peter moved to lay down next to him, so that his face was only mere centimeters away from Brians. He couldn't do anything else but cry up again. He had never felt a pain as strong and it was starting to cloud his mind. It would have probably driven him mad if it had not been for the ketamine finally starting to do its thing. The last thing he saw before he lost consciousness was Peters eyes shimmering in joy an expression accompanied by an amused grin. 


	14. This Light

Patience had never been his strong point. Standing around not able to do a thing made him feel helpless and that was a feeling he didn't enjoy. And yet there was nothing else he could do, but pacing up and down the pavement in front of the club. He had called the cops, told them he was worried for his angel and they had answered, promising him to send a patrol to come. That had been five minutes ago and they still were nowhere to be seen. It made him nervous, made him question whether or not they had taken him serious. Perhaps he should not have told them his name. What if they were thinking his call had been a prank, by someone pretending to be Nick Carter? In moments like this he hated his fame. There was no time for people not believing him. If Brian really was upstairs they had to get to him, save him from whatever was happening. Whatever it was Nick couldn't imagine it being any good. They had to hurry and that urgency fueled his impatience. And yet all he could do was to pace up and down and down and back, like a mad man.

He had nearly given up already, was so close to make another call, when a familiar voice reached his ear: "Nick!" and when he turned around he saw the person that voice belonged to standing only a few meters away from him next to an SUV: AJ and he was in company. Not only Howie, but also Kevin were there standing next to Alex. Never before had he been so happy to see his band-mates. And as they started approaching him he called out to them: "Guys! Oh god guys... It's so bad...", and he couldn't hide the desperation in his voice, "We need to get him out of there." He didn't waste any time with greeting them. They simply did not have the luxury of time today. And Nick was panicking. Seemingly that was pretty evident, because as soon as they were close enough Howie put a hand onto his shoulder to calm him down, speaking gentle words: "Shh Nick! You need to tell us what happened.", of course he had to. So he tried to explain: "Brian... I fear people are hurting him in the club upstairs. Somebody told me he saw him going there." When Nick raised his head as he spoke he noticed how worried his friends were. It was written all over their faces. And they didn't even know what had made Bri become the way he was. "We need to get him out of there!", he urged them and any thoughts about the police coming were immediately forgotten. Now they were four, perhaps that meant, that they would have a better chance getting upstairs. They just had to try.

Without even waiting for an answer Nick stormed back towards the club. "Nick wait!", now it was Kev calling, but that did not make him stop walking, "We have no time.", he pushed any objections away from him. Now was not the time to talk, now they needed to act. He heard Kev sigh to his response, "Nick, I agree with you. But we need a plan.", That made him stop. Perhaps he was right. Of course they had to hurry. There was no time to wait when the possibility existed that his lover was being abused right now. But without a plan there was no way they could even make it upstairs.

When Nick turned to face Kev, the older man had already started speaking again: "Brian is my cousin, I want to get him out of harms way, too. But we can't just storm in there without using our heads. The security might just kick our butts even if we are four.", Nick sighed at Kevs remarks, "What do you think we should do then? Call the cops? Already did that, they aren't coming. Call our security? Will take too long as well.", he had already thought about all that. The oldest of the bunch fell silent, as he seemed to be thinking about what they should do as well. Surprisingly it was AJ who broke the silence: "We could distract them!", as those words were spoken all of their eyes turned to Alex. He noticed that and nodded, looking quite confident as he spoke on: "Yes, Nick!", and he turned to face him, "Howie and me could start a fight at the bar. When they come for us, you and Kev go get Brian." That was a brilliant idea. That would work. And despite Howie protesting with a "Why me?", that was exactly what they should be doing. "D, AJs right. Kev should come with me. If stuff goes haywire up there, he is the strongest of us.", Nick explained for his band-mate. It was not like there was much convincing needed. Despite not really being a fan of fighting, even Howie was ready to make some sacrifices to save their common friend. As Sweet D nodded Nick turned around again to continue his steps towards Unity-Club.

-

It was so bright. He could barely keep his eyes open when he stared at it. Burning like the sun it was the light at the end of the tunnel. He had heard so much about it, ever since he had been a child, when they had told him about god and heaven. They had told him this tunnel was the last path to the pearly gates. 

Were there angels waiting for him beyond the light? 

Brian had to find out and so he moved. Moved even though he could not feel his legs or even his muscles. It was as if he was floating. An incorporeal being that was pulled away from his body. 

Nick.

A sudden image was flashing up. A blonde man, so beautiful, he was standing there close by the light. A transparent shade like a ghost. And then suddenly he was right in front of him leaning closer. Putting those ethereal lips onto his own. At first he felt nothing from it, but then he there was the memory of a kiss. It felt so good. Warmth was washing over him. _'Don't go'_ , Nicks ghost was speaking to him, but when he looked up the shade was gone. Brian turned around to find it. Turning away from the light. Behind his back there was darkness. Thick and cloudy. Veins were protruding from it reaching for his face trying to touch him. He tried to gasp, but as he did nothing happened. He didn't feel his chest rise, he didn't feel the air fill his lungs, he felt nothing. _'I love you'_ And then there was the voice again and with it the veins of darkness pulled away and with it the curtain of sinister clouds opened. As they did, they revealed a sight that shocked him. There it was: his own body laying on the ground. It was as if a spotlight was shining down on it. His body was laying on PVC floor and there was someone next to it. 

That was not Nick, he recognized that immediately. That was not even a human being. It was a monster. Where there should be skin, there were fish scales, where there should be a mouth there was a snout, not unlike that of a wolf. And where there should be hands there were claws. Beady eyes of that creature were staring at his lifeless body. And Brian felt as if he was floating above all this.

Suddenly the monster took notice of him. It pulled its eyes away from the body and focused them on him floating above. With that thing staring at him it felt like he was being shoved back by an unknown power. It pushed him back towards the light. _'See isn't dying fun?'_ words like a growl coming from the snout of that creature, they shook his body. And with the words came the pain. He could feel it. He didn't feel his muscles or his bones, but he felt pain. It was as if the heat of a thousand stars was burning him. Brian tried to scream, but there was no sound. How could he stand this? 

The light. He had to go to the light.

And so he turned back to the promise of heaven. The light, it was still there motionless, just shining bright. As he came closer to it the pain vanished as quick as it had come. But then he heard his own voice: _'I will never leave you.'_ Memories of when he had talked to Nick. He had promised him to stay. 

But the light felt so warm.

How easy would it be just to go on through the veil? 

And yet he stayed, it took all his inner strength, but he stayed. He had to see Nick again. He had promised. But staying here meant he had to face the monster, he became aware of that when he turned around. There it was that face so ugly and evil. It was lusting for his soul. "I won't go. I won't fall to you!", he tried to shout and yet there was only silence. The fight had just begun.

-

The club was still rather empty when the four of them entered. Not much had changed since Nick had been thrown out of it. There had not really been enough time for much to change. He still saw the small crowd at the bar and he still saw security guards. Two at the back-door and one at the door to the VIP-area. That one had been the guy that had thrown him out before. They had to act quickly, before the brute noticed, that he had found his way back inside.

Luckily Alex seemed to be aware of the urgency. He started to get aggressive as soon as they entered the room "What do you think you are doing asshole?", AJ had raised his voice quite a lot as he was approaching Howie. If they wanted to make a scene, they had to do it right and Nick was impressed by Alexs acting talent. Sweet D was not half bad either. While he didn't shout back, he acted quite angry. As AJ came close to him, Howie growled and gave him a push. That was the first touch, the second came when AJ punched for Ds chest. They really were starting quite a show here. Nick felt a little bad for Howie, cause he knew how much AJs punches hurt. And while this was no real fight, they still had to make it seem real and that meant real punches. Fist were flying and things were getting rather violent, when Nick became aware that their plan seemed to be working. All three security guards left their spots to take care of the brawl happening on the dancefloor.

"Kev now!", he shot at his older band-mate in a hushed voice and moved his head to indicate the direction he wanted to go. Right afterwards, without wasting any time he started to move quickly, nearly at running pace. The plan was to stay on the west wall. That was where the dancing cages were located. If they walked past behind them, they could be largely unseen before reaching the door. And so he lead Kev past those contraptions towards the door he knew would lead them upstairs. 

Three steps to go. 

Two steps. 

One. 

They really made it, they were there. The door was in front of them and nobody had noticed them. The security guards were busy with Howie and AJ, still trying to pull them apart. Nick had to hold back not to let out a sound of happiness when he pulled down the door-handle and pushed against the door only to have it actually open towards the staircase. There was no time left to wait and so he hurried inside, Kevin right behind him. His oldest bandmate made sure to close the door behind them. This was good. Now there was finally nothing holding him back anymore. Nobody could see them here, so he started to run up the stairs into the VIP-area. Anger was rising inside of his stomach, when he imagined the things, that probably had happened here. Those were the play-rooms that Jimmy mentioned after all. 

He was so certain, that he would be able to rescue Brian right away. But when he reached the room on the top floor it was empty. For a moment he felt disappointed and afraid, that his Frick perhaps was not here after all. But when he became aware of all the doors leading away from this bar-room, he gathered new hope. They just had to continue searching. 

-

 _'Irrelevant. Unimportant. Nothing.'_ , the monster was spitting words at him like venom. Words like shards of glass cutting tiny wounds into his cheeks. It was trying to push him over the edge into the light. Wanted him to leave, go away, stop to exist. Brian had to fight it. There was someone he had to fight for. His one true love. Nick. _'Go away! You won't win.'_ , he tried to shout again, but still there was only silence. It didn't matter though as long as the monster heard him. And that it did. It showed its teeth and started licking them with its snake-like tongue. When it was done it stared him down with those eyes. Those beady eyes, black and wet, they were shimmering, showing him pictures. 

Those pictures they showed himself, his attempts at singing. He remembered it. It were memories of the day when he had realized that his failing voice was a long-lasting problem. He saw himself starting to cry, when he didn't hit the right notes. He saw himself break down.

_'IRRELEVANT'_

This time the blow hit hard, shoving him a good few meters backwards. If he had not been floating, he probably would have stumbled, but even like this he felt dizzy from it's effect. Sudden pain rushed over him when he regained composure. He felt it all around him. It was terrible and he knew that the light could make it vanish. But he couldn't give in, he had to fight it. Could he fight it? Was this the life he wanted? A life in that he could not sing? He couldn't give up. _'You won't win!'_ , he shouted voiceless. He couldn't allow himself to have dark thoughts. So he raised his head again in fighting spirit, only to find the beady eyes staring him down again.

New pictures showed themselves. They were in a conference-room, him and his band-mates. They were talking about the new album 'In A World Like This'. They were talking about the songs to make it onto the album. One picture faded into the other and suddenly Nick was shouting at him. He was shouting because of his voice and how it was making problems for all of them. It hurt so much to remember it. Not only because Nick had told the truth, but also because he had to be the one to shout at him. Him shouting at him, it hurt twice as much as if Kev, Howie or AJ would have done it.

_'UNIMPORTANT'_

The monster was fighting strong. The pain increased so much, that he could swear he could hear it drumming in his ears. Doubts started to fill his mind. Would he even be missed if he was gone? Nick had said he used to be afraid of him. Perhaps he still was. Perhaps he only said he loved him, because of that fear? Nobody needed him now, did they? Perhaps he should go to the light. Brian shook his head, those images, he had to fight them with all his might. _'Shut up!'_ , he shaped the words with his lips and raised his head yet again.

Dark eyes met him and gave room for different pictures. These hit him as soon as he became aware what they showed. He was in Unity, in the upstairs room. There they were, the masked people. They were laughing, they were touching, they were raping. And with each violent act he saw another shard hit him. Those shards they had become so big, that they left deeper and deeper cuts. When he heard the last word, he felt as if he was finally broken.

_'NOTHING'_

What sense did it make to continue fighting? What sense did it make, when all he once was, had been taken apart by those people? Was there anything of him left at all? Had he not died long ago already? When the pain increased again it nearly overwhelmed him stinging in his head like crazy.

The light. He had to get to the light. It was his savior, his escape.

So he turned around and started to move. Closer and Closer towards the end of the tunnel. Until he heard it.

_'I love you'_

And as he heard it another light appeared. A light so much brighter than the one leading to his end. A light so bright it was shining like a prism in all colors of the rainbow. And right at the center of that light was the shape of his angel: Nick. He saw that shade come closer. And when ghostly Nick reached him he put his arms around him. Protectively that shining angel was staring the monster down. This fight wasn't over. Not now that Nicks light had come to save him

-

They had opened door after door without finding anybody inside the rooms they revealed. The tension coming from his stomach was so thick he could nearly touch it. With each empty room he felt as if he was being knocked down a notch. Yet still if there was only the tiniest of chances that Brian was here, they couldn't give up. So they kept going. Nick from the left side and Kevin from the right. Whoever owned the club must have been rather arrogant to believe, that nobody could make it up here. None of the rooms were locked. Not even the one that finally lead to what they were looking for.

When Nick pulled the handle of the next door to make it swing open he did not expect it. But then he saw him. He was suddenly right there, laying on the PVC floor. Behind that door in a narrow storage room he could see the person he worried for so much: Brian. Had he not been motionless, Nick might have felt relieved. But with his angel laying there like a corpse, there was only one emotion he felt: fear. No, he couldn't be dead. He simply couldn't. 

He couldn't.

That was the first thing that came to his mind, long before he even noticed another person standing further back inside of the room. "So you came!", it was only the voice that really made him aware that somebody else was here. A person whose voice sounded deep and amused, was standing half hidden behind one of the shelves on the other side of the room. Nick gasped when he noticed that same person pointing a gun at him. 9mm, Glock. "You better let me go, if you want to see another day.", it was a threat, but a threat of a person that was cornered. He felt the anger rising again, as he became aware, that this was the person, who was at fault for Brians current state of being. That man was the reason, he was laying on the ground now. There was nothing he wanted more than to punch the life out of this motherfucker. And yet, he hold back. With a gun pointed at his head, there was not much he could do but to comply. 

"Go then!", Nick heard himself spit out and made a step away from the door-frame. All that counted for now was that Brian was safe. They had to rescue him. It was not that he didn't care what happened to Brians tormentor, but it was only the second most important thing right now. So he allowed him to go, to leave, to run away. And that bastard didn't wait to start moving. As he moved past him out of the door, Nick had already given up on his revenge for today. What neither of them had expected though was Kevin. 

He had heard everything, but had kept himself in the background. So the man with the gun had not seen him when he shot out of the door. That mistake was costly. Because as soon as the man passed Nick, Kevin tackled him down from the side. While the man tried to defend with his gun, it was useless. Kev had him pinned to the ground quickly and was holding firmly onto the hand with the weapon. His other hand was clenched into a fist and started to hammer down onto that mans face. Soon the bastard was bleeding from the nose, but even that did not make Kev stop. He was furious. 

Nick was sure, that he would continue beating him even if he fell unconscious, but he didn't dwell on that thought for long. There was something more important to take care of. So he stormed into the room towards Brian, falling onto his knees and gathering his limp body up. He grabbed him beneath the shoulders and pulled his body up towards his chest. "Brian, I'm here now.", he called to him, hoping for him to wake up. Brian did not, not even his eyelids twitched. "Bri, wake up.", he called a bit louder, feeling desperate. His heart was hurting seeing him in this state. Was he dead? He brought his ear down towards his lovers lips. He tried to hear him breathing. As he didn't hear anything he got scared. No, he couldn't be dead! He wouldn't allow it. Then there it was, breathing so shallow he had not even noticed it at first. 

While he was relieved that Brian was alive, he was also very much aware of the fact, that he was still in danger. With breathing that shallow it was obvious that he was closer to the land of the dead, than to the land of the living. He had to get him out of here and he had to do that fast. So with that thought in mind he put Bri down, so that he could stand up and pick him up again. When he did, he was once again shocked how light he was. That only increased his fear. With Bris body being tortured like that, he was really scared that he might not survive this. Sadness overwhelmed him together with the fear of losing the person he loved. A single tear found it's path down his cheek dropping down onto Brians face, running down his lip. "You can't die on me Frick, I love you.", he told him and he didn't care if Kevin heard it or not. When he passed him, he didn't even pay attention to him. His eyes were locked on Brians face, so beautiful despite being so pale.

Only as he made it past the door leading downstairs his attention was caught by something else. There were people here. Surprised by that he twitched lightly before pulling Brian closer to his chest. "LAPD, don't move!" So the cops had finally come.


	15. Awaken

It had taken some time for the cops to arrive, but when they finally did, they had done their job right away. After the first patrol had assessed the situation, they had called for backup. By the time the ambulance arrived the place was already swarming with cops. They had locked the place, ushered out the guests and they were questioning both: everybody who worked here and Nicks band-mates. Nick knew they would eventually come to ask him questions as well, but right now they were thankfully giving him and Brian space. 

Brian. 

He didn't stop worrying about him. When he had reached the lower floor, he had put him down on one of the couches on the west wall. Somewhere where his body could rest as comfy as was possible in this place. It was the only thing he could do, while waiting for medical help to arrive. The cops had been quick to call for it, when they had seen the state Bri was in. Everything about his motionless body screamed emergency. From the worrying body weight over the pale complexion of his skin to the shallow breathing, that was barely noticeable. So when the ambulance came it was no surprise to see the medical staff increase their speed, as soon as they entered the club and became aware of Brian. 

Nick didn't move away from his Frick. He was sitting by his side, he even was giving him his lap as a cushion. That made sure that he was a little bit more comfy and it gave Nick the chance to gently trace the back of his fingers along the shape of Bris cheeks. A motion he kept up, even as the doctor finally reached them. “What happened?”, the question that left the doctors mouth was trained. He had to assess the situation and to do that he had to ask questions. Nick knew that, but the question still weighed heavily on his heart. What DID happen? He wasn't exactly sure. They had found an empty syringe upstairs and it had been obvious Brian had been injected something through it. He also had noticed the broken arm, that was looking terrible hanging in an unnatural position. But still he was certain, that was only the surface level of a deep mine if it came to the question of what had happened. And yet he spoke: “He's on drugs. Probably ketamine.”, he pointed at the empty syringe laying on the table nearby, “And his arm is broken.”, then he sighed, “But what happened, I can't tell you.”, he was shocked how neutral and calm his own voice sounded. He felt anything but that.

Nick didn't feel calm. His emotions were much more complex. There was anger for the man that had put his beautiful angel into this state. Frustration with himself for not having been able to take better care of him. Fury for the things that happened to Brian, when he wasn't there to protect him. Sadness, that a person so gentle had needed to walk a path leading through hell. Most of all however there were fear and helplessness. Fear, that he might lose something so important to him and helplessness, because there was nothing he could do, but watch passively. 

Watch as the medical staff started to do their work. They had come pulling in a bed onto which they moved Brian, taking him away from Nicks side and lap. For a moment he wanted to just hold onto him, not ready to let him go again. But then he realized, that the medics wouldn't hurt him. This was for the best, they needed to take care of him. Nobody else could help him now but a good doctor. And so he kept observing. Observing as they secured him on the bed. Observing as they put cables and devices onto him, that in the ambulance they could hook up to computers reading his vital signs. They were preparing him for transport and Nick was ready to follow, wherever they took him. So when they were done and started to push the bed, he stood up from his seat as well. “You are planning to come along then I assume?”, one of the medics asked him. The only response he got was a nod.

And so they made their way to Unitys back exit. They had to. Ever since the cops had locked the place rumors had started to spread. And in LA rumors spread fast. Howie had already called their management, because he expected the Paparazzi and reporters to show up any moment. Nick didn't know if they had already arrived. He assumed they had. As soon as they would have heard there was an altercation involving the Backstreet Boys, they would have wanted to hurry to get the first pictures. While leaving through the back door didn't guarantee not being caught by paparazzi it was still their best bet. And yet Nick pulled the hood of his jacket up over his head in an attempt to hide himself just a little. He was about to dive out of the club into the fresh breeze of the evening, when Kevin called to him from a spot, where he was talking to one of the cops. “Nick, please call me, when you are at the hospital. Alright?”, as Kevin spoke he looked worried, more even than he had looked when he had first arrived in Santa Monica. Nick could see, that he had cried and he could not blame him for it. He had always been pretty emotional and seeing Brian like this had shaken all of them. For Kevin Brian was more than a colleague as well, that he had in common with Nick. Different to him that special connection was based on blood relation though. They were cousins, that meant something. It was nothing close to the bond Nick himself had with Bri through love, but it still meant a lot. 

Of course that did not mean, that Howie or AJ didn't care. Quite the opposite, over the years they all had become family in some way. Five brothers. That's what they had called themselves before. And nobody enjoyed seeing their brother suffer. Nick knew, that if the cops weren't so determined to keep his band-mates here for questioning, they would have come along as well. But as things were, they had to stay. In a way, that was a good thing. If they stayed they could make sure, that the guy responsible for all this was brought to justice. He had seen that the cops had handcuffed the man earlier, but he was uncertain what happened to him after that. It was not like he had a chance to think much about it either. Not when Brian was on the verge of dying and needed him so much.

Brian needed him. So after simply nodding to Kevs question, he hurried to catch up to the medical staff. 

They were just pushing Brians bed into the back of the ambulance. One of the medics was putting a breathing mask onto his angels face, while another made sure to hook him up to the monitors. It was pretty hectic and none of them gave any attention to Nick as he sneaked past them to take a seat near Brians bed in the vehicle. Hands were moving quickly. Someone was looking to find a vein on Bris unbroken arm, while another person was putting some kind of temporary cast around the broken one. It made Nick lightly nervous to watch it, since the speed in which the medics worked told something about the urgency of the situation. “Will he survive?”, Nick didn't even think about that question. When it came to his mind he just asked it. The person working on Bris arm looked at him just for a second, as he answered he already was continuing his work: “Can't tell you. But we are doing our best.” It was at that moment, that they finally finished hooking Brian to the monitors. A constant rhythmical beeping sound started to fill the place. The doctor traveling with the medics looked at it. “Oxygen levels are low, heartbeat slow.”, he signaled for one of the medics to prepare an injection of something. Nick thought it was adrenaline, but he couldn't be sure, since he had no idea about how medicine worked. 

All this was making him terribly worried and it took a whole lot of inner strength to not run over to Brian and take his hand. “What is your name?”, one of the medics probably had noticed his tension and started to try distracting him as the ambulance finally started to drive. "Nick.", he gave a rather to-the-point answer but kept his focus on Brian, "Listen Nick. We will do our very best for your friend. Are you gonna be alright?", the older man was speaking softly, obviously trying to calm him down a little. While he appreciated the effort, he did not really feel like he could calm down until he could be sure Brian would survive. So he answered honestly "I don't know.", looking back to his Frick he noticed the doctor starting to examine his frail body. "I will be fine if Brian survives.", he huffed, "Fuck these stupid drugs." As he heard the siren starting to wail the medic finished putting the broken arm into the cast. Then as it was done he moved closer to Nick in order to continue the conversation: "How long has he been taking?", he paused for a moment before speaking on, "And if you know, what has he been taking?" Nick couldn't help but sigh at those questions, he knew the answers, but that did not make it better. He hated that they had to be asked at all. It was still hard to accept that Brian took drugs at all, so talking about what kind of drugs and how long, felt difficult: "Well I don't know exactly how long, but not longer than half a year. And what he took.", he sighed, "He once said coke, Ecstasy, LSD, Speed and Ketamine.", as he looked back up to the graying mans face, he noticed him starting to frown. "Well, that is a lot. You know we will have to put him into our rehab facilities, when he wakes up.", the man explained and Nick nodded. "Yes, I didn't want to take that decision away from him, but it seems we have no other choice now. Will he survive then?", he asked with renewed hope, but the medic didn't smile as he spoke again: "I don't know, we will try our best. It sure seems like he is on ketamine, but there is something off. We need to run a scan of what's left in that syringe." Nick sighed at those words. If he had only brought Bri into rehab right away. Then he wouldn't be in this state right now. He should have known better. In a way he felt guilty for all that had happened. And so as a disappointed: "I see.", escaped his lips, he turned his head to face the ground. 

-

Warmth, gentle warmth, like that of a sweet summer day was surrounding him as he was laying in the arms of Nicks radiating shade. He had nearly forgotten about the monster behind his back, all about it. Brian had given himself to tranquility and he enjoyed every second of it. If it had been possible, he would have stayed where he was for all eternity, but he still was standing on the edge of the light and there was still a monster attacking him.

 _'He doesn't love you'_ , it was still calling to him and even though he couldn't see its eyes anymore it was still able to lure out his dark thoughts. Now those were images of a past long ago, when he had been in hospital to get heart-surgery. Nick had been his best friend at the time and Brian had so hoped for him to show up and visit. He had waited day and night for him to show up. Before his surgery as well as after his surgery. He had waited for him, so he could give him strength and comfort. He had wanted him to care if he was going to be alright. But Nick had not come. Nobody had come to see him on their own devices. Sure Kevin had showed up, but only to do his mother a favor. How lonely he had felt at that time. Loneliness he had since welcomed back into his life half a year ago. An emotion that was eating at him. 

The monster had played its card right, those images touched him again. They planted the seed of doubt and the brightness of Nicks shade decreased a bit. _'Is it true?'_ , he asked looking up to the image of his angels face. _'No, it's not I love you.'_ , he answered in an ethereal voice and yet doubt was clawing for Brian: _'Then why did you not come? I needed you!'_ , he complained speaking out words that he had not dared to release all those years ago. As his reproaches reached the shade its expression became pain-written, guilty: _'I was too young to understand. But I'm with you now. I'm here with you.'_ , words spoken as an apology. They reached his heart, but they didn't take away the pain. There were too many hurt feelings he had fostered for decades. Those were strong emotions and they weren't easy to overcome.

Nevertheless Nicks shade didn't seem to give up on him. As if fueled by a new fire, he focused his eyes on the monster. _'I love him, you are his pain. Go away!'_ , he heard that determined shouting in his head, felt the passion in which it was spoken and saw how the prism of his angels shine grew brighter again. 

Of course he was speaking the truth, the monster wanted him to die. The monster showed him dark images, it wanted him to suffer. It was even cackling after hearing those words, a cruel and vile sound that was echoing in his head, even though it never had reached his ear. And yet it seemed so confident to get him. 'You already lost him. Shall we ask the voices in his head?', the monsters words were venom and as it spit them out, he spit them against his angel. Spit them with such strength that Nicks shade was blown away. Vanished just like the light leading to heaven. Both were gone now. All that was left was darkness and the monster. And as his light vanished so did the warmth, leaving his incorporeal self shivering in nothingness. 

-

When they had reached the hospital the medical staff had wasted no time to push Brian away into a room, where they could take care of him. As they did, they left Nick standing in the hallway, separated from his beloved Frick by double-doors. Thirty minutes ago, they left him here standing helplessly and plagued by worries that entangled his heart. It hurt so much to think about the possibility of Brian dying. And yet he could not keep his mind away from that thought. No matter what he did to distract himself nothing made him feel better. But still he kept trying. When nothing else helped, he decided to give Kevin the promised call. Dialing his number quickly he brought the phone up to his ear.

_*Beep... Beep...*_

"Hello Nick.", the response came quick and Kevin sounded nervous, even with just those two words spoken. "You wanted me to call. So, we are in Santa Monica General Hospital right now. They took Brian to some room. I dunno....", Nick spoke well aware, that he sounded sad and desperate. As he finished his words, he let himself fall down on one of the seats, "Kev are you and the guys coming? I'm afraid.", he paused since he didn't want to say what he was afraid of. He didn't want to provoke fate by saying that he was afraid Brian could die. Kevin was silent for a moment, too. As he spoke again it seemed to Nick as if he could hear tears in that voice: "Don't be... please. You...", he sobbed, "We need to be hopeful. You know Brian. He's stubborn. He'll survive this.", it were words spoken in determination, but Nick wasn't sure how much Kev believed in them. Perhaps he was just saying them to make them both feel better. But who was he to break that illusion of hope? "Yeah, you are right. He'll make it. He has to, because...", he stopped himself from saying the rest, but Kevin finished his sentence, "Because you love him." For a moment Nick froze, he had forgotten, that Kev had heard that. He had not even paid him any attention, when they had been up in Unity. So these words hit him as a surprise. He couldn't even give an answer, cause he wasn't sure what Kevin thought about it. Not until the older man spoke on: "Nick. I know you love him. I have known for some time and I know he loves you too. Only a blind man would not have been able to see that. It's good that you finally found out as well." Once again he was surprised, but this time that came with a feeling of relieve. "You knew?", Nick finally spoke even though his question was a rhetorical one: "Well, I do love him. And... I don't want to loose him.", he looked towards the double doors as he spoke: "And I won't loose him Kev. I won't. Not now, Not ever. I.... just can't!", he was speaking with determination, but he couldn't stop tears from taking shape in his eyes. What if he did die? What if his love died? He knew, that would break him. "You won't. Nick we are on our way. Please take care of Brian til we are there.", and with those words Kev just ended the call leaving Nick back alone on his seat.

Kevin was right, he had to believe in Brian. He couldn't think about him dying. Since that was a thing that simply couldn't happen. There were so many things he still had to tell him. There were so many things they still had to do. There were so many things he wanted to feel together with him. Love, Passion, Trust. Feelings he had not felt with anyone else before. Brian simply couldn't die. So he had to believe in him, send him all the strength he had left. 

"Are you Nick Carter?", a sudden female voice drew him from his thoughts and as Nick raised his head he noticed a nurse, that had stepped up towards him. "Yes.", he spoke and the woman nodded, as if she had not even needed that word for confirmation as soon as she saw his face, "Your friend is waking up. I'm supposed to bring you to him."

-

Darkness was enclosing around him, grabbing at him with vein-ridden tentacles. Reaching for his skin trying to grab it. And from the distance he could see the monster watching him, still cackling. _'Listen, Listen'_ , it called to him invoking the voices in his head. They didn't take long to appear _'Coward, inept coward'_ the first voice was taunting him _'You are so ugly and you can't sing.'_ , the next voice joined in speaking in a melodic fashion. _'Nobody loves you'_ , another voice _'Idiot, skeletal bitch.'_ and another. 

Words were being shot at him, one by one, like the shards earlier those were cutting deep wounds. The callings came from all direction and it felt like they were starting to dance around him. Laughing, taunting, insulting and dancing, getting louder and louder. Brian felt the need to scream, but as he tried one of the tentacles of darkness grabbed his mouth holding it close. And as it did the voices got shapes, morphing into clones of the same monster that had been taunting him from the beginning. They were going at him. One by one they attacked him with there claws. Cutting into his soul, opening wounds, causing him pain. He didn't know how long he could take this. He felt like they were taking him apart once and for all. They were good at it too until finally it just stopped. 

Suddenly the clawing was gone, suddenly the voices were and suddenly he heard the monster scream. As all that happened it was like a wave of prism light washed through the darkness, surrounding him. And as the light surrounded him he saw Nicks shade again, holding out his hand. Without hesitation he grabbed it allowing him to pull him away. He had found him again. Nick had found him. This time he wouldn't let him go. And as the shade of Nick pulled him up towards the sky, Brian woke from his slumber.

"Brian! Can you hear me?", finding the way back to reality was difficult. The dream was already forgotten, but even though Brian was waking up, he had a hard time getting his orientation back. As he opened his eyes he was greeted by the brightness of the hospitals ceiling lamps. Where was he? The beeping of a monitor close by quickly helped him answer that question. A hospital. Why was he here? He couldn't remember, as much as he tried. But there had been a voice. "Brian.", and there it was again, it sounded relieved and as Brian turned his head he saw the person who was speaking.

"Nick.", and a smile found its way onto his lips as he spoke that name: "My angel.", and he wanted to reach out with a hand to touch him, but when he tried, he noticed that he could not. That arm he tried to move it was put in a cast. What had happened? 

-

Nick sobbed lightly in relieve as he noticed Brian waking up. He was obviously dopey from the pain medication they were giving him through an IV bag, but his love was alive. No matter how dopey he was, he was awake and he could recognize him. That was important. Now he could take care of him properly and right now he wanted to touch him. So he moved the chair, that was standing next to the bed a little bit closer to it. Then he just reached out to cradle Brians cheek gently. "I'm so happy you are alive.", and then he leaned even closer to put a single kiss on the corner of Bris lips. Of course he got a smile as an answer. A smile and another confused look. It was obvious his lover had no clue what was going on. "You are in a hospital. You ran away, and got hurt.", he didn't want to go into the details. While he tried to explain what happened, he wanted to avoid giving Bri the shock of his life, and yet there was something he had to tell him "Don't be scared, but you will find that you are tied to your bed." They indeed had done that and given Brians drug problem, that probably was the best they could do. If he went into withdrawal again, he would try to flee and they couldn't allow that to happen. Brian looked a little bit aghast when he realized, that Nicks words had been true, but so far he at least didn't protest. Perhaps he knew why it had to be done. "Don't worry about it, I will be by your side. Right here next to your bed. You won't get away from me this time.", he tried to sound a little bit jokey, but he was still shaken from all that happened. Still Brian gave him a light smile at those words. 

He seemed to have trouble finding words to speak on his own. At least he seemed to be thinking a lot, before he finally said something: "Nick, can you hold me?", it was a simple request and yet it filled Nicks heart with happiness. "Of course I will.", and with those words spoken he stood up and with a quick motion crawled into Bris bed, taking the spot next to him. This was the way it had to be when he wanted to hold and cuddle him properly. As he was finally laying next to Brian he put his right arm around him, careful not to press onto the broken arm. And then just like that he pulled himself close to his love, putting another gentle kiss onto his temple. "I love you.", he whispered and gave Brian a soft smile.


	16. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time writing this Chapter, since there is not much happening in it but dialogue. I still hope you enjoy reading it.

How strange it felt. Here he was to laying in a bed next to the person he loved, and yet he was unable to touch him. No matter how much he wanted to feel that ivory skin with his fingers, there was nothing he could do. One of his arms was broken and the other was bound firmly to the bed. Additionally they had tightened a belt around his stomach to secure him even more. Restrained like this, he could hardly move at all. The only thing he really could do was to turn his head towards his lover. Part of him wanted to get agitated and angry about being restricted like that, but right now he was too confused for it. He still couldn't remember what had happened, much less why it had put him into the hospital. It was like his memories were erased. While he knew that to be one of the side-effects ketamine could have it still felt strange. Did he even take the drug this time? His mind was dwelling on it and he would have frowned, had there not been the fact, that Nick was so close to him. Not only did that calm him down quite a bit, it also was able to make him feel just a little bit better. Nick was so close in fact, that their foreheads touched one another. So close that it was hard to make out his expression.

So it came as a surprise when he heard him sobbing. For a second he was unsure if he even had heard right, but as Nick used one arm to wipe across his eyes he was certain. He was crying and that was probably the reason he hid his face like that. “Hey, don't cry.”, there was some shock in Brians voice, because he didn't understand where those tears were coming from. If only he could have used his hands to caress Fracks face, but his shackles were tight. “I can't...”, he heard Nick say and it seemed like he was only crying more, “I was so... so afraid to loose you. Honestly, I was sure you already were gone.”, he paused and leaned a little bit backwards, revealing that tear-stained face of his. It was still beautiful, but he didn't like to see that sadness. “Please never leave me again. You... can't... I won't allow it.”, Brian tilted his head lightly after Nick spoke those words. The determination in which they were spoken and the protectiveness they carried made him blush lightly. It was charming to have someone care for him like that and immediately he was longing to be closer to his angel again. He wanted to feel his warmth and if there was a chance, he wanted to comfort him as well. With that wish in mind he tried to lean up against Nick. Sadly the belts holding Brian in place prevented him from getting far. So after a moment of struggling he gave up trying and allowed his head to fall back onto the pillow.

"Bri, if you had died... I don't think I would have been able to continue living either.", it was hard to hear his Frack say those things. Had he really been that close to death? “I don't remember what happened.”, he addressed the issue he had with the whole situation. Still he tried to give Nick a gentle smile, trying to cheer him up, before speaking: “But I know I'm not dead. And... leaving doesn't seem to be an option anyway.”, he spoke in slight joking fashion and attempted to lift his bound arm, as if to demonstrate that he indeed couldn't leave. The arm was still hold in its place, he could only move it mere centimetres. Still, even if it was sad, the joking tone Brian had put on made Nick give half a chuckle. But that short-lived sound was not enough to lighten the mood. As Nick spoke again, his sorrows seemed to be back as well “I'm sorry it has to be that way. But... right now... I think it's for the best. We can't trust you to stay here otherwise.”, he moved his hand to poke a finger against Brians forehead, “The drugs have done you pretty badly up there. They will make you want to run. So we need to keep you here until you can think clearly again.” Those words were true and for that reason Brian sighed.

It was not nice to be restricted like that, but he knew nobody could keep him here otherwise if the withdrawal symptoms set in. Not even Nick. It didn't matter how strongly he loved him, because the drugs and the alcohol had destroyed the chemical balance in his body. Right now his body couldn't function properly without those substances and that would make instinct kick in when the withdrawal started. It wasn't going to be easy to change that either, he knew that. If they really put him on cold turkey like that, denying him all those drugs he had been taking over the last few months, then days if not weeks of suffering lay ahead of him. Knowing that made him afraid. 

More than anything else he was scared, that his withdrawal would destroy the budding relationship he had with Nick. What if it made him treat the other badly? He didn't want that to happen, but he wasn't sure if he could be able to prevent it. “I am scared, Nick. You can't stay here. What if I shout at you or.... do something wrong... or...?”, Brian sighed and started to panic lightly as there were so many things coming to his mind he thought he could do. Nick noticed and in response moved closer again attempting to calm him down. “You may shout, you may struggle, you may do anything. I will be by your side, no matter what.", when Nick paused his speech he used one hand to move a single strand of hair away from Bris face. After months without going to the barber his hair had grown rather long. So the fact, that Nick moved the strand that had been hanging halfway across his right eye, was a welcome gesture. Before he spoke on the tall blonde gave him the most beautiful of smiles: "I know it will be hard and I know you might not be yourself for a while. But if that is what I have to endure order to rescue the man I love, if that is what it takes, then I am more than willing to do it.", once again he paused to move the hand that had been moving the strand down along his cheek. Brian wondered what Nick was thinking. Just like his hair, his beard had not been taken care of either. It was sprouting kind of wildly out of his face. That was something Brian did not really like about himself right now, but he had not really cared enough about it or himself to change it yet. He wondered how Nick felt about it. A question that was left unanswered, when the blonde spoke on in an attempt to comfort him: "You don't have to be afraid. I'm at your side. No matter if times are good or bad. I'm here. That's how it should be.”, those words spoken by Nick, they were all so well chosen. And while they sounded like a speech, they seemed to come from his heart. He truly meant it and it was that conviction that was able to soothe Brians worries just a little bit.

Those words, they made him truly believe in his Frack and they made him fall in love all over again. How could he not love somebody, who was fighting for him with every fiber of his body. Who loved him so much, that he wanted to stay with him even when he was at his worst. Brian loved Nick for so many reasons and his determination to keep him safe was one of them. That love gave him hope, gave him strength, gave him something to live for. And it made him so thankful that god had created such a perfect being just for him. There was only one thing he wanted to do now in order to show Nick how much this all meant to him. He wanted to kiss him. And with Nick being closer again, that indeed was a possibility. As he noticed that, he didn't even hesitate to move his head the little bit he could. He could move it just enough and he did. A moment later his face was right next to that of his lover. For a mere second he paused to take in the sight of Nicks beauty, then with a tilt of his head he moved in to put his lips onto Nicks.  
It felt so good just to have them rest there for a second, to feel their texture. Right now they felt pretty dry but still he didn't want to part from them. And yet he did in order to present his lover with another smile. It was the only thing he could gift him right now. But he did not pause the kiss for long. He wanted to taste more of that sweet angel. And thus he opened his mouth lightly just to bring it close again. When his lips reached Nicks mouth, he put them around the blondes lower lip. Brian started to suckle and pull on it lightly, showing the longing he had for that love. When Nick produced a soft satisfied hum in response Brian couldn't help but to grin lightly into the kiss. He loved it. It showed, that Nick was enjoying this just as much as he did himself. And it showed, that he was giving him positive emotions. When he heard that hum, he knew Nick felt just like he did. He wanted this to keep on lasting. And with that in mind Brian just went for it. Using his tongue to split those sweet lips apart he was opening a way into Nicks mouth. When he found his way inside Brians tongue met that of his lovers. It had been expecting him and soon started that loving dance of their passionate kiss. Brian closed his eyes and yet it was as if he could see sparks flying between them, as they were discovering one another in this new way. Taking in each others taste felt so good and Brian did not want it to stop. He didn't want to part from the tall blonde. Neither did Nick want to part from him. If it had been up to them, they could have stayed like that for an eternity. But good things never lasted forever and when a sudden knock on the door reached their ears, they begrudgingly pulled away from each other.

It was better that way. No one knew about their relationship yet and right here on a hospital bed was not the place to reveal it. So Brian wasn't angry, when Nick jumped from the bed to sit back down onto the chair. It would have been awkward, if he had not reacted that quickly, because even before Brian could speak a single word, the door opened. When a tall, dark-haired doctor stepped into the room, he wondered if he should complain about that rudeness. As he realized though, that this was normal in hospitals he forgot about his annoyance.

"Good, you seem to be awake now.", were the first words the man in the white gown told him. Then with a side-look sent towards Nick he asked: "I'm Dr. Hill. Do you mind your friend being here, when I talk about your medical state?", without even needing to think Brian shook his head. If Nick stayed here, he could make him feel better, even if the news would be dire. So with a soft spoken: "He can stay.", he looked back to the doctor expectantly. "Alright so... We needed to wash your blood. We did a scan of the substance you injected and it contained poison and sand grain sized glass splinters.", Brian widened his eyes hearing those words, "What happened?", it was just out of instinct that those words left his mouth. He just needed to know how stuff like that got into his blood-stream: "Well, we don't know. Perhaps your friend does.", and as the doctor said that they both turned their attention towards Nick. His lover sighed: "I don't know for sure either, but we found you inside of Unity. Upstairs in whatever hellhole that guy has built up there.", Brian frowned at the words 'that guy'. So Nick knew about Peter? "Kev and I found you laying on the ground next to that syringe and that Peter guy was watching you.", he huffed obviously still angry, "Kev beat the living hell out of him though. So that's good." Nick smiled, but Brian felt shocked more than anything. Kev had been there too? Did they all know about his struggle now? Where were they now? All those questions were popping into his mind, but they were pushed away quickly with the sudden realization that Peter had tried to kill him. He gasped when through that it became clear to him, that he really was lucky to be alive. "Where is Peter now?", it was the most obvious question he had to ask. If the guy was still free to roam L.A. they both were in danger. "Well I assume the cops took him." Nicks response should have calmed him down and yet entirely new worries came up inside of his head. "The cops? There were cops involved? Oh Nick, please tell me nothing got out to the press!", Brian looked at the younger man hopefully, but he only sighed. A sigh that told him, that this news had indeed caught the interest of journalists. "Fuck. They...", he wanted to say something but Nick quickly interjected: "It does not matter Bri. What matters is for you to recover." Now it was Brians turn to huff, while he knew that Nick was right, this was still a result he had wanted to avoid. 

He already wanted to voice another complaint, when the doctor spoke up in support of his Frack: "He's right, your task is to recover now. You need to put all your thoughts onto that. While we were able to wash your blood, you still have several other issues." Other issues? With those two words the doctor had caught his attention again, "You are severely anorexic and judging from what your friend told us, you are addicted to several substances." While Brian didn't know how to feel about the fact, that Nick had told the doctor about his drug abuse, he didn't say a word, not even when the doctor stepped closer to take a position next to his bed. "That in itself is already a problem with a healthy person, but you have a medical history involving heart surgery and while it is not highly probable, there is still the possibility that your drug abuse did some damage to your system.", Brian felt as if he was hit straight in the face when he heard that. His heart? He didn't want to imagine going through the fear of open heart surgery again. For a moment he felt like sobbing, but when Nick touched his shoulder, after obviously noticing the change in his expression, he managed to hold back on that. "For now we have done the first tests and your heart seems fine, but we still want to do additional tests to be certain.", those words seemed to be more positive and yet the shock of his heart being brought up was still sitting in his bones. Perhaps he should have cared about that earlier. He cursed himself for his self-hatred, even as he became aware, that hating himself for hating himself was pretty ironic. How and when had he forgotten, that life was worth living? And when had he remembered it was? His eyes traveled to face Nick, who seemed just as worried as he was. When their eyes met the tall blonde squeezed Brians shoulder lightly. But Brian could still only speak with a sad look upon his face: "Do... do I have to be scared?", he asked the doctor, who sighed in response: "You probably are fine. But we can't be certain unless we do those tests. Try not to worry too much about it. It's easier said than done, I know. But even if there is further damage, you will need all your fighting-spirit and just being sad about it won't help you.", the words the doctor gave him were pretty clear and Brian agreed with them. He really had to fight, couldn't give up and yet he couldn't forget about his worries completely. And as Brian raised his voice again there was a certain degree of urgency in his voice: "Do those tests then.", he demanded and watched Dr. Hill respond with a nod: "We will and as soon as those are done you will be put into our rehab facilities. Things will be difficult for a few days, but I'm sure you are aware of that?" Yes, he was, but it still was good to have the doctor explain what they planned to do with him. Rehab then. He eyed Nick again for a moment. Rehab was good, it was what he needed to do not only for himself, but also for the people who loved him and cared about him. So with a soft: "Alright.", he agreed to the doctors plan. 

"So how are you feeling currently?", the doctor asked while having a look at the IV bag, whichs contents had emptied a while ago. As he started removing it carefully Brian responded: "Felt a bit drowsy, but I'm better now." Dr. Hill gave him a smile and nodded: "Yes, we put you on strong pain medication, that's why you felt that way.", he finished with the bag and pulled the stand, that hold it up towards him. "A nurse will come by to check for your pulse later. So far you seem to be doing better, than we expected." Brian had to chuckle at that. Better than expected? He was restrained on a hospital bed. He wasn't sure how that counted as anything good. But if it came to having pain, the doctor was right. Then again, there was nothing that could throw him off the track that easily. Nick knew that, too and that was why the younger man was the one to answer: "Brian is a fighter, you'll see. He will be out of here in no time!", did he really believe that? Did he trust in his strength that much? It was nice to hear it and maybe he was speaking the truth. But if he was strong, it was only because Nick was here with him. The doctor nodded at Nicks words, then turned around: "If you say so. Would be good if you are right.", he then started to walk towards the door turning around when he reached it, "I am done here for now, but your band-mates are waiting outside. They want to see you. I wanted to check on you before letting them in." Brian gasped. Mixed emotions were filling his heart after hearing that revelation. Of course he loved his band-brothers but at the same time, he was worried about what they had to say about his state. And then there was the fact, that he had slammed AJ over the head with a lamp, the last time he saw him. He could remember that. And yet, there was no way he could just leave them standing outside. He had to welcome them. And he allowed the doctor to do it with a soft: "Let them in.", even though he felt nervous immediately.

Dr. Hill didn't respond with words, he just nodded and walked out of the room leaving the door open. It didn't take long for him to leave and it did even take less time for his band-mates to enter the room. First one to step in was Kevin, whose worries he could read clearly on his expression. Behind him Howie stepped in along with AJ, whose weight he was supporting. Both of them had bruises all over their face, but Alex also had a bandage around his head. What had happened to them? Of course he could remember attacking AJ, but he had not left him this much of a mess and Howie had not even been around when that happened. "Hey cousin, what mess have you gotten yourself into now?", only as Kevin spoke was he able to pull his attention away from the other two. That question was a rhetoric one and yet he answered it: "Uh... long story.", it felt awkward to speak with anyone but Nick about it. Not, that he didn't trust the other three, but his Frack had a special connection to him and even he had needed to work a little to get words out of him. Still there were things he had not even told Nick. 

Kevin however didn't seem to be interested in prying. In fact he didn't even say any more words for now. Instead he stepped closer to give him a soft hug as he reached the bed. Only as he leaned back did he speak again: "So, you and Nick, huh?", Brian had expected Kev to say anything but that. It shocked him to hear it and made him gasp. The expression on his face must have looked pretty hilarious because both Howie and AJ started to giggle. Did Nick tell them? With a quick look to his lover he didn't get an answer, but he saw that he blushed and brought his hands up to his face to hide it. As he finally looked back to Kev, he found him smirking. It was AJ however who started to speak again "C'mon Bri, it's not like you were any good in hiding your emotions.", he called over to him, "You never were.", Kevin interjected, before Alex could finish his sentence, "We knew that you guys had a thing for another for like an eternity. At least since the Black & Blue promotion tour, when you guys constantly were spooning on the plane." He sounded so amused, but as even Howie commented on it with a "Yes, just like that.", Brian was really shocked finding out, that they all knew for so long. Knew long before he even himself truly had admitted those emotions to himself. 

"Since the Black & Blue tour?", Nick seemingly was just as surprised as he was. "How could you know since back then, when I only realized it a day ago?", it was Kev now who chuckled, "It's not like you were ever any good at perceiving emotions, Nick. Neither of you were. If you were you wouldn't have hurt another as often as you did.", that did sound like a scolding, in a way it was and hearing it was disconcerting for the both of them. It was true, they had hurt another more often, than they could count. So it was good that they finally had been able to admit what they felt for each other. Yet his band-mates revealing their knowledge like that only made him realize how stupid they had been. "Well I for one am happy, that you guys FINALLY were able to admit your emotions.", Howie couldn't hide a slight annoyance with those words, "Perhaps now we can stop running after you Brian and work on how to get Backstreet Boys going again." They all sounded so amused, but he quickly became aware, that some of it was a facade to hide their true worries. He could see it in their eyes. But they didn't want to put those worries onto him, so they avoided the bad things. While he was thankful for that, he felt a little bit sorry, for having put them into this situation to begin with. So as he started responding to the words spoken by Howie, he tilted his head lightly forward in an apologetic fashion: "I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry I was so stupid. I'm sorry I left the band and I'm sorry that I brought this much drama to you.", he paused for a moment to take a deep breath, "But I didn't know how to continue without my voice. I felt at that moment, that you were better off without me. And when I left, the only thing waiting for me was depression. I tried to cope with it, but the way I coped with it lead to... well you know.", he sounded increasingly sad the longer he spoke. When he finished his sentence, there already were tears in his eyes. As Nick noticed those he moved closer and put a gentle kiss onto his cheek. Now that everybody knew about them, there was no reason to hide his affection anymore after all. And kissing him like that his Frack was able to seal most of his tears away. Most of them, because one single tear still found its way down his cheek and he couldn't even wipe it away. Kevin sighed seeing that and brushed one hand through his long dark hair, before speaking: "Cous' it doesn't help if you apologize. The only thing you can do to make this up to us is getting healthy again quickly. We can't take you along onto the stage like this.", it might have sounded cold for the oldest of them to speak all business, but Brian knew, that he was much more worried about him, than he put into words. The reason he didn't speak about that, was to protect Bri from painful emotions coming to the surface. By talking all business, he was attempting to distract him from his worst fears and memories. And it was not like his band-mates didn't care, they had come here after all. 

"So, you still want me back with Backstreet Boys, despite all I have done? Even though I attacked AJ, even though I left you all alone and even though my voice still sounds like shit?", it was true, his voice still was breaking constantly, even if right now it was doing alright. So he honestly had been surprised at Kev saying, they wanted him on stage. "Of course we want you back with us. Backstreet Boys is the five of us, nobody else. And if one is missing it just is not right. The fans were missing you so much this last leg and we were missing you even more.", Nick wiped Bris tear away from his face as he said those words, taking gently care of him. "And about the attack, don't worry about it. I know that wasn't you.", AJ came a little closer as well after speaking those words, pulling himself away from Howie in the process, "Doesn't mean I won't beat up your ass if you ever try something like that again though.", he threatened only half seriously, but Brian still shook his head lightly: "I won't. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.", he sounded a bit meek as he spoke that, but he honestly meant it. "Well you better stop hurting yourself then.", of course it was Howie who said words dry as this. Dry remarks had always been one of Sweet Ds specialities. Brian looked a little ashamed for a moment, because the remark hit kind of close to home. It was true, he had mostly hurt himself for half a year. In parts of that time he had even attempted to murder himself with all the drugs. There had been moments, when he had not known how to continue living at all. Thinking about how he felt then and how he felt now, it felt like worlds apart. And the only reason he was feeling better was Nick. It was his presence, that gave him the strength to reply with a hopeful "I will try.", causing his band-mates to give him a smile. "Good, because you have to now. Press will be checking your every move. Had to avoid them when we entered the hospital. There is a herd of paparazzi gathered at the front entrance.", AJ explained and looked towards Kevin: "They got this one. Asked Kev a bunch of questions about you.", the oldest of the group sighed: "Yeah, they are like vultures sometimes, but you know that. I told them, that you are sick and will be treated in the hospital. Didn't go into details. I mean, I don't even know the details. But I had to say something, calm them down a bit. Else they might have just stormed into your room.", he was apologizing, but Brian wasn't angry. He mostly was worried what that would mean for their group. The best thing would have been to make some kind of official statement, but he didn't know what to say. It was hard to admit his problems to his friends, how could he admit taking drugs to the public? Especially since the public didn't understand his reasons. How would that make him look? How would that make the Boys look? He always had been marketed as the pure, church boy. If it came out how deep he had fallen, that image would be destroyed. People would start saying they lied and they would doubt everything that ever came out of their mouth. Of course that was the worst case scenario but still Brian saw it as a probability. "What will we do about it?", that question was directed at all of them and it produced a moment of silence. It took some time until Kev was once again the person to speak: "Well, we will talk with management. They probably have a better idea what to do. They might have several options, too. Remember how AJ went to Oprah? Perhaps we have to do something like that. But we will see. Right now that shouldn't matter.", and he crossed his arms before speaking on, "Right now we all need you to get better first." as he nodded to underline his words Brian sighed. 

Get better, they all needed him to get better. He was thankful, that they all cared so much about him, but the thought of what that meant still scared him. Withdrawal was no easy task if you had a problem with one drug. But Brian was addicted to several substances. Part of him was afraid he would not be able to handle it and go mad with the pain. And yet he knew it was the only path he could go. The only thing, that cheered him up a little was the fact, that behind that dreadful path, he saw a happier future. 

Except.

There was one thing that came to his mind.

"What happened to Peter? Nick said the cops were there. Is he in jail? Will he be brought in front of a court? Do I have to give a statement?", he wasn't able to hide the panic he felt. That man was the person who had helped destroying him, the one to push him down into the pit. He and his band of monsters. "They took him along Rok.", AJ said and huffed, "Anyway don't worry about it. Dude was lucky he still could walk after Kev got to him. And as for the cops, if they want something from you they will find you.", those words were meant to calm him, but how could he not worry about that monster? And even worse: "What about the others?", Brians question was hopeful, but as he noticed, that everybody but Nick was confused by those words, he knew that they had not been caught. "Bri, I'll stay here with you. You are safe! Nobody can get you.", his lover knew exactly why he was asking those questions and he tried to calm him down, but he was only semi-successful. While Brian did not fall into a panic-attack right away, he did not really calm down either. If those masked people came for him, Nick couldn't defend him either. They were much too strong and ruthless for his angel to handle by himself. What should he do? His stomach turned when images of his rapists came back up in his mind. He could not even think about them without getting sick, how could he fight them then? And when he thought about that, even Nicks presence was not enough anymore to calm him down. There it came after all: the panic-attack. It started with him hyperventilating and it continued with the world warping around him again. Forgotten were his band-mates, who got shocked when they saw him fall into this. Forgotten was Nick, who immediately tried to calm him by hugging him tight. Forgotten was the hospital room, that transformed into the room he had been tortured in so often. He was having a flashback and it pulled him away from reality. He didn't notice anything anymore. Didn't notice AJ storming out of the room trying to get a doctor. Didn't notice said doctor arriving and he didn't notice the nurse that came in and injected him with a sedative. 

He didn't notice anything until the world around him got dark and he fell back into a deep slumber.


	17. Rehab

"What was that?", Kevin was trying to be as calm as he could. when he directed those words at Nick. They had gathered in front of Brians room, while inside the medical staff was taking care of him. The shock was still visible on all of their faces. For some reason they seemed to be thinking, that Nick knew the answer to whatever questions they had on their mind. Partly they were right, he had an idea of what could have been going on with Brian, it was even a thing he was pretty sure about. Still it was only a guess he had, since he had not found the right time to speak about it with his loved one yet. "I... you guys better sit down.", he took a deep breath and gestured to a group of chairs standing a few steps away from the door leading to Bris room. "It's a guess I have, I'm not certain, but I will explain to you what I think.", he waited for them to sit down. As they did he could feel their curious eyes resting upon him. Another sigh escaped his throat. How could he tell them? In a way it didn't feel like it was his story to tell. But Brian wasn't able to do that job right now and he felt that his band-mates needed to know the full story. "So when Brian came with me... yesterday evening... he was... really really scared to be touched. I tried my best to avoid it, but in the end he still had a panic attack, just like now.", he gestured at the door but didn't stop speaking, "He was saying things... and... I had seen his wounds... Guys...", he subconsciously made one hand to a fist before speaking on: "I think Brian was raped.", he turned his head to face the ground after he said it. 

Just speaking those words made him angry, and he was not the only one in the group to feel that emotion rising. While Howie gasped in shock, AJ was frowning and Kevin clenched his jaw: "You... sure?", the oldest of the group spoke slowly, but he wasn't really able to hide the anger he felt. "Pretty sure sadly. He had bruises in the shape of hands on his waist. Then he had some kind of flashback and said he's not my toy. Also one of Brians junkie friends indicated something like that, too.", it was hard to talk about it, but all things were pointing in one direction. Kevin sighed heavily as he heard him speak those words. His whole body was tensing up: "I'm gonna kill them...", he muttered under his breath and Nick nodded, "We both will.", it had been his idea ever since he had realized what had happened. AJ nodded, "Make that three!" It seemed like they had a plan. But it was then for Howie to speak and while he seemed to be angry, he also spoke a little bit calmer: "C'mon guys, we can't kill them. Only guy we know about is that Peter guy. And he will be brought to justice in front of a judge. It will help nobody if we kill him and then go into jail for it. And honestly, I don't think any of us really is a killer." Of course Howie was right, they couldn't become murderers, and yet it felt wrong to just do nothing. But what could they do really? A thought they were sharing, but still they did not come to a conclusion. As Kevin sighed, so did AJ, it was a devastating situation. "Well, we have to do what we can now to support Brian.", it was Nick that finally raised his voice in an attempt to control the direction in which they should go, "I will stay here with him, the next weeks will be difficult. You guys could talk to the press if that is needed and you can also talk to the cops to find out what will happen to Peter.", he looked over to Kevin, obviously expecting him to take the lead in these things. "Also... AJ... perhaps you could get Brian some clothes and stuff. I think that would be good.", AJ nodded to Nicks task. It was really important for Nick to give Brian back a little bit of normality. Especially since he was in a hospital right now, where everything was so far off from normal. If only he had clean clothes and a few others things, perhaps he could feel a little bit better. Those were the little things they could do. And with these tasks given Nick fell silent again, examining his band-mates. It was obvious they were still half-way lost in thoughts and worries and it took a long time until Kevin raised his voice again: "Yeah, I guess that is what we should do. Nick, please take good care of my cousin.", and as he stood up from the chair he looked to Howie and AJ: "We should get going guys, there is nothing we can do here right now." Nick noticed that Howie nodded right away, AJ seemed to be pondering for a moment, but then he seemingly came to the conclusion Kevin was right and gave him a nod as well. "Nick, I'll come back later with the clothes.", Alex called out, before starting to walk down the hallway towards the exit. Howie just gave him a nod, it was not like more words were needed. And thus they all left. One by one. Leaving Nick behind, the way he wanted it, the way he thought was right. Neither of them could really do much here in the hospital right now. The only one that really could do something for Brian was Nick himself. The weeks would be long and today had just been Day One.

-

Week One:

The week of rehab had started with positive news. Shortly after AJ had brought along the promised bag of clothes and sanitary products the doctor had come along. When Brian had been sedated after his panic attack, they had used that opportunity to run the tests he had mentioned. They had done so and they had been quick to analyze the results. Luckily it had turned out, that his drug abuse had not caused any damage to his heart. Hearing that was the first positive thing Nick had heard all day. Brian was still sleeping when the doctor came to tell him. Not even when they moved his bed to the rehab facilities, did he wake up. Whatever they had given him to make him sleep, must have been pretty strong, because he wouldn't wake til the next day.

And when the next day came along the real challenge lay ahead of them. Nick had been sleeping on a bed the hospital staff had put for him into his lovers room. It had not been the most comfortable spot he ever slept him, but it was comfortable enough to make him dream. Dreams that were forgotten when a sudden scream woke him. Brian was awake and he didn't wake gently. As Nick shot up into a sitting position, he found Bri hyperventilating. Restrained as he was he still could barely move, but there was fear and panic written all over his face. A face that was covered in sweat right now. He seemed to be in pain too. "Shh, it's alright, I'm here Brian.", he quickly moved over to Brians bed, to take his hand. To give him just a little bit of closeness. At first he didn't respond, but as tears found their way into his eyes words found their way out of his throat: "Nick, it hurts....", he whimpered and squeezed his hand as firm as he could. Of course, the pain medication he had gotten yesterday must have been wearing off. But Nick wasn't sure if the pain he felt was still caused by Peters injection, or if Brian was suffering from new pain, caused by withdrawal. Whatever it was, it must have been terrible, judging by his expressions

-

Something was ripping him apart. Strong forces pulling at him from left and from right. Grabbing at his flesh, at his bones, at his veins. Digging sharp claws into every piece of his body they could get. The pain it was so terrible, it was nearly driving him mad. Stinging pain, that traveled through his veins. Numb pain, that gathered in his stomach making him sick. And throbbing pain, that he could feel in his temples. Pain. He never had known how much of it a single human could feel. That moment he was so certain he would die. How could he keep on living when he felt like this? And yet, the world kept it's colour and yet he felt Nicks hand, when his boyfriend grabbed for Brians. Nick was here. Yes, he was and he was taking care of him. He was the little slice of sanity in this maddening sea of torture. But as much as he was thankful for that, his mind couldn't focus. His body was longing for substance, alcohol, coke, just anything. Anything to escape this feeling of torment. "Nick.... I need something to drink.... quick get me something.", he pressed out his voice both changed by illness and by pain. He didn't even sound like himself as he was begging like that. And he didn't even know why he was begging, since part of him knew he would not get anything. 

As Nick shook his head he let out another scream of agony. He hated it, how could they let him suffer like that? How could they tie him to the bed like that? Why were they so mean? And as he became aware, there was nothing he could do he started to sob and cry, almost like a kid. It would have been embarrassing had he cared just now. But there was so much pain on his mind, that everything else did not matter.

-

That first day was hard. Seeing Brian suffer like that felt like somebody putting a dagger right into his heart. Worst of all was, there was nothing he could do. All he was able to do was to watch him, hold his hand when he was screaming and put his arms around him in a hug, when he was crying. It didn't help either, since the poison controlling his lovers body did fight any attempts to clean it from his body. And that poison was an opponent, he couldn't grasp and beat down. It was invisible and yet it caused so much damage. How could he fight it?

One thing he had done was to call the doctor in the hope, that he would be able to help just a little bit. When he came he gave Brian another injection. Pain medication, as he explained. At first it didn't do much and he still had to watch his lover twitch and shout. It took a whole twenty minutes, till he started to calm. By then the doctor had already left. In a way Nick felt angry, that the doc didn't do more, but perhaps there was nothing else he could do. As Brian calmed down Nick stayed by his side. He didn't plan on leaving it. Not when his angel was still suffering. Even though the pain was gone, he was still all sweaty and exhausted.

Moments like this were the norm in that first week. After that day it started to get worse in the beginning. The second day, Brian was not only screaming in pain, he was also getting rather vile. When Nick tried to calm him, he tried to bite him and slap him. He was not giving him any drugs and that made his lover angry. Then again that person was not really Brian, he knew that even before the moment he spit into his face. When he did, it was a shock. He didn't get angry about it, cause he knew it was caused by the drugs and yet, it was scary what that poison was doing to Bri. 

Still just like the evening before that Nick cared for Brian lovingly. After the doctor had come to give Brian sedation to sleep in the night, when his eyes were already starting to fall close, Nick took care of him. He washed him, cleaned him up from head to toe. He even combed his hair. Then he put him into new clothes. That meant he had to remove the restraints and that made things at that moment rather dangerous. So when he had to do that he made sure only to remove only one of the bindings at each time. It didn't bother him to take care of Brian like that. It was something that was only natural to do. If things were they other way around, Bri would have done the same. It was the least he could do to ease his lovers suffering. He couldn't do anything about his pain and he couldn't do anything about the fact, that he had to have a catheter in order to urinate. But he could take care of his hygiene and that was something.

The third and fourth day were much of the same. He had to take care of his boyfriend, that was suffering in ways he couldn't imagine. But on the last three days of the week, things finally seemed to be getting better. The fifth day was the first one in the whole week, in which he was not woken up by a scream. In fact when he woke up that day, Brian was still asleep and peacefully so. He did not wake up until the breakfast was brought to his room. And for the first time that week, he saw him smile when he opened his eyes. "Good morning... angel.", he muttered still half asleep as Nick was looking down on him. Those words meant so much too him. Brian could speak gently again, things were getting better.

It was not like the problem was gone completely, but the symptoms had changed. The constant pain was gone, but Brians whole body was shivering and twitching constantly. He hardly did have any control of it. He still needed his help when eating and cleaning and now and then there was still a burst of pain, that ran through Bris body, causing him to spasm. It was terrible and yet it was better than anything that happened in the days before.

Week Two:

With the beginning of the second week, things seemed to be improving significantly. So much so, that the doctor even decided to untie Brians restraints. With that the need for a catheter was gone, so that was removed as well. Both of those things lead to his boyfriends quality of life improving drastically. That meant there were more smiles and more happy words spoken. Like this they even had the chance to cuddle and kiss. A chance Brian took rather quickly. He obviously had been longing for it, he could feel that in his kiss. It felt so good to finally be able to do that again. Their relationship was so new and there had been a whole week, where their love had to take the backseat. Now that Brian was feeling better, they could finally live it again. And yet, despite having missed it that much, Nick was still very careful with Bri. He didn't want to push him into a panic attack again.

A thing he was rather worried about when later in that week the cops came around to get Brians testimony. Of course they eventually had needed to come and Nick was thankful, that they had waited until his lover was better, but he was still worried. At least it didn't come as a surprise, that they came around. Kev had informed Nick earlier that week, that police would press charges on Peter. They needed Brians testimony for further evidence. One thing was certain though. He wouldn't leave his angels side when he had to speak about it.

\- 

Two cops had entered the room. They were rather tall men, probably around 35 years old. One of them was blonde, the other one was a ginger. Both of them radiated an aura, that demanded respect. Brian couldn't help but duck lightly when they approached his bed to ask their questions. Their visit was no surprise, Nick had told him, that eventually cops would come to ask him what happened at Peters, but he still felt mildly uncomfortable.

"Your name is Brian Littrell, is that right?", the blonde cop was the first to ask a question, that Brian only answered with a nod as he grabbed Nicks hand a little bit firmer. His boyfriend was standing by the side of his bed on the opposite side of it than the cops did. He had been here with him in the last several days. Brian had lost count of them, but it had been many and in all of them, Nick had cared for him, even as he was at his worst. That love and dedication was not lost on him and he was really grateful that god had given him an angel like that. If only they could have been the only people in the whole wide world, then everything would have been perfect. But there was an outside world, he had to face again eventually and the cops were the first messengers coming from it. "We need you to give a testimony about Peter Lancaster and his business at Unity night-club.", the blonde cop spoke again and Brian sighed deeply. He had known, that this was what they wanted but speaking about it was still difficult: "I can't remember much of what happened. A little bit came back, but ketamine makes you loose things.", he paused then looked to Nick for a moment before looking back to the cop: "I probably should start from the beginning.", his whole body tensed, since he knew what telling the whole story meant, "I met Peter first, when I was already a regular at Unity. I think.... I already was an alcoholic, too. Anyway, so Peter took me up to his VIP area and gave me coke, which I took.", that had been the easy part of the story and he noticed the ginger cop taking down notes as he spoke. As he fell silent for a moment that prompted the blonde cop to speak a demanding: "Go On.", but he sighed. What was about to come now was going to be difficult and he gently tugged on Nicks arm to make him come closer. It took a moment until he did, but only then did Brian speak on: "Well, when I was addicted to coke he... forced me...", he gasped he felt as if a boulder was taking shape in his throat, keeping him from speaking, but he had to go on, "He forced me to be the plaything to his... clients.", his whole body was shivering as he spoke and Nick knelt down next to him, so he could hug him close: "It's all good, they can't hurt you now.", his boyfriend whispered. But could they really not? Was he really that safe? They had not caught them yet, so how could he be safe? "They... were a group of people with masks. I was brought to them, every night. Everyone of them.... they... touched me and... and raped me.", he couldn't help but to break into sobbing and yet he wanted to speak on, but the blonde cop interjected, "We actually have found camera footage of what happened. You don't need to go into the details.", those words were spoken with a degree of compassion and as he heard them Brian felt a big part of the tension falling off of him. 

Being raped was nothing he liked to talk about, so not needing to do it, felt so much better. After a moment, he realized what they had said though: "Video footage?", he didn't know what to think about that. It did feel terrible to know, there were videos out there, that showed him getting abused, but on the other hand: "What does it show, does it show their faces?", on the other hand it meant having new hope. "We haven't watched all of it yet, but there is a chance it does.", Brian sighed in relief hearing the blonde cop say that. And as he looked to Nick he saw that he was giving him a smile. "What happened on that night we found you?", this time the ginger cop asked the question. "Right... so... the night before that Nick took me to his place. The next day I got away from there though.", he decided to skip the detail of how he did escape, since he didn't think it was relevant to the case, "So I went back to the club and met with Jimmy, another drug addict. We went to the bathroom and... that's where Peter found me, took me by the wrist and dragged me along to the VIP rooms. That's all I can remember.", he finished his explanation. As the cops nodded and the ginger one finished taking his notes Brian felt exhausted. Alone speaking about it had been taxing enough to make him want to go right back to sleep. "Thank you Mr. Littrell, your testimony will be important in our case. We hope you will join the charges as prosecutor. We can only charge him on the drug dealings. What he has done to you, you need to charge him for yourself.", the blonde cop said before bowing his head lightly: "I still wish you a nice day." And thus they left again. Stepping out of the room and leaving him and Nick alone again. Leaving them with difficult thoughts and difficult choices to make. As they closed the doors behind them, Brian looked to his boyfriend, questioning, as if he had an answer to all of his worries. Nick only smiled and moved to sit next to him on the bed, putting one arm around his shoulder. "Bri, you know what you have to do and don't be afraid, because I'm with you.", he spoke words meant as moral support. He was right, he knew that he had to press charges, if he ever wanted to feel safe again. They needed to prosecute Peter and if there was a chance, they needed to prosecute hist rapists as well. And just like that the plan was made.


	18. Happily Ever After

As rehab came to an end things seemed to be good. As good as they could be given the circumstances. Brian had not yet reached the end of his path, he had to do therapy. Had to take care of himself and his eating habits and he also had to find a way to learn to live with what he had been through. But as things were he was optimistic and willing to take on the challenge. And he wasn't alone. Nick had proven to him, that he would be at his side, even when things got difficult. He was such a good man. Everything he had ever dreamed about. When he had fallen in love with him all those years ago, he could have never imagined him to be so strong. Back in the day he probably had not been that way either, but now he had to admit how much his boyfriend had matured. The man Nick was now, was so much stronger, than the kid he had once known. He was strong enough to take care of him. As much as he has admired him when they were younger, the strength with which Nick had fought for him, had only increased that love. His Frack had proven, that Brian could rely on him and that was exactly what he would do.

When he was released from rehab, he only went back to the hotel room he had rented one time. One time only to get all of his possessions and pack them up, so he could bring them over to Nicks mansion. Of course he still had the place in Georgia, they could go to, but the therapy sessions he had planned were all located in Los Angeles. Then there was also the trial against Peter and the trial against his rapists. That had been the other amazing news. The cops had been able to analyze the video material and they had been able to identify his abusers, every single one of them. Scary people all of them, rich too. Oil barons and politicians, that got bored by their wealth. And now they had all lost their reputation. Press had been quick to write their stories, as soon as Brian had pressed charges along with the police department. They had written about the case, and his abuse. He had avoided reading the stories in order to protect himself from flashbacks, but Nick had told him just a little bit. They also had written about their relationship. It was not really surprising, that they found out, it was not like they had been hiding it ever since they had been aware, that their band-mates had known. One of the newspapers had even managed to get a photo of them kissing behind the hospital. 

At first Brian had been worried, that his could have a negative effect on their fan-base. But while there certainly were a few people who were disgusted by it, the majority of their fans had been happy for them. They had received thousands of messages the day the first reports of Nick and him being an item had hit the news. Most of them had been positive full of love and well-wishes and he had been able to ignore those that were negative. It was not like they really needed homophobes in their fan-base anyhow, that is something they all agreed on. They. That was something that Brian could finally say again. After a long talk with management and the rest of the group, he had decided to go back with Backstreet Boys. First he would need to get his weight back to a normal level, but after that, he would be back to touring with them again. His voice was still a problem, but he had promised to go to therapy for it and he had recorded a video for the fans to explain what he was going through. So everything was taken care of. Things only could get better.

And his new life was starting when he entered Nicks mansion that evening. A place that seemed a lot more welcoming now, than it had seemed, when he was still caught in the swamp of drugs weeks ago. Nick had prepared the place for his arrival. He was so sweet. Before he opened the door he had put his left hand in front of his eyes, so he could not see the surprise he had made for him. First when the door had swung open he slowly pulled the hand away, allowing him to look into the hallway. Usually it was bright, but Nick had closed the curtains, to make it darker, for he had lid candles to shine for them. And as Brian looked at the floor he noticed red rose petals creating a path he was supposed to follow. It was quite enchanting and his heart beat just a little bit faster as he noticed the care Nick had taken, to make this for him. He had to turn his head to gaze at his boyfriend, who gave him the most loving of smiles. "Welcome Home You...", Nick whispered into his ear, quoting the title of his solo album. That produced a soft smirk on Brians lips, before he brought those same ones up to Nicks cheek to plant a gentle kiss there. As he leaned back, he was about to say something, but Nick put one finger on top of his lips: "Shh... follow the path.", and he gestured at the petals. So he wanted him to find out what lay on the end of the path. Who was Brian to deny him that pleasure? As he started to walk along the path of roses he took Nicks hand gently, pulling him along into the mansion, past those beautiful shining candles, along the hallway, through the living room and into the dining room. That's where the path was leading. And as he opened the door he couldn't help but gasp. There in the room Nick had prepared a table, just for two, with candles and red roses in a vase. With the most beautiful cutlery and the finest plates. It was so romantic and beautiful, that he didn't find any words to say. "Do you like it?", but it seemed like Nick still wanted to hear some and Brian couldn't help but chuckle in happiness: "Nick...", he paused, "It's the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for me.", and he turned to him again tiptoeing to give him a loving kiss. Taking in his wonderful taste once again. As he pulled back, he gently brought his hand up to Nicks face to cup his cheek and stroke with the thumb across the lips he just kissed. "I love you.", he said as if he needed to. As if Nick did not already know that from the way his eyes were sparkling when he looked at him. And yet it was welcome that he said it and Nick smiled happily, before responding: "And I love you.", his words were spoken so gentle, that they delivered all the emotion he felt, mostly love. This was one of the moments, he always would remember. It was a night, he would never be able to forget and it had just begun. When Brian pulled his hand away from Nicks face, the tall blonde took it to gently pull him along towards the table.

"I have prepared us some food. I hope you like Spaghetti Carbonara.", and as he reached the table he lifted the bell that was hiding the central plate with the food. "You kidding? I love Spaghetti.", he was still smiling brightly, still not able to contain his happiness. And as he examined the food Nick had prepared he couldn't wait to taste it. The Spaghetti looked well-made, not sloppy or greasy, but with the right amount of sauce and bacon. Next to the plate of spaghetti was a basket filled with baguette pieces seasoned with garlic butter. This definitely was no healthy meal, but he was certain it would taste well. "Take a seat.", Nick was smiling, he was really into this romantic stuff. As Nick pulled the chair back for him to have a seat, Brian could not help but shake his head lightly. He loved him for doing that, but the happiness about that loving gesture made him lightly amused. "You know, you're a dork Nick. But you are my dork and I love you for it!", he said as he took the seat and Nick responded with a smirk on his own. "Only the best for the man I love.", he said and moved to sit down on the chair on the opposite side of the table. When he was comfy he took Brians plate to fill it with spaghetti, being very careful to arrange it nicely. Then only after putting the plate back down in front of Brian he started to fill his own. "You know, I'm so happy you are with me now. And I mean it when I say I will never let you go again.", Nick spoke and Brian chuckled. He knew he meant it, had seen how protective the younger blonde had become. That kind of possessiveness, that meant he would protest if he wanted to go somewhere alone, it might have scared other people. Brian however didn't mind it, quite the opposite, he loved it. Loved the way Nick loved him, so much, that he would be just happy to lock him away. Something he of course didn't do, but Bri knew part of him wanted to. It was that kind of burning, passionate love, he had always wanted. So he didn't mind it not a bit, at least Nick was honest about it too. So Brian grinned before he responded: "I know you won't and I promise to stay at your side. I won't run away again.", and as he said that he hold his left hand out for Nick, who took it immediately. When their gazes met again they kept staring at one another for a moment. Deep ocean blue pupils meeting bright sky blue ones. Brian could have drowned in those eyes. It already felt as if he was loosing himself in them. And he felt the warmth rise up in his cheek, when he blushed from all that love he felt. It took a moment for them to pull away from the others eyes, but when they finally did it was only to start eating. 

The food was amazing and Nick had of course been thoughtful enough not to serve wine with the meal, but rather sparkling water. Something they had grown to love all the way back when they first came to Germany. Everybody there always had been drinking this stuff and when they had went to stage, they had been served it as well. It fit the meal Nick had prepared perfectly too, so there was nothing he could complain about. Nothing. 

This was the most beautiful evening he had ever experienced and it was only the first of many nights he would spend with Nick. He couldn't wait to experience more of them. The tall blonde he had been in love with for so long, was proving to be more he could have ever hoped for. He was protective and possessive, but he was also gentle and caring. He knew how to treat him right and knew he had to treat him carefully. Brian wasn't afraid about what was to come, because he knew, that Nick would never do anything that could hurt him. His Frack was aware, that he needed time and that he needed to be treated like a porcelain doll. And Nick was willing to do that, because what was important for both of them was that they had found one another and would spend the rest of their lifes together.

The future looked bright. Especially when the trial was done. While Brian was lightly worried about that day, because he would need to speak up in front of the judge, he was also certain, that they would win the case. There was no doubt they would, the evidence they had was damning. The same videos Peter had always used to black-mail him were now exactly what would bring him and his monsters down. And when they would get their sentence Nick would be at his side, giving him strength and building him up again. Then when that was done, they could start working on his voice and all the other problems. Brian was determined to take them on and pretty sure he could succeed.

And as he was taking the second bite of Carbonara, while looking at his beautiful boyfriend, he finally felt truly happy to the core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. I hope you enjoyed it. It comes to an end now thank you everybody for all the likes and comments <3 You were my motivation to finally finish it


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